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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to bed at the same time as boyfriend?

13 replies

Keke94LND · 07/09/2021 16:18

My boyfriend is an incredibly light sleeper, he has no problem getting to sleep, but he has a problem staying asleep, and once he has woken up he has trouble getting back to sleep. He would literally wake up from the sound of a pin dropping.

He also finds that he naturally wakes up very early (usually between 5 and 6am) and then can't get back to sleep, because of this, he likes to go to bed early, usually some time between 9pm and 9:30pm, with the intention to be asleep by 10.

In the winter I have no problems going to bed early, I like it in fact, but recently We've both been staying up a bit later, and going to bed between half 10 and 11. He said that he is getting really affected by the later nights and waking up early and through the night and then not being able to get back to sleep and that he liked it when we went to bed earlier and he wants to start doing that again and I said okay cool, but I don't want a rigid bed time, sometimes I want to go to bed early, but not everyday, I don't want to feel restricted and I'm not gonna commit to a 9pm bedtime, but he is welcome to go to bed whenever he wants, and he said that his sleep quality is affected if I go to bed after him because he wakes up when I walk in the room (even when I do it really quietly) and then can't get back to sleep. We live in a 1 bed flat so it's not like I can sleep in another room.

AIBU to not want to go to bed when he does? I don't feel like the solution should be him dictating when I go to bed, and think there must be another solution, like sleep therapy or something that stops him waking up so easily

OP posts:

noprofessional · 07/09/2021 16:20

Yanbu! He's ridiculous to expect you to have the bedtime of an adolescent!
I wouldn't even be considering it. Obviously you just carry on being as quiet as you can when you do go to bed but under no circumstances should you give in to this nonsense.

Covetthee · 07/09/2021 16:20

No you’re not being UR, he can’t decide on your sleep just so he can have a better sleep.

Can hr wear earbuds or something to minimise the noise?

I’m a very light sleeper who has trouble getting back to sleep too but I wouldn’t tell my husband when to sleep, i’m the one with the issue, not him

Hankunamatata · 07/09/2021 16:22

I use sleep phones with headspace app

Tangled123 · 07/09/2021 16:23

Has he tried falling asleep to white noise? That might mask the sound of you coming to bed, especially if your side is closer to the door and you don’t need to change or anything first.

OnTheMoonWithSteve · 07/09/2021 16:24

YANBU

Ear buds or one of those sleep masks with the built in white noise.

Original poster

Keke94LND · 07/09/2021 16:25

@Tangled123

Has he tried falling asleep to white noise? That might mask the sound of you coming to bed, especially if your side is closer to the door and you don’t need to change or anything first.

He usually puts a podcast on, or sometimes we listen to rain noises, or I listen to asmr. The problem is he has such a hard time switching off, his mind just doesn't turn off. It does affect him the next day and I don't think he gets a good sleep quality, and he also has a stressful job atm, but I don't think the solution is giving me a strict bed time lol

OP posts:

FrankButchersDickieBow · 07/09/2021 16:26

Oh my god - tell him to piss off!

PinkiOcelot · 07/09/2021 16:27

It’s a no from me! Why should you go to bed early?! No way.

ToomuchHeat · 07/09/2021 16:29

I had to have this conversation with my husband I told him where the sofa was

Elieza · 07/09/2021 16:30

Separate beds. In fact separate rooms!!

Perhaps he’s needing to do some meditation or take more exercise so he gets a better kip. The stressful job is prob the real issue here.

MangoBiscuit · 07/09/2021 16:30

I'm quite similar to your BF. I'm also a very light sleeper, DP putting on the small light to get into bed will wake me up fully and I can't sleep again for hours. If he leaves the light off, he makes more noise, so the same effect.

I did struggle to start with, but we've made a few changes, and it seems to work.
We have a salt lamp on the bedside table. It's a really low orange light, and it doesn't shine on my face at all. I can sleep with it on. DP turns it off when he's in bed.
We have black out curtains, and no gaps around the edge. Midday, bright sun, you can't see your hand in front of your face if the curtains are closed. So no sunrise waking me up.
When DP comes to bed, unless I actually sit up, no chatting. The aim is to keep me as sleepy as possible, so I don't wake fully, and drift off again quickly.
I have also slowly tried to shift my bedtime later, so I'm not coming out of a sleep cycle, and therefore wake more readily, when DP comes to bed. During the summer, I've been staying up even later with him.

I wouldn't have expected DP to force himself to go to bed early. He has offered to sleep on the sofa if I've not slept well recently, but I'd rather he was there. Like I say, it did take a bit of getting used to, for both of us. But I find it much easier to drop back off after DP has come to bed. It was a compromise though, not one of dictating what the other had to do.

amusedbush · 07/09/2021 16:45

YANBU but I'm very like your BF, and DH and I now have separate bedrooms (which I appreciate isn't possible for you).

For me, I can't get to sleep if DH is in the room with me while I'm falling asleep but on the flip side, him coming to bed later would also wake me up and I wouldn't get back to sleep for ages. Even with a sleep mask, separate duvets and white noise he would wake me up again and again, then we'd both be tired and angry in the morning because I'd start the day by moaning about how much he had bothered me overnight.

We're infinitely happier sleeping apart so if you have the opportunity to get two bedrooms in the future, take it. Some people are just not compatible sleep-wise and separate rooms isn't the death knell of relationships people would have you believe.

Pigeonpocket · 07/09/2021 16:45

I'm the same as your boyfriend.
I go to bed at 10pm because I need the sleep, then my husband comes to bed at midnight and wakes me up. He tries to be quiet but just the feeling of someone else getting into bed wakes me up. Then I lie awake for an hour unable to get back to sleep while he snores away merrily beside me.

It drives me mad. We can't agree on a bedtime because we have different sleep needs. We can't sleep in different rooms because we have a small flat. I don't see why his desire to stay up and watch football trumps my need to not have broken sleep. He doesn't see why he should have to go to bed earlier than he'd like. It's a hard one and we haven't figured it out properly, but for now he goes to bed with me 3 or 4 nights a week and stays up the others.

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