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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wait to meet someone "in real life"?

14 replies

bookworm100 · 07/09/2021 19:04

I'm 33, have never been married and have no children. I've had several long-term relationships and was once engaged to an abusive man but thankfully that ended.

Last month I rejoined all the old dating apps and have been chatting with a few guys and met up with a couple. I just find it all a bit overwhelming and I'm wondering if I would be being very silly to come off them and wait/hope for it to happen organically.

I do want to have children one day, though I'm very open to the idea of adoption if it wasn't possibly naturally.

Am I too old to be thinking like this? I do want to meet someone. I just feel anxious about dating apps...not least because I met my abusive ex on one!

Really grateful for your thoughts. X

OP posts:
kgov1 · 07/09/2021 19:08

I met my husband in 'real life' but why do you have to choose or limit your options?

There is nothing to stop you pursuing online dating alongside exploring real life options simultaneously whilst you are single.

RedMarauder · 07/09/2021 19:20

There is nothing to stop you pursuing online dating alongside exploring real life options simultaneously whilst you are single.

This with bells on it.

OLD is to increase your pool of potential partners and to help you increase your confidence. The fact you have to introduce yourself to a stranger and see if you gel with them means, you should be able to talk to anyone in rl.

westendgirl780 · 07/09/2021 21:38

Agree it’s worth doing both at once - but as an online dating veteran (did eventually meet husband!) the idea of it increasing confidence is a laugh. You need the hide of a rhino. And that was before the apps really took off.

Bloodypunkrockers · 07/09/2021 21:42

@RedMarauder

There is nothing to stop you pursuing online dating alongside exploring real life options simultaneously whilst you are single.

This with bells on it.

OLD is to increase your pool of potential partners and to help you increase your confidence. The fact you have to introduce yourself to a stranger and see if you gel with them means, you should be able to talk to anyone in rl.

How can it increase confidence?

It's the most depressing, harsh experience I've had

Original poster
bookworm100 · 07/09/2021 21:58

I appreciate the posters who say to do both, but my point with the apps is that they are very time-consuming and it's not easy to just "do a little bit" because of the way they are designed (you have to swipe past one person to see another, and then there is a time limit on how long you have to contact them before they disappear).

Perhaps I would find old-fashioned, web-based online dating easier, but does anyone use that anymore?

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 07/09/2021 22:04

Tbf to you OP, you've missed over a year of potentially meeting someone in real life and it is almost impossible to plan to meet someone without online dating.

I went through a phase of "always saying yes" to potential opportunities, so yes to anyone who asked me out in real life and online to get myself back in the dating mindset. Then I randomly met DH at a work do and that was that!

How did you end up meeting your ex partners (not the abusive one)?

Original poster
bookworm100 · 07/09/2021 22:12

Thanks @Biancadelrioisback - I think you're right about it being impossible to plan to meet someone in real life...that's what I was afraid of!

The abusive one aside, I met one of my previous serious boyfriends at university and the other through my brother. I suppose I could ask him/other friends if they know anyone else!

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 07/09/2021 22:26

Rather than asking directly, could you try mingling more with friends and friends friends? Within reason obviously but try not saying no to that night out or that trip etc.
It's horrible putting yourself out there, I know, but I have faith it'll happen!

Kite22 · 07/09/2021 22:28

Am inclined to agree with others - not sure why you can't do both if you get out and about and meet lots of people.

So, what do you do when you are not at work ?
That is key. The odds of you getting together with someone at work are probably pretty low (although I suppose it depends where you work) and the odds of you meeting the love of your life randomly in a supermarket car park, or on your commute are also pretty low.

If you are out 3 or 4 evenings a week doing things that lots of other people are also doing, then the odds of you meeting someone go up considerably. Either someone else doing the same as you, or you make friends with lots of new people, and they start to invite you to drinks or a BBQ or a birthday party or a weekend activity, and you then meet even more people, and now the odds of meeting someone you are compatible with, come down.

If, OTOH, you go to work, come home, eat tea and watch TV or MN then the odds of meeting someone in real life are going to be slim to nothing.

FlumpsAreShit · 07/09/2021 22:31

What about singles nights etc?

A friend of mine used to go to one in Henley where you could only go with a friend of the opposite sex (the idea being you're 'vouching' for them). You pay for a ticket and there was fizz and nibbles etc. There is one near me where I am now for singles who like stand up paddle boarding to meet each other 😜

Craftgirlx · 07/09/2021 22:37

It’s completely about whatever makes you feel most comfortable OP! However, I would say that one bad experience shouldn’t dampen your entire view on online dating. I have had a couple tinder dates and two relationships stemming from tinder matches and have to say, it was the greatest thing I’ve ever done! My current partner and I would have never met had it not been for tinder and we now live together after a year of long distance. I have encouraged a friend to use the app after sharing my experience and now she’s happily engaged to someone she met via tinder too. There are happy stories out there too! You will meet your person, don’t give up Smile

Zealois · 07/09/2021 22:40

I feel like dating is often a numbers game and I looked at dating apps as a way of increasing the number of people I could meet. I met my partner on Tinder, so I'm glad I didn't give up.

The majority of mine and my partner's friends met their partners through dating apps too.

VelvetSpoon · 07/09/2021 22:47

Are you in any way religious?

If so I would start going to your religions place of worship. It's what I would have done if I wasn't such a heathen.

Having been with a friend to her church back when I was single, the sense of community and belonging was so wonderful it made me sad I couldn't be a part of it (without being a massive hypocrite). That's my tip anyway.

People always recommend Parkruns as a good place to meet men but where I live all the blokes do sub 20 min times and are Uber competitive with each other, there's a lot of metaphorical dick swinging. The only other males there running at a more leisurely pace were under 18 or over 60 😂. But it might be better where you are OP.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 08/09/2021 01:20

They are time consuming but you don’t have to do them every day. You can dip in and out or leave it for a week or two etc.

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