AIBU to think Nursery has caused this behaviour deterioration?

[blaisealex]

DS has been going to nursery since he was 9 months but not for very long per week with large periods not at nursery (thanks, Covid). Anyway, he has now started doing the 30 hours as he is three which is well over double what he was doing.

Since he started this week his behaviour has really deteriorated. I realise doing so many more hours than normal was going to be quite a transition and I expected a bit of tiredness, over emotional and grumpy but it has been way more than that.

We've had throwing things and defiance. This morning he launched his breakfast on the floor. Completely out of character for him. He's just thrown something at my face. He's had tantrums. Talking back, lots of 'why' to everything. None of which is normal for him.

He's told me about naughty children at nursery, biting, hitting and nicking. The nicking I assume based on what he said is taking toys and food that don't belong to him.

It just seems that perhaps DS is starting to replicate the behaviour that he's seeing and honestly, it's really bothering me.

AIBU to think that the behaviour of the other children is the cause of this?

Perfectly normal, takes them a while to adjust even if they love it, and they are exhausted! It's also common for the terrible threes. I think your expectations are overly high.

I've got two normally well behaved children who have just transitioned to new junior & senior schools. They are absolutely shattered too and I'm preparing myself for Trouble.

Even think about how you feel after a first week at a new job - shattered!

No the nursery didn't say anything which is why I was questioning whether it was true or not. I'll call them.

The nursery will know if the kids are biting each other, punching each other and taking food. I assume the toys are all communal, find out the facts first.

Yes find out if the nursery have observed any biting or punching.

30 hours is a long week though at 3. Adults moan about having to work that and of course it influences your state aid mind! He won’t be used to the noise and chaos. He’s probably very disorientated.

I would say that he will be tired and still trying to get used to the change. It's long for them at times especially if they usually nap at home. I think the majority tend to have the switch like this after making the leap to more hours.

If you're concerned about what he said then it would be worth giving them a call and asking them. I found with one of my older ones that some things were happening but weren't being picked up on at the nursery every time due to being so busy. Once they knew they were right on it so definitely worth calling them. I would keep an eye on it.

It will be a combination of copying other children, being so many hours away from his parents and the fact he's three!

My three year olds behaviour always deteriorates when I send her for extra days to the childminder. Some DC will do fine with long days in childcare (it doesn't seem to impact my eldest the same at all for eg) but for many/most preschool children it's just too much. It's not ideal for them at all. I've had to juggle thing around to reduce her hours and she back to her pleasant self. Not always possible financially for everyone but if you can work something between you and his dad to reduce his time there you'll likely see a positive change in his behaviour.

I would assume he was adjusting to the new routine/over tired/being a three year old.

I would however have a chat with the nursery to see how he is behaving there and I would definitely ask if he was bitten by another child.

I would have my eyes open at pick ups and drop offs for the behaviour of other children. What ages are the other children in the room he is in?

DS was telling porky pies. He didn't get bitten, nor did he punch anyone.

@blaisealex

DS was telling porky pies. He didn't get bitten, nor did he punch anyone.

It's probably not lying, as such. Kids of that age have a lot of trouble distinguishing stuff that really happened from stuff they heard or thought or stories. They are also exquisitely sensitive to adult expectations and can be prone to making up stories of terrible things happening if that's what they think an adult wants to hear.

Sounds like he's just adjusting and will do fine.

Two four year olds were having melt downs in the playground this morning. They're very tired

Another point some one made is that they're the covid generation. Their lives have been chaotic for as long as they can remember the normal evolving discipline and socializing just hasn't happened

DS(4) started school this week. He had been doing 20 hours a week at preschool. He has done a grand total of 10.5 hours over the course of the week in school and he has been appalling. The change is enormous - at their age a new environment, new routine, new people, new expectations is a massive adjustment and they really cannot control themselves when they get home. It will settle.

Nah, he's three. That's what causing it.

It just seems that perhaps DS is starting to replicate the behaviour that he's seeing and honestly, it's really bothering me.

AIBU to think that the behaviour of the other children is the cause of this?

Short of putting him a bubble where he doesn't have to interact with any other children, what are you planning to do about it ?

I know you've said this isn't what you meant, but it comes across as if you think your DC is being 'corrupted' by the other 'naughty' children (who sound just like normal toddlers and preschoolers facing the same challenges that your DC is facing).

A large part of parenting consists of saying things like "Just because Sam hit you doesn't mean it's ok to hit him back", "I don't care what Chloe's mum lets her do, we don't do that here" and "Well, if everyone else walked off a cliff, would you do it to?" If you blame your DS's behaviour on other children, you're not doing him any favours.

Unless you have any concerns about the way in which the nursery is managing behaviour in general, I'd just chalk it up to tiredness and keep consistently reinforcing your own rules as to behaviour.

My theory is that at 2 toddlers can be unreasonable because they have no impulse control and don’t know any better but at 3 they’re actively testing boundaries and get overwhelmed by their emotions and expectations of them. My eldest had a couple of tantrums at 2 but at 3 she was a door slamming grumpy little thing when she wanted to be. Her behaviour was much more challenging at 3 than 2 so I think an element of defiance and stroppyness is very normal.

The OP reminds me of perents who used to complain that High School had ruined their dear child's life, argumentative, rude, spots et al. We had to explain the corelation of starting HS at 11 and puberty!