Habit of turning every conversation into platitudes and reflections on life

[talesofginza]

I have a family member who has always been like this, but it’s something I only properly started to put my finger on in recent years.

It is often hard to have a casual conversation about anything specific with this person without it being pulled quickly into platitudes or broad reflections on life, love or some other theme of the human condition. To give an example, I might start to talk about something I have done recently with DP and instead of talking about what we did, she will immediately start talking about how wonderful DP is and how nice it is that we found each other, to share life together, etc. Or perhaps we are eating together and start talking about the food, and she starts talking about how important food is to life, and eating well, appreciating food and good company, etc.

I have nothing against the odd 'deep meaningful conversation', and at the same time I am the last person to want to bore someone else with inane details about my everyday life– I’m not particularly chatty. The family member in question has said I’m a bit reserved and should open up a bit – but I’ve come to realise that I may be this way around her because conversations so often become extended platitudes and musings on life. It’s a bit predictable and heavy going.

AIBU to find this mildly irritating at times? Does anyone know someone like this or have the habit themselves (in which case, I would be happy to know why!)?

There is someone like this in my DH family, absolutely lovely person but I find I have to be in the right mood and often I will be wrangling a toddler at the same time as chatting so don’t really have the energy or focus to get into the deep and meaningfuls. They probably think I’m vapid 😂

I too have a family member like this. It's wearing. I agree they probably think I'm shallow!

DH does this. I feel like it's shutting the conversation down.

Yes! Sometimes I don’t have the desire or mental energy for a deep conversation😂😂😂

I don’t know anyone like that, but if I did I absolutely would avoid them. It’s just not interesting conversation. If anything, it’s like they’re a member of a cult.

I also would have no truck with someone deciding ‘I should come out of myself a bit more’.

Actually I know someone who turns every conversation round to the climate, and whilst that’s fine obviously and I’m all for discussing it, not all the time and not when I’m out for a drink and other people are gossiping about something interesting in my earshot and I have to nod sagely as they wang on. So I now don’t go on drinks with this person.

Oh I do know somebody kind of like this. They'll do something very mundane and talk about how alive or grateful it makes them feel. Or go say, kayaking, for the first time and talk about how it reminds them how strong they are etc. I generally sit there thinking "it's not that deep" but don't say anything...

It's fine when it's sometimes but not every moment or activity needs to be life affirming.

I've been told off for getting too deep during conversations that don't warrant it. I used to enjoy relating whatever we were discussing to something else that seemed connected. I make an effort to stay more surface level these days, but it's a hard habit to break if that's the direction your thoughts naturally tend to go. No advice, sorry, except that being told I'm "just showing off" and that "no one really thinks that way" is what has got me to hold back a bit in conversation. But obviously don't say any of that because it was awful and now I'm a lot more self conscious about what I say and whether to contribute than I used to be. It hasn't stopped the way I think, it's just stopped me sharing what I think.

Maybe they don't properly understand what you are saying but mask it with the platitudes? Early dementia even?

My MIL did this when she started going deaf. Rather than participate in a two-way conversation which she wouldn't admit she couldn't hear properly, she would go off on a monologue about something generic. Perhaps you could suggest a hearing aid

Ugh my aunt is like this.

Worse,she also eulogises about the person she's speaking to.

For example, you remark on how you almost got caught in the rain. She'll launch into a fluttery vague speech about how she loves the rain and how wonderful it is blah blah but then it takes a horrible turn when she starts to remark on your hair and call you BEAUTIFUL (maybe at 15 love, not at this age) and bang on about your hair and your skin and youre there thinking WTF I was just remarking on the fucking rain!!!

I tend to keep my interactions fairly brief, tbh. She's like this with everyone.

This also reminds me of someone with early dementia who finds it difficult to have a conversation about a new or specific topics. My elderly MIL does this.

Or, the person is not really interested in you or what you are saying.

@IVflytrap

I've been told off for getting too deep during conversations that don't warrant it. I used to enjoy relating whatever we were discussing to something else that seemed connected. I make an effort to stay more surface level these days, but it's a hard habit to break if that's the direction your thoughts naturally tend to go. No advice, sorry, except that being told I'm "just showing off" and that "no one really thinks that way" is what has got me to hold back a bit in conversation. But obviously don't say any of that because it was awful and now I'm a lot more self conscious about what I say and whether to contribute than I used to be. It hasn't stopped the way I think, it's just stopped me sharing what I think.

I think that way too. I'm sure I'd love to converse with you. Don't you feel like you're dumbing yourself down by purposely stopping yourself?

It's ok not to be perfectly compatible with everyone, especially a relative. You find her a bit over-effusive, she finds you a bit reserved. You're just different people. As long as you get on well enough for family purposes, it isn't anything to worry about.

YABU - rich tapestry and all that

I find, that in life, one starts to see…

It sounds like the opposite of a deep conversation, though, if all they’re doing is trotting out platitudes. I agree it’s annoying, though. My mother does it, and I think in her case it’s nervousness — she’s shy and has minimal social skills, and she thinks it’s the kind of thing that’s uncontroversial and relatable. It drives me mad.

Sounds exhausting!

Glad I'm not the only one! If we weren't so close I might find it more grating, instead it's something that just makes me roll my eyes a bit now and again, when I'm not in the mood for it. It's definitely not dementia! But that is an interesting thing to know.

@IVflytrap I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to go a bit deeper on things. I think what you describe is a bit different from what I get with my family member, which isn't so much depth as a repertoire of responses/speeches which by now I've heard many times before.

@ElspethFlashman I love the "just talking about the rain" line