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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think grown up physically absent DC don't know how bad DPs are?

24 replies

Pipsquiggle · 08/09/2021 13:16

So this has been going on for about 18 months.

I have a 92 year old neighbour who lives by herself since her husband died in summer last year. She has no DC but her husband has a son who I will call DSS who lives 3 and a half hours away. We live in a village but not in the centre, she cannot walk to any of the amenities or drive.

Before DH died, I popped round once a week just to see how they were. When her DH died, I set up a rota so that, with the other neighbours, someone would pop into see her everyday.

Her health declined and she was very vulnerable, yet her DSS didn't think she needed any help, although she rang me every single day for a little job to do - it was very hard, I work full time and have 2DC to look after.

The inevitable happened, she fell on the floor where she stayed for a few hours until DSS rang me up to see if I would check on her. She went to hospital for a couple of weeks and then they got a live in carer - fantastic.

For the past few months, I have seen her up and about, walking down the lane with her carer, her health has really improved, her carer also took her to social activities. I no longer got daily phone calls.

To my dismay, DSS has decided she does not need a live in carer anymore. She is having someone who pops in 3 times a day to check on her. The daily phone calls have started again.
DSS has no idea how frail she is as she rallies when he occasionally visits. What do I do? Tell him bluntly I don't think the care plan in place is adequate?

OP posts:

pickingdaisies · 08/09/2021 13:21

Yes. Tell him exactly what you've told us. Parents will (nearly) always minimise their difficulties to their DC, they have their pride, their dignity. I have a friend who is desperately concerned about her own DP who lives several hours drive away, but DP insists all is well. A less caring DC would probably be happy to take them at their word.

AmberRoseGold · 08/09/2021 13:21

That sounds very difficult and she is lucky to have you nearby. Would it be easier to have an evidence based? So keep a record for a week or two (I know this is even more work for you). If he has any sense of decency he would surely feel embarrassed that you have had to do so Loch. And it makes it very hard to think of it as an exaggeration of a one off incident. Good luck.

AdultingAvoidance · 08/09/2021 13:22

A call to adult social services asking about possible services should trigger an assessment by them which may be preferable to facing the possible wrath of DSS.

5128gap · 08/09/2021 13:25

No you don't tell him the care plan is inadequate unless you want to get his back up. Tell him what you have observed to be the issues and be very clear about the limitations on the support you will offer and how he should be notified if you have concerns.

householdrmk · 08/09/2021 13:26

You need to stop taking her calls. Contact Help the Aged and explain to them what's going on. I would contact her son and let him know if you can. Also contact adult social services and explain to them how fragile she is and needs an assessment.

If she calls tell her to contact her step son for help. I understand that you're being kind but you are part of the problem if your help is preventing her get the help she needs.

5128gap · 08/09/2021 13:27

Plus if she has 3 visits a day perhaps the plan is adequate and she just prefers to ask for your help with extras. Unless her requests are urgent perhaps gently explain to her you are busy and steer her back to asking her carers.

Hekatestorch · 08/09/2021 13:29

Who was paying for the live in carer?

Seasonschange · 08/09/2021 13:29

Maybe they/she couldn’t afford a live in carer? What’s she asking you to do that can’t be put off till the next carer visit?

Porridgealert · 08/09/2021 13:31

Live in carers are very expensive so it might be money is a problem. If I thought SS would give my mum any help, I'd ring them and trigger an assessment myself. They're useless.

If you're concerned, I'd definitely contact the son. She might be telling him that she's fine and he believes her. It's so easy to be taken in because to be honest, you want to believe them. I know, I've been there. But I would have been grateful if someone had been honest with me over what was going on. It might be different though because he's a DSS rather than DS.

You do need to deal with her ringing you, either by giving her another number to ring or having a number that you can call to pass her problems onto. Sorry this has all landed on you. It's so true, no good deed goes unpunished.

UpTheLaganInABubble · 08/09/2021 13:47

Could you ring the DSS every time she rings you? In a "just letting you know..." kind of way. Maybe if it starts affecting him as much as you, he'll reconsider the care plan

thenewduchessofhastings · 08/09/2021 13:54

Tbh and I know this isn't a nice suggestion but maybe she'd be better off in a care home.

The one my MIL was in was bloody lovely;it's not always doom and gloom on that front.

It sounds as though it'd be the best place full her as she'd be cared for and have lots of company.

Tal45 · 08/09/2021 14:02

A live in carer would be very expensive. SS will only provide 4 visits a day before it is cheaper for the person to be in a care home - but if she has money or owns her own home she will have to pay. If she owns her own home it will have to be sold which may be what the son is trying to avoid as it will be his inheritance. You can tell him you don't think it's adequate but I doubt he'll do anything. If she has capacity then I doubt they will force her to go in a home unless she's really not coping poor thing.

