to step in when witnessing verbal abuse with kids?

[Poppydoppy18]

This is more of a what-if scenario because I want to know about other people’s opinions.
After reading one of the threads that’s trending right now (2 year old on community page), I started thinking about this topic again.

The other day I was walking my dogs somewhere where there’s lots of families with kids. There was one mom with her daughter (I’m bad with ages but she might’ve been 5/6) and she was having a massive go at the child who wanted to play a game on her phone. Fair enough that you don’t want to give up your phone, but there was lots of shouting and swearing involved which I personally think is NOT ok.
I wanted to step in and say something but

1. There were lots of others around who noticed, judged internally but didn’t actually step in
2. I’m not a mom so maybe I’m judging the situation wrongly

Would you have stepped in? Where do you draw the line in what’s ok and what’s verbal abuse?

I distinctly remember an advertisement that was on TV when I was a teen (not in the UK). It showed a mum screaming and swearing at her daughter on the street, with people watching but not interfering. The point they were making was that you should DEFINITELY interfere and when I saw this ad, I always thought I would.
Now I’ve moved to the UK and when I witness these situations, I find myself struggling to actually do it.

Would love to hear your opinions on this.

YABU = mind your own business
YANNU = please step in

If it's just shouting and swearing then I wouldn't get involved. Words are just about the only weapons parents are allowed to use against their children when they misbehave.

What do you hope to achieve? Because I think all that will happen is the parent gets more riled up and more abusive, the child will probably be the one who pays for your interruption.

If you are concerned for the child's welfare you must never get involved, just call the police and give them the details so they can make a decision - they're the people trained to deal with it.

The problem is that by stepping in you may change the immediate situation however the mum might give their child hell when they get home for them being embarrassed, it's a tough one

@HarrietsChariot I don’t know what I hope to achieve, which is why I didn’t say anything at the time. I just feel conflicted since I grew up with the idea that you should definitely step in if you see something that’s not right (whether that’s verbal abuse or something else), but it feels different when you’re confronted with the situation.

@kazillionaire yes exactly, which is of course not something I want to cause! But I also don’t want to look away

For me it would depend on multiple factors like body language, level of aggression, age of the child and how affected the child was.

If the child was in hysterical tears and the mom was continually shouting in the childs face, for example, I'd step in.

If the mom was walking away from the child and having a bit of a rant, I wouldn't.

Did the child look massively distressed?

'if it's just shouting and swearing then I wouldn't get involved.' swearing at a 6 year old?!! Wow.
There have been a few times OP over the years that I still play back and wish I had stepped in. Its finding the right words in that monent. But yes I absolutely think members of the public should step in when a child is being verbally and emotionally abused.

It’s a difficult one. I have known people to step in when a child is being hit in public, but those same people walked by when a child was being shouted at

Are we suppose to step in when parents shout at their children? I certainly wouldn’t, I saw a man screaming at his child the other day as the child ran out into the road, he was really screaming his head off and it did make me feel uncomfortable but no way am I approaching an angry man on the street mind you I wouldn’t have anything to say anyway! Erm stop shouting?

I wouldn’t intervene unless the child was in serious danger. Shouting/swearing is crap parenting but you can’t police that, unfortunately. It may make the passer-by feel better about doing something but sadly you might make it worse for the child (speaking from experience). If it looked like serious abuse I’d call the police, otherwise I’d accept there was nothing much I could do.

I stepped in once when a dad was on a train with his two sons, the oldest one was on the receiving end of his dad’s telling off which was so vile, irate and unnecessary with swear words thrown in. Boy must have been around 6/7. You could tell people were shocked but no one woke up. So I told him exactly what I thought, that’s no way to speak to someone especially a small child. He told me to keep my nose out but he did look sheepish after that and left the train the via the furthest door to avoid me. I will always call stuff out I don’t agree with especially if it involves innocent children.

I have been in a similar position and yes I did speak up. A father and his friend were shouting at his son as they walked up the street. I directed my comments to the young lad saying he should speak to a counsellor at school for help. The father shouted abuse toward me and told me to mind my own business. I told him that when he shouted loudly and I could hear I was automatically involved and he should not be talking to his son like that. Verbal abuse is as bad as physical abuse.

The issue i think is the line is blurred between verbal abuse and just frustration. Where as with physical abuse it's a relatively clear line.

Of course some verbal abuse is clear as day and I may say something in a situation like that if I feel safe to do so.

But I definitely would never say something if it's just some shouting and the odd swearing...

Think of it this way... Is it bad enough that if a social worker was assigned to assess the situation would they take away the kid (even temporarily)? If the answer is no... then don't get involved.

I hate seeing parents swearing and shouting at kids, sometimes it's really frightening for the kids and completely OTT.

I actually knocked on a new neighbours (not adjoining) front door as I could hear her screaming at her children who were only small. So yes I knocked on to ensure she was ok and to ensure she knew I could hear her. It's bullying and vile if it's more than a short burst.

But then I have stepped in while a husband was being abusive to his wife, I can't just walk on by, my failing.

I’ve heard of people stepping in when couples argue only to get verbally abused by BOTH of them so no way would I get involved with couples arguing

It is difficult because the parent may actually take the embarrassment out on the child later. I was on holidays one time and a father/step father hit his daughter (about fourteen) over the head with a spoon very hard. I didn't intervene and still think about it and feel that I should have done something.

I actually knocked on a new neighbours (not adjoining) front door as I could hear her screaming at her children who were only small.... But then I have stepped in while a husband was being abusive to his wife
You sound like an insufferable busybody who makes a mountain out of a molehill, and a minor row 10x worse.

@thinkbiglittleone

But then I have stepped in while a husband was being abusive to his wife, I can't just walk on by, my failing.

I mean - you don’t really think it’s a failing, do you? You’re proud of being the kind of person who ‘just can’t walk on by’.

Meanwhile it’s vastly more complex than that and there are real risks for the person on whose behalf you’re intervening. Intervening is definitely never a reason to feel smug.

I stepped in when a man had his wife up against a wall and was punching her. She was crying. I shouted at him and told him I would call the police. It was frightening. I called the police when I got home.

I would not interfere if it was a parent shouting at a child unless I thought the child was in danger. You never know what someone might do to you.

I had 2 infections in my tooth once was on 2 types of antibiotics plus various pain relief for weeks I was in agony felt like I was being hit in the jaw with an axe. I was in such pain and my son was being so rude and naughty I shouted and swore at him I've always felt so bad about it. Not done it since and hadn't done it before. I'd have been mortified if anyone said anything but would have deserved it.