Sorry, this is a long one! I’ll try and keep it brief. It’s my first post too. I’ve seen some really helpful advice on here so, thought I would see if it helps this situation.
Basically, I’m getting married soon to my lovely DP and my s was meant to be maid of honor and my niece a flower girl. I don’t want my S there due to the issues below and my F is forcing it a lot as he can usually make me let my sister walk all over me (which is my fault too).
I also don’t really want my F there. I just don’t know if I am doing the right thing by telling them not to come? What would I say to family? How could I tell them?
Short(ish) story:
My S is a narcissist. My F enabled her as he felt guilty for our abusive upbringing and she milks it as much as she can. He goes back time and time again no matter what and lives with her now. She treats everyone like a piece of shit to be blunt and my F lets her get away with it. He brought me up to ignore it, let her do what she wants. My F did not help. He always put me down and my S did as well, she enjoyed it a lot. My F later admitted it was because he didn’t want me to have a boyfriend and thought having no confidence would do that. He was surprised my confidence was still low later on in life. He does try now and is better than he was, but always puts my S first and isn’t really interested in me, my DS or my life. The latest outburst from my S was a month ago and it was pretty bad. I thought my F was finally going to leave and he didn’t. ‘She needs him too much’ and she will get help. I offered him a place to stay and was going to get him a really nice apartment across the road. My S has since started seeing a counsellor but says it’s only stress doing this all and my F continues the same old pattern – she explodes, calms down but does not apologies or get help (usually), and he continues it too. She did see a counsellor in the past and they said she had narcissistic personally disorder apparently. She then stopped seeing them.
I have always allowed my sister to get away with everything from hitting to name calling. I want that to stop now. I want to set a good example for my DS.
I am sick of the way my S treats everyone and how my F downplays it. I have not spoken to her since her outburst and she keeps texting to usually guilt trip me. The anger will come next along with name calling. I have and will not replied.
My F has went back to his usual ‘you s is doing so well’. I said I was still upset the pattern of abuse was still happening. He told me she needs to be my maid of honour and has said the following - ‘his life will be hell of I don’t’, ‘what??, she won’t be at the wedding??. No, I can’t have that’ and then ‘ all the family will be there and we need to be united’
He does not care it is my day. I also tried to tell him about my DS going to nursery and I was excited but he cut my off and told me my niece has been going for months. It really made no sense how little he cared. I tried to tell him that I am talking about my DS but he cut me off again and started speaking about DN. This has made me not even want me F there. A part of me feels that he has made his bed and it shouldn’t mean I should be abused again and again.
Long story
So, I have always had a difficult relationship with my ‘D’S and ‘D’F. My M died when I was 11/S was 15. She was an abusive alcoholic. My F was also a drinker. I remember always taking myself to school, the house was disgusting, my M would be out drunk and my F would be in the house usually staggering around. One time I remember him trying to cook but having to take the frying pan from him as I was worried he’d burn the house down. I mainly had those tins of beans and cocktail sausages for dinner (I loved them though, but not a regular meal). I also had head lice for months and months. My dad would not treat it until the head teacher wanted to report him to SS. I was so humiliated by it at the time and I was only about 10 or 11. I have copy of a police report from when my mother was arrested drunk in the street with myself and my S (I was 9). I remember the police officer buying me chocolate from the vending machine and I was so happy with a little treat. My final memory of my M is when she was in rehab. I got the bus from primary school and was so excited to see her, I thought she was doing so well! She seemed different this day however and she rushed out when I came. I followed her to the shops. She ran straight in and got a bottle of vodka. I begged her not to buy it. She did it anyway and tried to stuff it down my top to hide from the staff in her building. I ran away screaming. I later went back to the building she was in and stayed down stairs. She asked me to come up and I refused, I knew then she had made her choice. I could have told someone and I didn’t. She collapsed, ambulance took her to hospital, she went into a coma and then died a few weeks later.
I have now completely forgiven my M. I know she had a hard life and she struggled with the memories. I could see the shame she had looking at me and everything she did piling up on her. I know she drank so she didn’t have to face it. I understand and it’s okay.
My life after my M died only got worse and worse. I felt that if I couldn’t even be loved by my M, no one could ever love me. My F did quit drinking but never re-assured me or made me feel loved. My S was so damaged by all the abuse from my mother that she struggled to live a normal life. She was slowly turning into my M. She was jealous when I had any friends, put me down constantly, easily turn to anger and lash out time and time again. She grew up being able to get away with it all as my F just wanted to keep the peace no matter what. She also guilt tripped him constantly. They were close in my teenage years and always made sure it was then against me.
The cycle is – something small happens that would not bother anyone else, S flips and usually turns violent (the tantrums would last for days!) and then it would quieten down. She never has apologized once to me for anything she did and my F would tell me over and over to forget it. Something else would happen a few weeks later and the cycle continues!
A few examples – She would make me leave college and then go to her work and wait for sometimes hours until she finished before I could go home with her even though college was 20 mins bus ride from home max. Once I was late and my dad was taken into hospital (I didn’t know this of course so followed the usual routine of going to her work). She stormed out of the office and shoved me as hard as she could in front of her co-workers. They stared in shock. She shoved me over once at the cinema and spilled my popcorn for absolutely no reason, I said and did nothing.
She would get turned down for something in life and it would lead to days of screaming, rolling on the floor, smashing things and hitting. If I ever retaliating (which I did as I was only around 14/15 and she was almost 20 when it was at my worst), I was the one to blame.
She would always randomly slap me and run away.
My F and S always said something was wrong with me. If I hummed a song, they would look in disgust and said I couldn’t sing, told me I smelled, I looked like a tramp, my spots were terrible, how ugly I was. My confidence was so low. My F later admitted he did it so I wouldn’t get a boyfriend. It was so nasty. I took me years to realize I wasn’t some hideous creature.
I started acting out. All the negativity made me give up trying. I was tired of being beaten down every day. They made me go to counselling and told the GP ‘ something is wrong with her’. I watched my sister act erratically every day and would hide from her instead of giving in and fighting back like I wanted too. When counselling did help, they made me stop. I said it was making me happy so my dad stopped it. He always did that when I found something made me happy.
I have helped my sister a lot with money over the years as well. Lots of which I didn’t get back. She would call crying and begging and then once she had it, back to normal and would never mention it again or say thanks.
She is also convinced she always has cancer. She has done this three times now. She says she has a lump (never lets you see it), screams she is going to die and your not welcome to come to her funeral, hit, cry and then say it was because of me, my f or her DP the latest time and said he was trying to kill her as he didn’t have private health care. I paid for an appointment and when it came back all clear, she acted normally again. No sorry or thank you.
I love my DN and it also enrages me that my F and my BIL are allowing this to happen in front of DN. It is a separate issue I know. I am happy see is at school so a closer eye can be kept on her. If anything else happens, I am going to SS.
My F has went back to his usual ‘you s is doing so well’. I said I was still upset the pattern of abuse was still happening. He told me she needs to be my maid of honour and has said the following - ‘his life will be hell of I don’t’, ‘what??, she won’t be at the wedding??. No, I can’t have that’ and then ‘ all the family will be there and we need to be united’
He does not care it is my day. I also tried to tell him about my DS going to nursery and I was excited but he cut my off and told me my niece has been going for months. It really made no sense how little he cared. I tried to tell him that I am talking about my DS but he cut me off again and started speaking about DN. This has made me not even want me F there. A part of me feels that he has made his bed and it shouldn’t mean I should be abused again and again.
So AIBU – they are family and should be at the wedding
AINBU- family is not a pass for treating people like this and she needs to learn actions have consequences.
Thank you for reading this far!