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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends with children

25 replies

Onlinedilema · 06/09/2021 12:43

Hi
I’m prepared to be told I’m totally unreasonable.
In a nutshell I’m annoyed with a very good, long standing friend. We have been good friends for years. Helped each through thick and thin. Had many many good times together.
Issue is this : I work full time sometimes 7 days a week. On leave now and I like to plan ahead and sort each day of leave out. I know that’s not how everybody operates but it is how I do things , maybe it’s because I’ve been a single parent, or because I work full on so my annual leave is precious but it is the way I am. I arranged to meet up and have a day out with my friend, she works part time over less days if that matters but she has younger children. Her older children are the same age as mine or there abouts.
We planned the day for when her child would be back at school and the younger one in full time day care. All good. She goes as far to say she will look into afternoon tea and a spa. Ok I wasn’t thinking anything that extreme but I’ll go with that if it’s what she wants. Then about a week ago she tells me the older one ( full time school age) will not be at school. No problem I say what about another day. She doesnt want to do another day as she will have the younger one with her as well. Ok then I say should we do something to include the older one, nothing major don’t go far maybe a cafe or walk but centred around her child.
Fabulous she says looking forward to it.
Last night I rang her left a message checking she was still on for today and what time should we meet etc. She gets back to me saying sorry she had made plans to do an activity with her child and will see me another time!
Now I know it’s not major in the great scheme of things I am fully aware of that but I am disappointed. I could have booked a sports class but not now, of course it’s full. Most of my friends are working or have plans so that’s it.
I don’t think she us trying to lose the friendship as she is always asking to meet up. Her dh and my dh get along well and she is usually the one instigating meet ups because we fit around her family.
We have also recently booked to go away with them, at her request and paid a deposit.
I’m slightly concerned that she might pull out of that and it’s an expensive trip which we would not have booked to go on alone.
The last catch up we were due to have she doubled booked and went with the couple who had young children over dh and I.
I’ve had children. I know people double book but what do wise munsnetters think.
Am I just being silly.
I really don’t think she is trying to ghost me.
Another friend has ghosted me, and other friends and my dd mentioned her yesterday and I’ve been thinking about her too.
I’m also withdrawing myself from my anti anxiety pills and wonder if this is making issues appear much bigger than they really are.
In fact I don’t know why but I’m sat here crying.
God what is wrong with me?
Maybe I’m going crazy and it’s all in my head.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
HumdrumGuga · 06/09/2021 12:47

She's very, very rude.

I wouldn't bother with her. I would also just not bother with the holiday - how much money would you lose with the deposit?

People seem very flakey now. Sometimes there seems to be underlying reasons, sometimes just rude/uncaring.

DocAutumn · 06/09/2021 12:52

I don't know why she cancelled. Only she knows what is going on but it is probably nothing to do with you. She wanted to meet you. She suggested things to do. Maybe the children being there and trying to socialise at the same time is too much for her. I can never relax when meeting someone who doesn't have DC with them and I have my DC with me. I need to watch what they are up to or chaos will follow and when I'm deep in a good chat I'm not looking after them properly. She may feel anxious herself. It could be anything. It should not stop you enjoying yourself on your day off. Have a lovely day to yourself. Do something nice. Catch up with your friend another time.

Ghostsintheshelf · 06/09/2021 12:54

You've been good friends for ages and (as far as I could see) she doesn't make a habit of binning you off last minute. It is pretty rude, but if you generally get on, I'd let it go. Sounds like she has more free time than you so doesn't realise it's a big deal to you to spend your free days doing stuff.

MouseInCatsClaws · 06/09/2021 13:00

She sounds extremely self centred and thoughtless, at best, so I wouldn't make a huge effort with her, to be honest. From your post I would say this is not about you, but it certainly is a hurtful way to be treated so don't give yourself a hard time about being upset. Maybe use the day to take some time to rest and recharge your batteries. Your life sounds like there isn't much time just to chill, so maybe it will do you some good (although I am a lazy sort and love having nothing to do, might not suit everyone). In short, be nice to yourself.

