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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend doesn’t have to bring her boyfriend

31 replies

Anonmummyoftwo · 06/09/2021 23:29

Friend has been seeing this lad for around 7 months now and she insists on bringing him to everything it’s getting boring now. We met for lunch last week and she brought him when I thought it was just us to if she pops round he’s their basically the past 8 weeks she drags the man every where and don’t get me wrong he’s a nice lad but I think even he’s bored of having to make small talk to her friends. I had a snoop on his socials and he dose have his own mates and before the last few weeks seemed to have a good social life out to watch football with his own friends etc but the last few pictures she’s always out along with them. She popped round tonight and my partner was chatting to him and they went out to the garden to have a beer while we chatted snd every five minutes she was going out to say hi or check up on him. My partner said after they left that he invited her boyfriend out next week for a few beers to watch a local match and the poor lad said he’d love to but could he try arrange for me snd my friend to have plans that same day that didn’t include being with them. Iv said il ask her to come out for lunch or to get our nails done. My partner said it seems like as much as the man likes my friend she’s to clingy and thinks I should try talk to her about it considering they plan to move in together after Christmas.
Should I have a chat and tell her she’s a bit over bearing or keep my nose out of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonmummyoftwo · 06/09/2021 23:31

My grammar is absolutely awful on this post to phone keeps auto correcting with the wrong words

OP posts:

Iamthewombat · 06/09/2021 23:39

He needs to grow a pair, I’d say!

Waterfallgirl · 06/09/2021 23:48

Poor bloke. She sounds controlling, I hope he gets away from her soon.
( I know she’s your friend - I’m sorry to be rude)

Darbysmama · 06/09/2021 23:56

Stay out of it! No good will come of it. She’ll get offended for you butting in. If you try to explain how he’s feeling, she’ll just get mad at him for not talking to her directly and talking about her behind her back. It’s just a crappy situation and you should stay far, far from it. If their relationship has any hope of succeeding, they need to be able to communicate with each other. Not through you! It’s a recipe for drama.

Sometimes couples do get carried away in new relationships and have a “honeymoon phase” where they are stuck to each other like glue. I hope that’s where her behavior is coming from. But it also sounds pretty controlling and rather toxic. Has she behaved like this before in relationships? What do you even talk about when you’re with each other nonstop? You can’t even ask how their day was because you were there the entire time!

Kite22 · 07/09/2021 00:02

I'd stay well out of criticising her actions in terms of how much time her and her new boyfriend spend together but I would certainly make it clear next time you wanted to meet up that you mean for a lunch or shopping or a walk or whatever for the 2 of you and that it isn't an invitation for him.

Magicgal11 · 07/09/2021 00:23

I have a friend who was like that. I never see her now and theyre married. Each to their own but i regret nit saying something

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/09/2021 02:44

"My partner said it seems like as much as the man likes my friend she’s to clingy and thinks I should try talk to her about it considering they plan to move in together after Christmas."

Her boyfriend should stand up for himself a bit more - and so should you, stand up for yourself!

When you make plans with her, be blunt that you expect only her and not her boyfriend tagging along. Be blunt. Very blunt.

And her boyfriend should be telling her that no, he doesn't want to be paraded again and he is going to be doing his own thing whilst she meets her friends. If he really can't manage that then he shouldn't be moving in with her.

"Should I have a chat and tell her she’s a bit over bearing or keep my nose out of it."
You should have a chat about her bringing him along when you expect only her. You shouldn't divulge that her boyfriend isn't happy about it either.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 07/09/2021 04:02

YANBU. Poor man. You should 100 % say something if you feel you can, just as you should if you see a man you know abusing a woman. Because this is abusive. It's so unfair to say that he shouldn't let her do this. Because he shouldn't have to, and men can find themselves in relationships like this too. There are millions of women who stay in controlling relationships, and they don't find it easy to just leave the relationship. She's being controlling and whatever he is staying for (low self confidence, really liking/loving her and just wanting to make it work, having been abused before so is used to it, doesn't dare tell her to stop it, feels hes put too much in to just walk away) isn't really that important because she shouldn't be treating him like this and it is good that even as her friend you can see this, and more people should say something when they see this sort of abuse happening to anyone. It might be helpful for your DP to talk to him too and see if he is ok with this, becuase you do need to be careful how you talk to your friend if you do because you don't want her to become worse so more of a "Why do you keep making him come? It's not really fair on him." and if she makes it into a joke make it clear you don't think its right and if shes having any problems herself she can tall to you, but making her DP go everywhere with her and not letting him see friends isn't something she should be doing to him.

