Why do I find developing deeper friendships so hard?

[Lollipop40]

And am I inadvertently passing this subconscious trait onto my dc’s?

On the surface I have quite a few friends/acquaintances from various stages of my life. I can’t shake the fact that the majority of these are at a pretty superficial level or that I am on the periphery. I feel that I missed the life lesson on how to develop longer term/stronger friendships.

I am worried my 2 teen dc’s are following directly in my footsteps and that they will end up feeling hurt like I do fairly often when social events happen and I am not included. There have been a few signs of this recently with both. For example “flaky” friends agreeing to meet them but then saying they can’t at the last minute but ending up doing something with another friend instead.

How do I teach them how to build effective friendships when I struggle myself?

It’s not making friends/acquaintances that is the problem, it is that dawning realisation that they view you in a different way to how you view them and that you are much further down their priority list! And that even those who you were so close that you shared holidays with can drop you like a stone when your paths cease to cross regularly.

I understand that friendships can be fluid and that many are friendships of convenience until the circumstances change, eg if your dc’s are friends or do activities together, or if you both attend the same activities and you are “thrown together”, but is it inevitable that this will happen most of the time? And how do others seem to find more meaningful friendships in the same circumstances. Could it be that I’m fairly reserved (not hugely quiet but not massively bubbly)?

An example...

I attended a local fitness class for over a year with a lovely bunch of ladies, great fun. Lots of chats etc. A fairly large group of them started meeting up for lunches, walks etc but never extended the invite to me.

I could give numerous other examples but an interested in others’ experiences and also what I may be doing to encourage this?

Have you ever instigated a meet up lunch yourself?

Yes I have quite a few times.

I have invited various groups of friends or couples to our house and had a nice time. This has rarely been reciprocated. (It has been sometimes but not often). Recently I invited a friend for drinks and she mentioned it to another friend, I think because she doesn’t like to feel left out. It was fine by me and we had a good night. But the other friend just invited the original friend back to hers and not me! And the original friend didn’t think to mention that I’d like to come!

I have also in the past tried to organise lunches and coffees etc but often find people are busy or cry off at the last minute so I have lost my nerve a little with that.

I recently contacted a “friend “ I’d not seen since the start of the pandemic for a catch up, she invited me over to hers in the morning. I took some flowers as I thought it was kind she’d agreed to host me. It was a bit weird to be honest, she didn’t offer a drink or anything, the conversation was good but a bit more polite than last time we’d met up.

I have very few friends. But they all mean something to me, through bad experiences with people in general I don't bother to meet up or give time to people I don't fully click/gel with. The friends I do have are the same... I have met people in the past through having kids (groups) or through work etc, and tried to socialise when invited for a coffee or whatever, for me if the connection isn't there I lose interest fast/or get bored fast. ... I see people online who have a boat load of friends, and it either seems a bit shallow/un-meaningful.. OR maybe its a case of being an introvert or extrovert. ... If you are reaching out to people who let you down, forget about them. Unless they have a valid reason they arn't worth being part of your life.

My wife is reserved until you get to know her but she builds deep friendships with people - I think this is because a) she is a very good listener, she genuinely takes an interest in other peoples lives - I always say she is like a monkey who likes to climb on everyone else's family tree so she gets to know about peoples siblings, parents, kids - their jobs, illnesses, births/marriages/deaths, etc - she likes to understand the people's lives. She has a very good memory for the things people say to her - I think that's because she genuinely is interested in other peoples lives b) she's not a gossip and is seen as very trustworthy (she is!) so people open up to her - she can be trusted to keep things to herself that people share with her and c) she is there for people when they have problems - I think this is a key one. It's surprising how some people can avoid someone because something bad has happened in their lives - often they make themselves scarse simply because they do not know what to say and worry about saying the wrong thing. d) she is quite honest with people if she has a different opinion about something but she's very tactful. e) she doesn't bang on about herself, her amazing kids, holidays, husband, etc - she doesn't talk about material things. She'll use the words "you" and "your" far more than "I, me, my, we, our," etc. f) she is quite disarming and asks a lot of deep questions g) she is very open about herself and her/our problems and difficulties in life - I've been around her for many years watching, learning and hearing about about how she is with others and these are the things I've noticed time and time again. HTH