KylieKoKo · 08/09/2021 14:09

I feel like DSS is using you as a free carer. He gets to save money without doing any of the leg work which he has delegated to a woman. It's very entitled of him. Could you be unavailable for a couple of weeks and get her to call him instead. If he can't or won't pay for a carer then he needs to shoulder some of the burden of care.

Original poster

Pipsquiggle · 08/09/2021 14:50

To answer your queries.

The house she lives in will be worth over £1.5m in its current state. Pretty sure it's paid off some time ago but don't know if it was in DH's name and whether she got everything in the will as she is the 2nd wife or does it go to DSS? They were married for over 50 years.

The live in carer probably was expensive but there is the house so not short of money.

Yes I think the DSS is taking the piss and taking advantage of me. Every time she called me I sent the DSS a Whatsapp

She hates the idea of moving or going into a home but i actually think this would be very good for her - she's very social, mentally very sharp

OP posts:

trumpisagit · 08/09/2021 14:56

Live in carers cost approx £1000 a week though.
Perhaps she can no longer afford it?

nanbread · 08/09/2021 14:59

I'd have a sharp word with him. It's one thing to look out for your neighbour, not ok to expect you to be daily support.

ManifestDestinee · 08/09/2021 14:59

She's not his mother and he's not responsible for her, though it sounds like he is doing what he can.
He is not taking the piss out of you, more you are trying to make his fathers widow his problem. People are calling him entitled...but he is not her next of kin. Why should he pay a thousand pounds a week for a live in carer?

Backwaterjunction · 08/09/2021 15:00

No don’t tell son, he obviously doesn’t care too much and to be honest you probably know little about his upbringing or relationship with his step mother, or you may know one side, also if she’s 92 well he could easily be in his 60s and have problems of his own.

Call social services and send them details or the calls you and you neighbours have done a proper log, otherwise they will never know, you could catch the carers explain to them and ask them to raise a “concern report” that’s tagged to thier file but this won’t be acted upon till a review of the file for social services so could be sometime, plus you are reliant upon the carers understanding and writing ability to get the point over

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/09/2021 15:01

Money in a house doesn’t equal liquid assets. It’s very likely she’s not wanting to sell and move but can’t fund the help she needs without doing so.

I’m not sure what the stepson can actually do in this situation. It’s very easy to say from the outside what she needs, but making that happen from the inside is a very different story. He can’t force her to sell her house. He can’t make money appear where it doesn’t exist. He’s likely doing the best he can with what he has to work with.

If you don’t want to or can’t help to level she’s asking. You need to tell her and the stepson and be direct about it.

Hekatestorch · 08/09/2021 17:30

Al she doesn't want to go in a home or sell the home.

So where was the money coming from?

Op I get you felt you were doing a nice thing and you were. But you organised people to check in in her, you then provided her additional support by answering her calls and doing everything she needs.

Dss isn't and wasn't taking the piss or advantage of you. You chose to do these things.

Live in care isn't continuing. There's nothing to say, that he has thought 'ah well the neighbour will step in'.

Would usually like him to force the sale of the house to free up money?

Whilst what you did was kind, it doesn't mean you know all the ins and outs and the complications of this situation.

So yes, yabu to think you know what she needs and what she care she us able to have and why certain decisions have been made.

You definitely make sure he knows, all the things she says she needs from you. But telling him it's inadequate is crossing a line.

MichelleScarn · 08/09/2021 17:34

Does she lack capacity? Maybe she's not wanting to pay for care and it's easier (and free!) to get you to do things for free and rally the other neighbours to join in?

MichelleScarn · 08/09/2021 17:35

And yep why is it the dss who is taking the piss?

Porridgealert · 08/09/2021 17:44

My mum has had a nice apartment built at my brothers house. She won't go. She wants to stay where she is, in a house that is familiar to her with good memories and her belongings around her. At some point I guess it will fall on us to force her, but we're doing everything to keep her where she's happy. Her house is worth 500000 but it's nothing if she's in it. We can't sell it.
For the DSS if she has full capacity, there's not a lot he can do. So having three carers a day is a good compromise.
I definitely agree that you need to get her calling someone else. I don't mean this nastily about her, but shes not your problem.

NailsNeedDoing · 08/09/2021 17:49

If she’s mentally very sharp, you can’t go behind her back and talk to her step son, not when you could have the conversation with her if you wanted to. You have no idea why they’ve decided to change the care package, but you can be less available to help than you have been. She should know she’s asking a lot of she’s calling you every day.

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