About my birthday card this year

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

I think I might be very unreasonable. But please be gentle anyway.

My beloved mum died in July. We were very close. I’m functioning on the outside. But feel somewhat unhinged with grief.

It’s my birthday soon. Every year my parents have bought be absolutely lovely cards. Really pretty and with heartfelt words written by them both. I have kept lots of them. Definitely have the ones from last few years. I am dreading getting a card this year from just my DF. To be clear, he means just as much to me as my DM. I have seen him every day since DM died and he came on holiday with us. This is not about him being “second best”. I would have felt the same had it been the other way around. But I would really like to say to him that I have had so many lovely cards over the years that he shouldn’t trouble to buy one this year. Just to avoid seeing a card without my DM’s name in it. Somehow that it just too much for my heart to hold. I have tried to be strong, but fear this little thing might break me.

This will be very hurtful to my DF won’t it? I just have to accept it and smile.

Tell him 'I am dreading getting a birthday card from you this year because I miss mum so much'. And depending on your relationship 'please can you get a really tacky one and don't write anything meaningful in it at all'. Then that will make you smile through the tears on the day. Its ok to feel your feelings, they won't stay as intense forever unless you don't let them be felt x

Chances are he will put your DM's name on it too, OP. I would not say anything and certainly wouldn't try to make him change a family tradition. He's hurting too.

It's one of those sad moments you just have to live through, I remember them so well. It will be difficult for him writing the card too. Think I would just read it and keep it. It won't be easy, but I think he might feel very sad not giving you a card.

I understand OP. The first year is particularly hard. However I wouldn't say anything to your father. Let him write the card and accept it; you don't have to open it or look at it. There's no easy answer to this, it's hard to deal with. It will get easier with time.

You're not being unreasonable OP, I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't comprehend your hurt.

I agree with a pp. Maybe say to your dad that, like all 'significant' dates, you're a bit apprehensive about your birthday so would he mind if, card wise, it's the silliest, jokiest one he can find? It's going to be a really tough to thing for him to contemplate only signing his on name on cards from now on so this might make it easier and maybe even fun, for him too

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mother

It's going to be as tough for your Dad to write the card, as it is for you to receive it.

I would just accept the card, and just open it, and not read it, display it, and maybe read it when you feel a little stronger.

My dad was an artist so we all got hand painted funny personalised birthday cards. He died over 40 years ago and I still have them. Of course I missed getting them but actually I think it must have been harder for my mum having to take on the mantle of sending cards afterwards knowing they wouldn't be as "good" but they were still heartfelt and meant as much.

I'm very sorry for your loss but I do think you're being a bit unreasonable - please don't make your dad feel any worse - it's his loss too

You’re not being unreasonable, of course not. But instead of making it a thing that he might worry about for all the other occasions forever, how about you just say you’re “dreading your birthday this year, can we forget cards & presents & just go for lunch somewhere or have a walk?”. That might take the pressure off him too a bit.

And sorry for your loss

Think of it from your dads point of view too. He could equally be dreading writing you a card without your mum. Maybe you nerd to let him off the hook
“Dad, you know how you and mum have sent me such thoughtful cards over the years…. Well it won’t be the same without her, so don’t feel you have to keep doing it. In fact, let’s stop the tradition now, it was lovely while it lasted, and I’ll treasure the cards I’ve kept.”

I imagine he's dreading having to sign one without her too.

I lost my DH this year and signing cards just from me is awful.

Thank you for kindness all. Much appreciated.

I think telling him I’m dreading my birthday this year, can we just do a nice lunch is a good idea. So is asking him to make a card as tacky as possible. He might like that. He has a good sense of humour. I’ll think about it. I certainly want to protect his feelings. I love him very much indeed.

Thanks again.

I’m so sorry LegendaryReady about your loss. That puts a perspective on what my DF might be feeling. Thank you for sharing.

I definitely think just being honest about how you feel is the best way.

I'd not take this tradition away from him.
He may need to write you a heartfelt card-especially after this awful year for you both- it may be cathartic and to ask him not to do it could be upsetting.

Yanbu at all op.

I stopped sending christmas cards after my dc died. I cant bear to write cards without their names in.

Speak to your dad, he may feel the same way, it could be a relief for you both. Maybe suggest a new tradition for you both.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood you do what you want, you know your own father and your situation better than any of us.

I just noted you wrote I just have to accept it and smile.

When I lost a parent, my birthday was a few months after. I had had some pretty big milestone achievements in between the death and my birthday. My surviving parent wrote me a beautiful heartfelt card, covering everything that had happened. I did accept the card with gratitude but I didn't smile - I read it and cried for about five minutes, it was very bittersweet. Crying over it didn't ruin my birthday or anything and I treasure that card as much as any of the others.

So I just want to say you don't necessarily have to pretend to be perfectly happy about the card if you don't say anything and he writes one. I think you can be honest about your feelings and even cry reading it if you need to. There are a lot of bittersweet moments when you are grieving, they may hurt but it doesn't mean they aren't precious or you should't appreciate them.

I would just suggest maybe not opening the card at a big party!

Thank you for such kind and insightful comments. I do see the potential for a bittersweet moment too. I agree a bit of honesty with my DF about how we both feel is called for.