Seasidemumma77 · 07/09/2021 04:34

@EnidNotBlyton has made many of the points I was going to raise, mainly that this relationship is either unhealthy or becoming(possibly already) abusive. I would normally say not to get involved but you and your dh are both concerned, it's obviously a good friend of yours and her bf has reached out to your dh.I would encourage her to meet with you alone (get your nails done together) and get your dh to take the bf out. Use the time to talk with your friend about this relatively new relationship and any concerns she has about relationship, you may find she believes she has a valid reason to behave in such a possessive and domineering manner. Hopefully your dh can offer the bf a space where he can talk through his issues and guide him to possible solutions, while being very clear that the bf needs to address the problem himself rather than getting others to speak on his behalf (obviously if it becomes clear that situation is more than just gf being clingy and actually abusive, then addressing her directly would not be my advice).

Seasidemumma77 · 07/09/2021 04:36

Apologies @LifesNotEnidBlyton for getting your user name wrong

PluggingAway · 07/09/2021 04:45

It sounds as if you are totally right about her clinginess, but I don't think it's your place to speak to her about it.

If you wanted to mention that you miss one on one time with your friend then that is totally fine, but I wouldn't take your partner's advice and speak to her about being "over bearing". You aren't part of their relationship so it isn't your business. If her boyfriend has a problem with her then it is up to him to speak to her about it.

You have my sympathy. My closest friend became like this a few years ago (in my situation it was him that was the clingy one, not her) and it was so frustrating. I couldn't have stuck my nose in even if I wanted to because I wouldn't have ever had 5 mins alone with her to say anything! Eventually the relationship ran it's course and she ditched him.

UnsuitableHat · 07/09/2021 05:21

This would drive me mad but I guess you won’t get anywhere by criticising her clinginess or whatever. Sounds like the bloke is getting a bit tired of it himself. You could try to insist that some of the social meet ups are just the two of you- see how that goes!

Shoxfordian · 07/09/2021 06:32

Ask her to meet just the two of you without the guys and see what she says. He needs to stand up for himself here; he probably will but for now he’s going along with her. Has she been like this with other relationships?

xksismybestletter · 07/09/2021 06:35

Is it abusive? Or is he being a wet blanket and she is a bit over the top?

Monty27 · 07/09/2021 06:42

I have a few girlfriends that do it and I'm single 🙄
However I love their partners I do feel a bit like a gooseberry at times. Sigh.
It's probably ok to specify girls only but I don't until they do. When their other half is busy I'll be invited round
I love it . You have to accept it to a certain degree 🙂

Monty27 · 07/09/2021 06:45

They all often come round to mine and I run around like a blue arsed fly until me and the other women get on the wine and the guys tidy up 🤣

ILikeYourHair · 07/09/2021 07:06

I do think that is a bit much.
But I have to laugh at the irony, half of your post is my partner, my partner, my partner did/said.....

Auroreforet · 07/09/2021 07:15

@ILikeYourHair

I do think that is a bit much. But I have to laugh at the irony, half of your post is my partner, my partner, my partner did/said.....

It really is.

Original poster

Anonmummyoftwo · 07/09/2021 07:35

Thanks everyone I’m going to text her soon and invite her out for a girls day but make it clear it’s a invitation for her not both. I don’t think I could be around my dp that much during lockdown he was furlough were as iv always wfh and I was about ready to murder him definitely put a strain on the relationship.
She’s always been a bit overbearing with her relationships but never that bad but. He seems very quiet and shy possibly he’s to shy to say no to her, I think if I can get her away for a few hours il try say something about trying to arrange more things just us or other friends aswell and try drop hints.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anonmummyoftwo · 07/09/2021 07:36

@ILikeYourHair

I do think that is a bit much. But I have to laugh at the irony, half of your post is my partner, my partner, my partner did/said.....

I realised that myself lol

OP posts:

Fluffypastelslippers · 07/09/2021 07:38

@Waterfallgirl

Poor bloke. She sounds controlling, I hope he gets away from her soon. ( I know she’s your friend - I’m sorry to be rude)

It's actually a red flag for the opposite. I would be concerned he was controlling.

Monty27 · 07/09/2021 07:44

OP could you give him a few Bob to go to the cinema?
Or do you want him there really

thepeopleversuswork · 07/09/2021 07:45

I'll give it six months. If he's got any backbone he'll get pissed off with it and leave.

I don't think you can tell her how to conduct her relationship. That will drive her away.

But you can say you want to see her alone and without her DP and hold the line on that.

MyBadHabitsLeadToYou · 07/09/2021 07:51

I used to do this shit when I was in my 20s and an idiot.

It’s safe to say I outgrew it.

overnightangel · 07/09/2021 07:53

Have you actually read the thread? 🤦🏻‍♀️

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