Help me help my son with his anxiety

[clto2021]

Sorry, not really an AIBU but am at my wits end and I know this topic gets lots of traffic. My son is 7. He's always struggled with his confidence and at times becomes very anxious. This week these issues have been thrown back into the limelight due to summer holidays ending and going back to school etc. For the last 4 mornings he has been in floods of tears, clinging to me, running after me if I try to leave etc. Just before anyone asks there are 100% no issues or concerns once he is at school . He comes out with a great big smile, has lots of friends and is academically able. However he just completely freaks himself out when he has to leave me or his dad. Last night he had the same reaction when being dropped at Beavers and last week it was swimming. All the other children (including his brother) just go straight in without any concerns. Over the years I have tried doing workbooks with him, reading story books, playing games to try and distract his brain, positive affirmations, talking about his worries, trying not to talk about them, a worry journal, a worry monster. I have tried being soft and understanding and I have tried being firm. Nothing works. You can literally see the panic building and he is genuinely feeling scared. In the past I have asked the school about ELSA but they said he is fine at school and so wouldn't meet the requirements. He has also started developing new fears. He is already worried about the Christmas play! Scared of dogs out of nowhere. Just very anxious and shy. Should I speak to the school again? The gp? Or has anyone got any other advice or things that have helped. It's now causing arguments between myself and my husband because dh has no patience for it and is threatening him with consequences. Whereas I truly believe he is not doing anything intentionally but needs strategies to overcome it.

I would suggest talking to his teacher, they might be able to let you know if it's something that abates through the day, if not they can help with a referral to someone for anxiety. My child's teacher has a meditation corner, lots of children are coming out of the pandemic with anxiety. Google breathing techniques, it might help him calm down independently when he's away from you.

Sorry just re read that you've asked the school already, but you can Google camhs and ask for a referral yourself, they're very helpful!

Oh bless him, tell your DH to back off, you can't punish someone for feeling anxious that is just awful and i can't imagine what that would do to your mental health. I just wouldn't give it too much attention and try really hard not to get anxious about him getting anxious! He will pick up on it.

Ask him about his day after school, who his friends are and what he likes most and then on the way to school remind him of all the things he enjoyed the previous day. Be really confident about it and excited about what a good day he is going to have and what you're going to do together after school (in case he is worried about you forgetting him or something) don't entertain any worry or upset just stay breezy and light - even if he is hanging off your arm in floods of tears just act like it's all fine and normal.

My DS has ASD and struggles with transitions/new things. I find it really helps him when anxious to talk about similar situations he has been in where he was anxious but then it was all fine once he got there. So if you talk to him about what a great day he had before and you wonder if he'll do any more x, y or z or what his friends will be doing that might help. It might take a bit of time but he'll get there.

Thank you for your reply. Although the pandemic has had an impact I don't think it's the main trigger for my son. He has struggled with this ever since starting nursery at 10 months! Good idea for the breathing techniques, I will get on Google! And may well have a chat with his teacher if things don't improve x

Tal45 thank you for your reply. It's reassuring to hear what you have to say because that is the route I'm going down. Trying to be positive and reassuring. And don't worry my husband has been told!! Hence the arguments! My son doesn't have a diagnosis of anything but has always found change incredibly hard.

I have multiple friends who have children with varying degrees of anxiety. They use magnesium which has a calming influence on the body and mind apparently. Each one has said their child is vastly improved when taking it daily. I've attached a pic of the one they use.

Thank you, I have never heard of taking magnesium. I will do some research around it

Your DH will be making things so much worse, whether he realises it or not.
Before he attends these things, especially when they are new, are you telling him you are doing and what to expect, and what might be asked of him? I know you've tried a lot, I'm just thinking on a personal level why I get worried about stuff like this an adult (I have social anxiety, which doesn't show because I am friendly and can make friends but the actual part of the build up and going in is the worst bit).

Maybe a recognition that it's the going in bit that feels bad but it's worth that temporary feeling to have the fun might help? I dunno. That's the only thing that works for me.

No help or advise but reading with interest, my son is 5 and suffers terribly from anxiety. To the point he can be physically sick. Today at school he cried and cried, asking if he could go to his nannys instead, he just doesn't like being away from home.

Does he say he likes the activities he's doing or are you taking him to help him branch out a little?

Again thank you for everyone's replies. With him the main issue is definitely the initial separation. At school and at clubs once he's there he loves it but he builds up a panic prior to attending meaning that he has a melt down when we arrive. I always try to remind how much he loves it and ensure that he actually wants to go. I like the idea of discussing the fact that it's only the first bit that's difficult with him though will try that as a focus.

@clto2021
I read your opening post and bookmarked to come back to.
My heart was pounding !

I have been there .
It is horrible x

DS is now 17 , so can now articulate with me better than 10/12 years ago !
This was us and him.

Don't be firm/cross .
This will exasperate anxiety .

Not too many expectations..
As above !

You need to leave at 11 am ?
Say you need to leave at 10.30 am .
Gives space for lateness without stress .

Believe in your child ...
They don't understand their feelings/emotions...but they are real

DS kept saying he had a sore throat going into school.
Throat was fine ..
After a doctor appointment ..( wonderful young locum doctor )
It turn out he had acid reflux coming up into his throat from anxiety.

There is no quick cure x

Slow and steady wins the race ...and let him know you are always behind him .

