How do I handle this situ?

[LouA10]

Hi,

Long story short but my SO has a close relationship with an ex gf's daughter, he sees her as his own daughter.

I have no issue with his relationship with her however she does not know about me, he doesn't seem to have any intention of telling her about me or for there to be any mixing of the 2 sides of his life. When I have asked him about it he has said he has no reason to tell her.
I do have an issue with his ex gf not knowing he is in a relationship. I'm not bothered whether she knows anything about me but just feel it's disrespectful for me to be kept a secret.

This has affected our relationship on several occasions causing an arguement and this then results in him giving me silent treatment or telling me to leave the house :/

For example Christmas, he spent christmas day afternoon and eve with his daughter and ex gf and then stayed at their house overnight. He didn't tell me about his plans until christmas eve. (I also have children so this caused issues as I then had to explain why he wouldn't be there) I then spent xmas day evening by myself.

I said I was uncomfortable with him staying there overnight. Not because he was seeing his daughter but because he was staying overnight with his ex gf who not only doesn't know about our relationship but doesn't know I even exist, but he did it anyway.

Whenever I talk to him about his daughter he says I have an agenda? But won't explain what he means by it. I do ask questions about her and listen if he wants to talk to me etc.
Tbh often I'm trying to just find out more about her, not with an agenda but mainly curiosity! Although it's really hard sometimes to want to be interested when he is hiding our relationship from them.

I feel quite hurt overall, whether or not it is his intention he is making me feel like he is ashamed of me or I am not good enough to even be mentioned in conversation that he is in a relationship. Part of me thinks it's because he doesn't see us as being very long term.

But then other parts of out relationship he does things that would suggest he wants a long term relationship. It is really messing with my head.

Any advice on how I can handle the situation better would be appreciated!

That feels like he's hoping his ex will take him back so he can return to the family unit.

Or it may be that he thinks if his ex knows about you, she'll refuse him access to her daughter, and it is that which he's trying to avoid.

Either way, I wouldn't be happy he stayed the night. Do people elsewhere in his life know about you - his parents, siblings, male friends?

I would not accept this . I understand if they were both single spending the night but he's in a relationship now and things move on . Kids are resilient and get used to spending Christmas without both parents . I think you've been extremely understanding by even staying with him after this happened.
Of course he should tell them about you , it amazes me how selfish men actually are !
You need to sit down and ask him how serious he is about you . Tell you are part of his life and not a dirty secret .
It's now up to you wether you are going to accept his answer if he still wants to keep you separate.
I would personally walk away if he doesn't change things .
Also as unacceptable as staying over an exes house is , I'm assuming she's single because if she wasn't she wouldn't let him stay .

@Mintjulia I'm hoping it is the 2nd option, in fairness I don't think he has a massive amount of communication with his ex gf apart from about her daughter although he might have just not told me if he has I guess.

He has introduced me to several of his friends and his work colleagues know about me. He hasn't told his brother although they aren't particularly close. His brother is also in regular contact with his ex gf so that may be the other reason he has not been told.

I've tried to be really level headed with it all but he has met most of my family and friends so to be hidden from huge parts of his life I just can't get my head round

he will get back with his ex 100%. Cut your ties now.

@MiddleEasternMummy
That was what I said, if he was single it os a different story. You are right she is single and has been since they split up.
I have tried several times to bring it up and discuss it but as soon as I ask anything he blows up about it and then it gets turned round into me being accused of being jealous of the daughter. Which is so frustrating as it's not actually her that is the issue.
I think I will try and have another conversation with him but I think you are right depending on the answer. I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret tbh. And not sure how it would work 5 yrs down the line of he did eventually tell them and then trying to explain that he has been with me for that long and just not told them 🤔

I wouldn’t say I think he is ashamed of you, but I don’t think he is taking the relationship with you seriously. Nobody keeps a secret of somebody they are serious about. Cut your losses. He would go back to the ex if he had the chance.

Tell him you won't be a secret ow...
Time to be prepared to Ltb op.

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

Tell him you won't be a secret ow... Time to be prepared to Ltb op.

Totally agree with this . Be ready ! If he doesn't change the situation and realise how unacceptable his behaviour is you need to reclaim your self respect and tell yourself over and over you deserve more xx

He’s hoping to get back with his ex

I wouldn't accept this. It's one thing to maintain a relationship with his stepchild, but to keep your relationship a secret from her and his ex would ring alarm bells for me. Theres either something untoward going on with the ex or he simply isn't taking your relationship seriously which is worrying in itself when you have your own kids involved.

Either way he isn't treating you like a priority or showing any care or consideration for your feelings. I wouldn't put up with any more silent treatment or excuses. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it. This is completely unfair on you.

There is an old phrase "when someone tells you who they are, listen". He is tellingyou who is he, he's someone whose best interests are served by you remaining a secret. I'd cut my losses. As his current partner, it should have been you that he spent Christmas with and he chose not to.