How to be a happy stay at home mum

[Motherofking]

For those that enjoy being a stay at home mum and wife how do you find yourself enjoying it . Im finding to so boring and tiring and I don't like it . Tips on what makes it bearable so I can be happier

It’s tedious & mind-numbing. I didn’t find anything to make it bearable other than returning to work & re-finding my sanity.

Find other mum friends who don’t work or work part time.
Have something planned for every day. I used to go out every morning. Library, swimming class, playgroup, friends house, farm etc
Annual membership to something like a farm was a lifesaver (animals, plus indoor and outdoor play).
Want to do it. Remind yourself these years go past so fast.
Be on an equal footing wise with your husband re money. Eg. Not having to ask permission to buy things for yourself or your child. This is really important, neither side wants to feel resentment over money.
Seperate chores. We have a cleaner as my job is parenting. My husband and I take it in turns either cooking or doing bedtime.

@forinborin

I always think minimum wage is about £9 and childcare about £3.50-£4 per hour at a childminder £7.50 ph is the cheapest here (for full time), from £8 for wraparound.

Same here, and a shortage of cm. nursery + wrap around, even more expensive. Then commute/petrol/work clothes. Obviously, could get a waitressing job, but if you are off on maternity leave you still have a contract with your employer, so if you want to go back to that job they are unlikely to hold it whilst you moonlight elsewhere!

We did lots of play parks- different one every day+ a walk there/back - the something messy in the garden or in the bath in winter 💪
Lots of ‘cleaning together’
Five minute mum is useful for toddler ideas- baby’s we went to free groups (churches/local village hall/sure start centre). Walking into town at the same time as bin men. So many many walks😩
It wasn’t fun, but I do think my toddler benefited, so it can be satisfying!

@Darkchocolateandcoffee

Get a job is my advice. I hated being a SAHM, so bad for the brain and self-confidence.

Yep. For me this is true.

Would you actually be happier in the coming winter if you had to be dropping off your child at some day centre at 8am in the dark?

Jesus fucking Christ. You can feel the venom dripping from this.

I took it as mumming rather than anything about the home. DH works full time and does the majority of house work and cooking. I spend my time engaging with toddler, playing, going on days out/toddler classes and playdates.

I also spend a fair amount of time reading about how to parent well. I used to be a teacher so development/learning is of interest to me.

As my toddler is almost a pre-schooler now, I'm starting to take more time for myself and intend on taking time for my own personal exercise like swimming and socialising without having to run after DS.

@ragamuffins3

As a pp said, read up about child development theory / attachment phases etc, so that you understand what you are actually doing! This is your job for now, so value it.

Also, get out and about every day. Socialise with other mums in the same situation. Recognise that this time passes quickly and you will never get it back. Stop thinking about what you might be missing out on and focus on what you (and your baby) are gaining. For now, you have freedom and your day is whatever you want to make it. Many women can’t afford to SAH, so also think about that. Would you actually be happier in the coming winter if you had to be dropping off your child at some day centre at 8am in the dark? I think probably not.

Jesus Christ, that last bit. 😳

This is becoming a bit 'mommy wars'. F$## what anyone else thinks. Its an emotional dead end and there's no place for that. Mums come from all classes, all abilities. OP, think about YOU and your own upbringing. Did your mum work when you were your sons age?? What is considered 'right' for you? F$$$ what anyone else thinks. Seriously. Think about what your toddler is like. Is he/she shy or outgoing? If he or she is always wanting to go out then maybe childminder or nursery would be ideal for him or her while you get some flexible or part-time work, depending on what your previous work experience was? Check out indeed flex or some temping agencies perhaps?

Please take this from me. I lost two children then I got 2 living children. Bloody lucky, felt so guilty, went into full self sacrifice mode. Then I got blood cancer and almost died 3 years ago when they were both very young. I had run myself ragged for 5 years while my husband focused on his job and I did all the mundane stuff. Made myself ill trying to keep my kids happy. After all the cr#p my illness put me through I came out the other side realising just how much my own happiness mattered. I was a SAHM with a child at school and a 2 year old. And guess what I did...I put the 2 year old in childminders for the morning. He loved it, they took him all sorts of places and sent me pictures. And I was happier and a lot less ill from sheer stress and frustration! If you like working then go back to work..if you don't have the energy right now then put him in childminders just for the social interaction and letting off steam, so you can just have a few hours to yourself!