I have more to say if you want to pm me .

Just read the other posts ...
Maybe just stick to one stressful thing at a time ..IE school ?
And leave beavers and swimming to another time ?

The key to dealing with anxiety is to not back away from what makes him anxious. But simultaneously you need to be supportive, so any people around DS getting cross will make it worse as it will heighten the fight, flight or freeze response. Can you afford some private therapy? There is no point trying to access some from the NHS, he will be an adult before it comes through. Some CBT would probably be very helpful, but it needs to be someone who is experienced in his age group.

If you dont get on top of it now, it is highly likely to get worse as he gets older.

In the meantime
Name his anxiety and discuss the situations that set it off for him
Agree that these situations do make him anxious and this is not something that he can just turn off, and must be very annoying for him
Walk through how he physically feels when he gets anxious..heart racing, stomach upset, tears, clenched jaw, wants to run, wants to lash out…..tease out and focus on the physical sensations not the emotional ones (i dont want to go inside)
Write a list of his physical sensations and stick it on the fridge
Explain that these feeling are as a result of his body getting confused and making adrenalin accidentally. The adrenalin makes him have these physical changes and that it is what makes him feel the way he does.

Explain that the adrenalin only lasts for 10 mins or so, and that is why he is fine later on if he can stick it out. (As opposed to it being a actual problem in which case he would not enjoy any of school at all)

See if you can get him to agree to try an ‘exposure’. Agree a situation that normally makes him anxious. Hopefully one that you can artificially create (so starting the school day wont work) maybe being dropped off at a friends house..friend needs to be in on the plan
Head to the drop off point with a copy of the list of his symptoms.
Wait for the anxiousness to start and then gently ask him to check in with his body and notice which symptoms he is getting. Dont actually try and leave him, stay with him and help him name what is going on. Try and get him to persist in that state of being uncomfortable, coach him through it with lots of encouragement…get him to breath steadily, try to relax his muscles and be aware of what crazy symptoms his body is trying to bamboozle him with, time how long he persists. If he wants to stop and leave, let him. Write down his ‘exposure’ time . The next day, do it again and try and beat his last time. Keep going again and again. Eventually he will outlast the adrenalin and will be amazed that it calms down and he is still there, all in one piece with you right next to him.

That is the win. This technique, if it works for him, will probably need refreshing every couple of years, but he will be able to use for the rest of his life in similar situations. The aim is to coach him on how to control his reaction to his own adrenalin not deny it, or get him to hide from it.

Obviously with lockdown this has intensified the situation for children with separation issues. You need a strategy for the next few months and on deciding that be consistent.

When leaving your child you need a routine where they know it’s coming and a point action or sentence etc where the child know exactly that your leaving

They need plenty of socialisation, have some Friends over set them with games or a task and let them get on with it, mistakes, squabbles and all (obviously do let things get out of hand) don’t let them know your watching or be available, increase this by 5 mins at a time

You could let them have a task at home all there own doesn’t have to be much but again encourages independence.

Join clubs, find something they like where you can leave them for an hour or at least be in a different room.

Is there someone else they trust eg aunty uncle etc just another experience, I’m sure you are great at parenting but a new person going out with Uncle xxx will throw a new dynamic into the role, let’s do some boys stuff not parents and child stuff etc

Hang in there

Sorry that was a really long post. I have been through it with DS and we were lucky to have lots of professional help

Fantastic advice from pp @SeaToSki

Have you asked him for his suggestions on how to deal with it? My DD, also 7, is exactly the same. She is fine once in, but the moment of separation is just too overwhelming for her. She then starts worrying about it days before.
She has come up with some good ideas for us to try. Sometimes they work and sometimes not, but I’m hoping she will start to gain some awareness and give her a bit of control over the situation.
One thing that she understood was ‘You have to go (in to school), it is your choice if you go in happy with a smile, or sad and crying.’ It doesn’t always work, but she’s still only young.

I would still err on the caution that it will be a quick fix .

Thank you so so much everyone. There is some really useful advice on here and it's great to feel understood and empathised with. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I will definitely be trying some of these strategies. Thank you x

Starving the anxiety gremlin is a great book
Educate your son about anxiety and why his body feels the way it does. Explain that when we feel worried our primal brain kicks in as it would if confronted with a sabre tooth tiger in years gone by. They sets off the flight flight freeze response which is normal- it really helps to understand that their body is acting in a normal way. Look at techniques to help with this- not just the breathing and visualisation in times of stress but preventative work like regular mindful time, physical activity etc, sleep hygiene etc
Get him to look at worries he can control and have have a toolkit of things he can do for those he can’t. Let him choose them and out them in a box which is readily available. For some kids it’s stuff like play dog, for others it’s a game of football ( you’d use a picture of that)
Get him to understand his unhelpful thoughts and see if he can turn it into something more helpful ie from ‘I’m going to hate school I hate change’ to ‘I’m really worried about school but last time this happened I felt fine’ it sounds very simple but getting him into the habit of managing his own thoughts will be helpful long term
Respond objectively and curiously ie I csn hear you’re feeling really worried. Can you remember what helped last time or I wonder how your body feels at the minute? I remember last time you felt like this xyz really helped

Thank you Grapewrath. This is one of the books I've done with him as well as another similar one aimed at his age. He told me it made him feel more scared! However may have another look once he's in a calmer place x