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Original poster

To ask how to get over an old flame/ being rejected years ago?

13 replies

CrazySpanielLady88 · 09/09/2021 12:36

I've never told anyone this and I know I'm going to come across as batshit, but to anyone that knows me IRL they would never suspect as I've never, ever mentioned it or anything.

I know how bad this is going to sound..... but when I was 19 I met a man 7 years older than me. He was everything I'd read about in books, tall, handsome, charming, intelligent, successful etc. I was swept off my feet instantly.

In short I was obsessed with him (though never let on, but he knew, he must've done) I was used to spotty, immature, inexperienced teenage boys (who tbh I never gave the time of day really Blush ) and crap sex and then there was this MAN who seemed so mysterious, successful and cool and was amazing in bed. We saw each other on and off for 4 years, he moved away for a bit and then came back to the area, then moved away again and never came back to the area other than to visit his family a few times a year. It was just sex, nothing more. Obviously I always hoped he'd confess his undying love for me and we'd sail off into the sunset together but..y'know, obviously not!

Fast forward 15 years, we're both married with children and yet I still stalk his social media once a week when I'm bored (we're not friends on SM) I've always felt so curious and I don't know, angry towards his wife, thinking, why her?! Why was she deemed worthy to marry etc and all I was good for was 4 years of shagging!!

I dream about him so much nowadays and I find it really disturbing. I know this is all ridiculous and totally unhealthy and you know what, I don't think it's him I'm obsessed with etc, it's the fact I can't get over that he didn't deem me worthy of more than a shag. Like my ego is still smarting or something.

I love my husband, it's not like I want to sail off into the sunset with this arsehole or anything, but when I think of him I get feelings of shame, embarrassment and resentment (I would NEVER let someone use me for sex nowadays, I was young and he was a lot older and knew exactly how to manipulate me) When I look at his wife, in terms of looks she's my doppelganger which has always been really weird and made me feel really uneasy and I wonder what she's like...it's become something of a morbid fascination I guess, how intelligent is she? How popular is she? Is she funny? Successful? What type of relationship do they have? Are they as happy as they look in photographs? He was still shagging me when he first met her so it literally was a case of him choosing her.

I know how all this sounds, unhinged, like get a life and move on and I have. But I notice I feel like this a lot with men that I've really liked who haven't wanted a proper relationship with me, just something casual. I wonder about all their wives, why them, why not me? I make it almost my life mission to try and prove that I AM worthy, that these men were wrong to not want anything more than sex or causal dates with me etc. I take it so personally. Jesus, there's been so many men that I rejected or wouldn't give the time of day over the years, we've all rejected people and been rejected, it's life. I just can't seem to forget it though...particularly with this man.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? How do you get over these feelings of rejection?

Please be kind(ish) I know how all this sounds Blush I think I just needed to finally write it all down as I dreamt about him again last night and woke up feeling out of sorts and weird.

OP posts:
takehomepay · 09/09/2021 12:41

Have you read up on limerence? This sounds like a classic case. I’ve had it too so can see the signs!

My tip would be to block him in SM so you can’t see him but let yourself have 10 minutes a day to obsess over him and no more. You have to stick to it though. And hopefully one day soon you won’t need those 10 minutes anymore.

Original poster
CrazySpanielLady88 · 09/09/2021 12:54

@takehomepay OMG. I've just googled it, why have I not heard of this before?! It describes it perfectly, thank you! I'm going to do some more research into it as I know this unhealthy obsession needs to stop.

OP posts:
takehomepay · 09/09/2021 13:00

I know, I’d never heard of it before either, wish I’d known what it was when I was going through it! Mine lasted 3 years, which seems to be common.

Sorry you’re going through it!

Skyla2005 · 09/09/2021 13:03

Yes it's definitely limerance. You need to block him and delete on sm only way to get him out of your mind eventually

Original poster
CrazySpanielLady88 · 09/09/2021 13:04

Yes, I did see it says it can 'last up to 3 years' WTF would they make of my 15 years...Blush Grin

OP posts:
takehomepay · 09/09/2021 13:07

Haha, it may never totally go away but will certainly become more of an afterthought rather than an all-consuming obsession.

The blocking will help so much.

littletinyboxes · 09/09/2021 13:12

OP- it sounds like he was probably well aware of how you felt about him and using this to keep you available for no-strings sex whenever it was convenient for him. It also sounds like you are aware of that and ask yourself why he wanted that sort or relationship with you but wanted to marry someone he met later. I suspect that the answer is nothing to do with you or how clever/attractive/funny etc you are. It's actually all about him- when he was seeing you he didn't want a 'proper' girlfriend (it wouldn't have mattered who he met) but later what he wanted to settle down so he found someone who wanted that too. I wouldn't envy his wife- someone who will manipulate the emotions of a much younger person to keep them stringing along may well not be a great husband (whatever his social media suggests). Instead of thinking 'what has she got that I haven't' I think you should be telling yourself how lucky you were that you weren't around when he was looking for a wife!

Original poster
CrazySpanielLady88 · 09/09/2021 13:14

I've wanted to block him for years....the trouble is...I know he knows I look at his SM..(a comment he made a very long time ago) Don't get me wrong, he's not sitting there constantly thinking about me looking at his socials all these years later, lol. But if he ever does have a nose at my profile....he'll know eventually that I've blocked him and I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of KNOWING that I've thought about him all these years later and made the conscious effort to block him IYSWIM?

I mean he could just think I've come off SM, but all you'd need to do is check using another account. I know I'm wayyyyyyy overthinking this and the chance of him doing that is so, so slim but if he did, god I'd be mortified as I could just picture his smug face now.