MrsGilly1 · 06/09/2021 13:01

Hi,

It could have been that her child was off school and that having a date of meeting up with you, she would have felt wasn't in best interests of child and you so is rearranging another day to spend just the day with you and to offload without men and kids around.

I would have just replied saying 'OK have a lovely day with (child name) let me know when you next free and we can get that spa day and afternoon tea booked!'

Anxiety can make things seem bigger than they are and I am sure she would be horrified to know you think she may be ghosting- I don't think she is she just probably wants to spend day with child before they go back to school X

EL8888 · 06/09/2021 13:07

She’s rude. I would be making very little effort from here on in

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/09/2021 13:14

I dont have anxiety but I'd be mad at this. When was she going to tell you? Absolutely fine if she changed her mind, or her kid didnt want to go, or she didnt fancy combining childcare with seeing you, but the time to tell yoy was when she was making that decision or booking something else, not when you asked her about it.

I think you need to say something without falling out if you still want her friendship. Along the lines of 'ok, I wish you'd let me know earlier though as it's a bit late in the day now for me to make other plans, everything is booking up early these days. Have a nice time and hopefully see you soon'

Shamoo · 06/09/2021 13:17

I disagree with @MrsGilly1, I would think that that was a possible explanation if you hadn’t already discussed that the child was off school and come up with a plan. To cancel on you the day before, and only because you messaged her, is unacceptable in any situation other than an emergency (or where both people are as easily flippant with things like that).

I don’t think it needs to be friendship ending, and I don’t think for a moment it means she’s ghosting you, just that she thinks she can mess you about because you don’t have young kids. I do think you should stand up for yourself and say something like “That’s really disappointing, as we had discussed that X was off school and come up with a plan, so I thought we were meeting. It would have been helpful if you had given me more notice so I could have made alternative plans, it’s too late to do anything much with my day off now.”

Factual and fair. If she responds badly she’s a dick.

GCAcademic · 06/09/2021 13:18

I think that's really rude of her. Certainly do not commit to anything else with this friend that involves spending money in advance.

forgottonworkloaddays · 06/09/2021 13:22

I have a friend exactly like this, she doesn't mean any maliciousness it's just she just does what she wants to do.

Like your friend my friend doesn't work full time and doesn't find her annual leave to be precious so will often arrange to do something with me and then change her mind last minute. She will literally not tell me I have to contact her sometimes the day before or day of and there no 'oh sorry' it's just a case of ' oh I'm off to see bla bla , let's rearrange'.

It's really annoying but don't take it personally she's just one of those people who put herself first

Jerseygirl12 · 06/09/2021 13:26

I would be upset too and also annoyed. Her original spa/afternoon tea suggestion sounds a bit OTT. I often find flaky friends make an OTT suggestion and I think why so they do this when they often can’t do the basics with friends such as meet for a coffee without cancelling.
Is there anything you could do to salvage the day such as watch a good movie it go for a nice walk?

Booknooks · 06/09/2021 13:27

If she doesn't usually do this, is she okay? Not excusing her, and I'd be annoyed also that she couldn't even be arsed to text at least when the plans had already changed (and you've been really flexible); but if it's unusual perhaps somethings going on. If she does it often however, I'd find friends that respect your time more.

Onlinedilema · 06/09/2021 13:27

Thanks for all the replies. Some good points raised.

OP posts:
Jerseygirl12 · 06/09/2021 13:28

I disagree with MrsGilly1

1AngelicFruitCake · 06/09/2021 13:30

@MrsGilly1

Hi,

It could have been that her child was off school and that having a date of meeting up with you, she would have felt wasn't in best interests of child and you so is rearranging another day to spend just the day with you and to offload without men and kids around.

I would have just replied saying 'OK have a lovely day with (child name) let me know when you next free and we can get that spa day and afternoon tea booked!'

Anxiety can make things seem bigger than they are and I am sure she would be horrified to know you think she may be ghosting- I don't think she is she just probably wants to spend day with child before they go back to school X

I disagree. She knew you had the day free. She didn’t even let you know! Child school age so why can’t she meet in a park so can still see you or cafe as you suggested? I’d wonder if she’s meeting up with another parent.
3scape · 06/09/2021 13:32

I'd withdraw from making exclusive plans with someone that rude and unreliable.