You have to do stuff for yourself, whether that's a creative hobby or learning something new or just buggering off at the weekend and mooching around town on your own.

I agree with most of what's been said I would also add that I found going out to a town a bit further away to a park and a lovely coffee shop gave me such a boost. The 45min drive was just such a fantastic break, both of mine turned out to have ADHD and ASD so very hyperactive. Having them both strapped in to their seats for an hour and a half was a complete joy! We played I spy when they were older or chatted about the animals and other things we spotted on the journey. So stimulating for them and relaxing for me, and well worth getting them ready for the 3 hours plus it took, win win!!

I was an unwilling sahm to begin with as I had postpartum psychosis which led to a massive breakdown. What helped me was structure and getting out as much as possible. I did at least one class or activity every day, made friends and had playdates. Make time for yourself as well. I studied for a second degree and started voluntary work when my 1st was still small. Mostly committee stuff to start with but by the time I was pregnant with my 2nd I volunteered in a charity shop (and continued until dc2 outgrew her baby carrier).

I'm still studying, probably for a 3rd degree and now do 3 different types of voluntary work. I've also learnt to knit and am taking Russian lessons so that I can read the books I inherited from my grandfather. I've also had a lot of therapy.

You wouldn't get a childminder here for £4 an hour. It's definitely more like double. Wrap around care is £25 a day, more if you want to drop them off early.

It's so personal. I found a way to make peace with my circumstances and in my case, it's not being a sahm that destroyed my confidence but the realisation that my mental health was so fragile. If you can't make peace with yours, go back to work.

Thank you all for your messages I read them all . I will definitely start by planning my day and having more of a structure with activities to do throughout

You could volunteer for something that uses your brain too. I’m a school governor, it’s all done in the evenings.

I love being a sahm but I'm more of a housewife now as kids are at school. I never enjoyed working before I had children, so I was very happy when I was made redundant. My husband likes it because he has an easy job that pays well, doesn't have to think about or do anything t home, shopping, dealing with the kids, cooking etc.
If I go back to work he would have to use annual leave etc to help with sick days, inset days, snow days, school holidays etc which he doesn't want to do. So it suits us both.
It can be isolating and you do need to be the type of person who enjoys their own company. Most days I only speak to my friends at the school gate twice a day. That little natter is enough for me. The rest of my time is spent running errands, cleaning the house, seeing relatives, watching TV.

Play - like literally turn everything into a game that you do with the kids, cooking, cleaning, tidying up, kids of any age can get involved in some way even if it takes a bit longer.

Have a hobby around the house- gardening, knitting, whatever takes your fancy, bonus points if your kids can get involved. Nothing tires them out more than fresh air and digging in the dirt

Get a dog- walks, training, again with the kids, great for getting them knackered.

Basically keep the little ones outdoors and moving for as much of the day as possible, they will learn things, have fun and there are less things to tell them no about so fewer tantrums, and the fresh air means at lunch / snack time they will sit quietly with their food and a colouring book so you can have a decent coffee break

Honestly I love being a SAHM, thinking of activities amd games, splashing in puddles with them, getting the admin done in between, its all brilliant

For me it was getting out in the morning for play group/park/friends house/the usual stuff!
Back for lunch
Nap time
Housework and pottering
Walk.
Dinner
Bed.

Great ideas here - having something planned every day (preferably with a friend). Gyms are good too, council gyms often have a creche too. \

I only ever watched daytime TV when I had a non-aware child.

I did a lot of voluntary work: I ended up heading a charity serving about 100 families, running playgroups, baby groups etc. I ran some of them myself and organised the volunteers for the rest, plus organised huge parties through the year (150+) people. It was great fun and meant my kids saw me being busy, “working” with friends to help others, being involved in running events etc, but still available for them and not having to put them in child care. I’m a real extrovert so time at home alone with my DC would have been really hard.

I have a 14 month old. We're out twice a day. It breaks up the day, keeps DS happy and the fresh air and exercise does us both good.
3 days a week I have nothing specific planned so mornings are usually a trip to the park, late afternoons are a long walk along a main road (he loves looking at buses and dogs and people). Two days a week we have playgroup. I will also try to organise playdates but we haven't been able to meet many people due to covid.