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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH re this day/ evening out?

20 replies

AveAtqueVale · 09/09/2021 21:55

We are both shift workers, in two weeks time the inevitable has occurred and we are both due to do lates for the same two days, which means neither of us is around for school pickup/ dinner/ bedtime etc. I'm then on another late and DH is off.

DH was supposed to see about switching his clashing lates to earlies AGES ago (I can't switch mine, or take annual leave, unless I find someone specific to swap with) but he didn't. I only realised he hadn't sorted it when he mentioned he was planning on going out the third day (his day off) with work friends, and did I have an issue with his dad doing the school run and evening childcare and bedtime. I then looked at the calendar and realised he's done absolutely nothing about those two shifts.

Anyway, I do have issues, as follows:

1- DS1 is autistic and DS2 has just started Reception; both of them really need a parent around at some point between school and bedtime for consistency, support and a bit of a debrief on the day. If it absolutely can't happen due to work, then fine, but it wouldn't occur to me to go out on a school day/night if DH wasn't going to be around, unless it was for a truly one-off event like someone's wedding or something.

2- FIL is wonderful, and the DC love him to bits, but he is nearly 80. I think dealing with two smallish and moderately tricky children during the most stressful part of the day mid-week, and getting them both into bed at a reasonable time, is a lot to ask for a non-essential reason. It's totally different to having them for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon when they can reasonably watch too much tv and have a late night if necessary. Also as backstory, FIL won't say no to DH, and I think DH takes the piss with asking him to do things DH doesn't want to do/ feels he doesn't have time for.

3- Because DH forgot to do anything to sort the other two clashing shifts, or to tell me he hadn't been able to so I could attempt to sort out from my end, he is proposing this arrangement for the kids and his dad for THREE DAYS. And sees nothing wrong with the third day being for a completely non-essential pub session.

I am trying to sort out a swap so I can cover the evenings that week, but may not be able to. So I said of course if that was the case surely he wouldn't consider going out on the third day?

But nope - he claims that none of my concerns hold any weight at all. As far as he's concerned it's totally reasonable for neither of us to see the children except briefly in the mornings for three days, and to leave all the actual parenting to his elderly dad. It is inexplicable I might have a problem with this. AIBU?!

(OH and also as far as I know he hasn't even actually asked FIL if he's available!) Argh.

OP posts:
Paq · 09/09/2021 22:00

YANBU. At all.

Thurlow · 09/09/2021 22:03

YANBU. I don’t have an easy solution for you, but I hate a DH on a shift pattern and I swear we’ve almost divorced a few times due to his inability to actually look at his shift pattern and work out what the fuck needs to be done about it.

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 22:09

YANBU.

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 09/09/2021 22:10

I hate a DH on a shift pattern - Freudian typo there? @Thurlow Grin

I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. And increasingly feel like we're coming at all things parenting from totally different angles. He seems to be running with the 'well it's not ideal for the kids but it won't do them any harm' school of thought. Whereas I feel 'it's not ideal for the kids - so let's not bloody do it for entirely non-essential reasons!' It is literally a drink with the people he sees at work every day!

OP posts:
BelfastMaOf2 · 09/09/2021 22:15

YANBU, not even in the slightest!

FromEnglandWithLove · 09/09/2021 22:19

How incredibly frustrating, and how incredibly selfish of your DH. I'm fuming on your behalf!

Cillmantain · 09/09/2021 22:24

Your husband is taking the piss.
Completely unfair on the children, your father in law and you.

LittleOwl153 · 09/09/2021 22:27

Whose going to be dealing with the kids when you come in from shift on night 2 when things will have fallen apart - or indeed on the mornings of shift 2 and 3... I'm assuming Disney dad will be too busy...

IF you think your autistic child will survive without too much fall out, I'd probably let him get on with it. On the basis that he has to pick up on day 3 if the kids can't cope or indeed his dad can't. But do not come in and rescue him because of his stupid selfish plans. If the child will cope then I'd forget trying to shift swap but make sure he deals with the consequences.

If your autistic child will not cope then I would have to out my foot down. I would be making him try with some urgency to switch his shift AND would not support the night out. Clearly the child's needs have to come first.

44PumpLane · 09/09/2021 22:29

I've voted YABU because honestly it's not going to scar your children for life to o ly see you both for a small bit in the morning for 3 days. I've got children who have just started Reception and they are pretty tired, as are all the other reception age kids we know, but they are fine.

If FIL says yes that's his look out.

However, I think YANBU to be annoyed that he has done nothing about changing his shifts when he said he would try. That's the bit that would irritate me.

EatYourVegetables · 09/09/2021 22:34

YANBU!

It will be something like week 2 of reception! Your DS will be exhausted, overwhelmed and possibly an emotional mess, even if everything goes really well. I would not leave him to an 80yo FIL who has another (autistic) child to cope with.

Your DH is selfish and disorganised. Not sure what to advise, but YANBU.

notthemum · 09/09/2021 22:57

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I am really sorry that I can't think of a solution.

Obviously your DH needs to step up but I'm afraid that I honestly think this is very unlikely to happen. 💐

TokyoSushi · 09/09/2021 23:06

Definitely not being unreasonable. Drives me mad how so many men (my own DH included at times) just don't see how sorting out suitable childcare/putting the DC first is their responsibility.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/09/2021 23:14

rather go on the piss than look after his disabled kid...

Marmalady75 · 10/09/2021 04:50

I’m with @44PumpLane. I’d be annoyed he hasn’t swapped shifts, but let him and his dad sort it out. You might find that after a day or two if doing it fil doesn’t want/isn’t able to do day 3 and your dh will juts have to cancel his pub session.

LegendaryReady · 10/09/2021 05:06

My Dad's nearly 80 and your have to hold him back to prevent him having this opportunity to have DGC all to himself.

Ideally it wouldn't be 3 days running but if it's not a very regular occurrence I'd leave them to it. As the last of the three days is the social commitment, if it's not going well, DH will have to cancel.

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2021 05:22

YANBU. There’s not a lot you can do though except tell fil that you’re worried it’s too much for him and if it is the third day is just so dp can go to the pub so he can easily cancel that. Preferably in front of dp.

Then, the kids will be off routine, so make sure dp is the active parent the following day night unless he’s actually at work. Don’t take that burden on yourself.

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2021 05:30

To be honest either your fil is capable or not. If he wasn’t then you’d call in sick or something, you’re only objecting to the night out really. So clearly you do think he is capable.

Yes it’s bad timing, but maybe less disruptive to the kids to do three days in a row and people do habe time away from their kids. If the fil has a problem then he can cancel.

Your husband is allowed a night out. Being married with kids isn’t a jail sentence.

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2021 06:40

It doesn’t seem like too much of an issue to me; if your fil is happy to do it and capable of looking after them. Does your husband often say he’ll do something then not do it? That’s the bigger issue

cansu · 10/09/2021 06:56

I think a one off would be OK but maybe three days in a row is pushing it.

RedHelenB · 10/09/2021 07:01

If his Dad is happy to do it yabu. I'd leave things as they are, it's for your th to sort out and it appears he has done so.

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