Sittingonabench · 06/09/2021 13:33

She seems like a stresser in your life which is not great. I also wouldn’t be too happy at consistently coming second when double booked - occasionally sure but not a pattern. I agree with pp, don’t think about whether she wants the friendship ask yourself based on her behaviour, do you want it to continue? If yes then you are going to have to accept this behaviour and find a way so it doesn’t hurt you so much. I don’t think I’d want it to continue in the same vain at least.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/09/2021 13:43

I think the worst bit was that she didn’t even tell you until you contacted her. You’re not a mind reader, and it begs the question when was she going to tell you?

I might let her know that you’re disappointed that she didn’t tell you she’d made other plans, and that you can’t do anything with your day off now.

Can you reframe it as a days rest that you’ve now gained?

Bonniegirlie · 06/09/2021 13:43

She's bloody rude. Ask her why she didn't bother to let you know she had double booked herself. Who needs friends like that, life is too short

IntermittentParps · 06/09/2021 14:03

It could have been that her child was off school and that having a date of meeting up with you, she would have felt wasn't in best interests of child and you so is rearranging another day to spend just the day with you and to offload without men and kids around.
If she'd called and explained that, and apologised, it might be OK (it'd still be flaky, but not so bad). But she lets the OP call her the day before and only then tells her?
Really rude and disrespectful.
I'd be v careful about this holiday.

Onlinedilema · 06/09/2021 14:19

I think I’m going to concentrate on seeing her as a couple with dh, then if she cancels/double books it won’t be as bad. I can still go out with dh or we can stay in and chill. I won’t be so disappointed. I’ve done a bit of housework 😵‍💫and gardening. Not exactly as thrilling but I couldn’t arrange anything else at short notice.
I’ll let her contact me and I’m not committing to seeing her alone on my days off at least in the short term.
Thanks for everyone’s opinion.

OP posts:
zingally · 06/09/2021 14:27

I see as three possible things:

1: She genuinely forgot about your plans - it happens, I've done it!
2: When things changed around which children would be there, she assumed that because the spa/cream tea were off the table, any more casual plans were loosey-goosey and not set in stone.
3: You are not a priority to her.

Regarding number 3, people say that like it's a really bad, horrible thing. But the fact is, it's true. I've got plenty of friends I love hanging out with, but in all honesty, only 2 of them are the ones I'd take a bullet for. The rest are lovely people, but if plans fall through, or don't QUITE get set in stone for months on end... I'm not losing sleep over it.

You say your friend has been a good friend to you for many, many years. If she's a bit flaky sometimes, so what? Surely you knew that about her before this particular occasion? I wouldn't let one break-down in communication wipe out years of close friendship. Let it go.

notanothertakeaway · 06/09/2021 14:37

@forgottonworkloaddays

I have a friend exactly like this, she doesn't mean any maliciousness it's just she just does what she wants to do.

Like your friend my friend doesn't work full time and doesn't find her annual leave to be precious so will often arrange to do something with me and then change her mind last minute. She will literally not tell me I have to contact her sometimes the day before or day of and there no 'oh sorry' it's just a case of ' oh I'm off to see bla bla , let's rearrange'.

It's really annoying but don't take it personally she's just one of those people who put herself first

If you don't mind arrangements being casual / often cancelled, that's fine

But if you don't like it, please don't let her mess you around. Friends of mine know someone like that. My friends tell me they enjoy seeing her when it comes off, but none of them would ever arrange to see her on their own, because they know she's unreliable and likely to cancel

FinallyHere · 06/09/2021 15:06

Good call to only make plans when there are other people involved, so that if she changes her mind, the event can still go ahead.

Maybe it will change when you DC are older and she has more headspace.

Maybe not.

Dragon50 · 06/09/2021 15:19

She’s rude.

I have a toddler and work. I still respect my friends time, especially on AL I would have kept my arrangement with you OR if things absolutely had to change I’d tell you at the point of changing to see if we can fit both.

We generally all have diaries in our phones to manage this.

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