I probably will have to do it though...sigh.

OP posts:
TheNinny · 09/09/2021 13:26

I’ve had a very similar situation. Although I stopped thinking of him in that way once I started dating my now husband. And now I barely think of him, almost never. He was my first though which was probably part of it (at 21🙈) , and I was crazy about him. We never officially dated but saw each other on and off until I was 26. Took me until 27 to finally get over him when I met DH who I really fell for. I am friends with him still on fb but I hid him. Sometimes I check his profile occasionally but I’m just being nosey lol. He’s went on to have 2 kids (but not marry) with someone now, though I don’t know if he is in a relationship with her tbh. He doesn’t post anything with their mother in it, for instance. Perhaps I’m hidden from that but he’s never hid me from seeing things in the past and I’m happily married with a family of my own. I really struggled with similar feelings to yours when he officially dated someone else but not me. It’s rather embarrassing now when I think of how much I pined for him when I was obviously just a shag to tide him over until his next proper girlfriend. I basically chose to not think about him, and when I found myself doing that, go do something else. I started dating and met my now DH. I hid him on fb and cut off even casual communication- no likes, comments, happy birthdays etc. Eventually I got so busy with my own real life and partner, I forgot to think about him at all. He obviously didn’t notice or care much about my lack of attention. I do occasionally dwell on the ‘why not me’, not because I want to be with him at all (I don’t find him attractive anymore at all or view him as a stable partner for a family) but I struggle with self esteem sometimes and default to this as I don’t do well with rejection either. More often, I dwell on how stupid I was to be so obsessed with him for years. But I was young, naive and from a sheltered religious background which he was well aware of. Time, no contact and meeting someone else are what worked for me. Not sure what I can advise specifically to you though as you are with someone currently and still have those thoughts. Definitely reduce the time spent on fb or thinking of him. Gradually cut it back if you can. At some point, you’ll realise you’ve gone a whole week/month without him crossing your mind. Is such an uplifting feeling when you realise it 💕

Sparklesocks · 09/09/2021 13:34

It’s possible that it seems so desirable because you were young and it was quite casual at the time and have this fantasy image of him - he’d breeze in and you’d have great sex and a good time then he’d leave you wanting more and breeze out. You didn’t share any of the ‘realities’ of long term relationships which can grind you down - you never worried about bills with him, or splitting chores, or argued about who was getting up with the baby at 4am etc - so you have an idealised, stress-free version of him in your head which probably doesn’t exist. But that isn’t what real love is. It’s not a foundation for a marriage.

As others say, the best thing you can do is block him and stop checking up on him. You might still hold a wistful spot for him in the back of your mind, but it’ll be much better to stop having that temptation.

Frazzledmummy123 · 09/09/2021 16:01

@Sparklesocks

It’s possible that it seems so desirable because you were young and it was quite casual at the time and have this fantasy image of him - he’d breeze in and you’d have great sex and a good time then he’d leave you wanting more and breeze out. You didn’t share any of the ‘realities’ of long term relationships which can grind you down - you never worried about bills with him, or splitting chores, or argued about who was getting up with the baby at 4am etc - so you have an idealised, stress-free version of him in your head which probably doesn’t exist. But that isn’t what real love is. It’s not a foundation for a marriage.

As others say, the best thing you can do is block him and stop checking up on him. You might still hold a wistful spot for him in the back of your mind, but it’ll be much better to stop having that temptation.

I second this 100% ^ When you were younger you were more carefree and as this quoted post says, you never experienced the more stressful parts of a relationship with him (bills, raising kids, etc) so you have built this pedestalised image of him in your head and perhaps connect memories of him to a more carefree time?

Obviously he himself gets to you and how his partner was good enough to settle down with, and not you. I totally get that and have been there myself. My only suggestion is to block him and discipline yourself to not look at his social media otherwise you are going to keep feelimg like this. I stopped having a nosey at my ex boyfriend's facebook page a few years ago and it is the best thing I ever did. It is so easy and tempting to keep noseying at their social media pages but what good does it do? It only makes you feel worse.

Original poster
CrazySpanielLady88 · 09/09/2021 19:54

Yes, I know you’re all right. It’s just hard, I went for a run this evening and a song on my playlist came on...it was a song that was doing the rounds when we met and ALWAYS reminds me of him. I was like, FFS, I can’t even go for a run without some bloody reminder.

I need to get over myself, everyone gets rejected at some point, there aren’t many people that marry the first person they ever kiss or shag etc, we can’t all be someone’s perfect life partner, I get that. I can just tell he utterly adores his wife and it smarts a bit and it makes me feel inferior and insecure, but my husband loves the bones, thinks the world of me and he’s rejected women in the past for long term things too so it’s all swings and roundabouts.

I’m not going to look at his socials anymore, you’re right, it doesn’t do any good. Just picks at the very old scab!

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 09/09/2021 21:08

@CrazySpanielLady88

I've wanted to block him for years....the trouble is...I know he knows I look at his SM..(a comment he made a very long time ago) Don't get me wrong, he's not sitting there constantly thinking about me looking at his socials all these years later, lol. But if he ever does have a nose at my profile....he'll know eventually that I've blocked him and I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of KNOWING that I've thought about him all these years later and made the conscious effort to block him IYSWIM?

I mean he could just think I've come off SM, but all you'd need to do is check using another account. I know I'm wayyyyyyy overthinking this and the chance of him doing that is so, so slim but if he did, god I'd be mortified as I could just picture his smug face now.

I probably will have to do it though...sigh.

You are making excuses not to block him. That is all part of it. Who cares what he thinks you need to do it for you
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