to not know how to help my DD manage toxic 'friendships'

[incidentalaccident]

Hi all, My DD is going back to school today, yr9. She is really struggling with toxic friendships. There is one girl in particular who has a very challenging home life for which I have a great deal of sympathy but who is utterly horrible and my DD is terrified of her. But there are others too. She has buried her head in the sand all summer and is now in a total panic. I have no idea what to do - the school has helped but only up to a point. The unpleasant girl receives a lot of support and my DD feels that the teachers are on this other girl's 'side.' Our options are perhaps move class (DD says that won't help) or even move school but I am worried that these issues will follow here as toxicity seems sadly to be a persistent theme. Anyone been there and have thoughts as to what to do? Thanks so much!

Is your AIBU?
YANBU - this is not fair to DD
YABU - ignore the issue

I've been there, I had a toxic 'best friend' growing up and no matter what my parents said, I still stayed her BFF even when she was utterly horrible to me.

Speaking from my own experience, have you tried getting her into some out of school clubs? I started doing drama at the weekend and I met a whole different group of friends that my toxic friend couldn't control or influence. Really helped me see her in a new light and eventually I was able to break away.

Sorry - forgot about the voting thing - that should be ignored.

Hi FairyAnn - that's a good idea although it has been more difficult with Covid - I will have a think about what else she could do outside school.

Can you teach her the 'grey rock' technique to become less interesting to toxic people?

If they talk to her she nods, says "mmm", yawns, remembers she needs to check things in her bag, ask someone a question...basically becomes boring to the toxic person. As they like attention, they will generally chase people who they get a strong reaction from.

I had toxic friendships growing up and always struggled to deal with it.

Maybe something to teach her boundaries.

Just because someone has a difficult life does not mean that your daughter is obliged to accept and absorb unkind behaviour. Focus on how she likes the girl but not when she behaves like x or y or focus on getting DD to say what she likes. EG DD saying "I liked it when we played y and laughes about z."

And do what PPs suggest and find a new hobby and friends.

No real advice as in v similar situation, just sympathy. My DD is starting to talk about moving schools which I’m fully behind.

@FairyAnn How are you now? Has it affected you long term? How did you break away? My DD has tried and her bully always gets wind of new friends, zeros in on them and then starts a campaign to win them over to her side. I think she’d try to do the same even if DD was in a different school, via social media but at least DD wouldn’t have to see her every day.

Sorry for hijack OP!

Does your daughter know it's ok not to tolerate mean behaviour from other people? Do you model this for her as well? Maybe look at it as an opportunity to learn a life skill as she will always encounter difficult people, so rather than focus on this one girl look at how she generally relates to others. I hate the word 'toxic' though and I find it interesting that you are labelling pretty young children with this word. I tend t focus on the behaviour rather than the child as otherwise we are teaching a lesson that implies kids are either good or bad which I am not a fan of either.

@coffeeisthebest - I think I was referring more to toxic friendships that individuals and I do mean that the behaviour is toxic rather than the person necessarily, sorry I didn’t make that clear. I don’t think she is all bad, as I said, I think her home life explains a lot about her behaviour. Having said that, it is having an extremely negative impact on my DD and while I have sympathy for the other girl her behaviour makes her very hard to like. And yes, it is fairly toxic.

Thanks for the suggestions - I am encouraging her to be resilient. My worry about moving schools etc is that these problems will follow her if she does not develop the skills to manage it. Sorry @karasviper that you are experiencing what sounds like a similar situation - my DD also feels this girl is so powerful there is almost no escape.

Hi @karasviper, the OP might also be glad to hear that I'm good now, no long term effects 😁 it did show me that not everyone in your life will have your best interests at heart, and that sometimes you can care about someone but they still aren't good to be around.

Of course, when I was younger, there was barely any internet, let alone social media. However, this can be a bonus. See if you can find any online support groups for youngsters in similar situations. Your DDs might be able to find others that share their experiences and can offer support.

I am glad about that @FairyAnn I must say I had similar experiences and I have continued to really struggle with friendships as an adult. Partly my personality of course but I think that I found navigating friendships so challenging as a teenager that I sort of gave up on it all a bit. Even today I do not really enjoy being in large groups. I really would wish for my DD to see friendship as enriching.

@incidentalaccident it took a while, I won't dent that. After school I struggled with friendships at college as I was suspicious that anyone wanting to be my friend had an ulterior motive and would eventually turn on me. It was only when I went to Uni later on that I became more comfortable with myself and my value and stopped feeling so targeted. Your DD will survive and she'll likely find some great, true friends as she gets older and more confident.

Worth mentioning that a few years after I cut ties with my BFF, she contacted me asking to meet up. I was so proud of myself that day as I politely messaged back saying 'Thanks but no thanks' 😁

Thanks @FairyAnn that’s really good to read. I’m glad you are doing well now.

DD has been really distressed the last couple of days as the bully has again sabotaged a new friendship. She’s so upset and says she doesn’t want to be here any more. I’m waiting for her to wake up and then will ask her about speaking to school today (she’s not back yet). I also want to get her counselling but she’s really set against the idea.

@incidentalaccident yes that’s exactly it, everyone seems to be terrified of this girl. DD feels like nothing she tries is working and she can’t get away.

My DD had to navigate a few toxic relationships and found new friendships in after school clubs at the school and making new friends in different subject classes.

I'd suggest joining the drama club and change form group.

I changed form group when I started a new school aged 15 and life changed for the better over night and I never looked back. It made a huge difference.

My DS ignores bullies completely by just staring at them in bewilderment and walking away or carrying on talking to whom ever even if the bully tries to hit him or whatever he just glares at them. They never return but he is quite tall.

I really would contact school as your daughter seems very upset. As PP said you don't have to tolerate bad behaviour from anybody. The school needs to support this other girl with her social skills etc.

Thanks for replying. I will contact the school again - the trouble is, this other girl (let's call her X) is quite closely supported by the very same services that could help my DD. X has warned my DD off accessing those same resources as she says that is her territory and she doesn't want DD there. X has said that she will make my DD's life worse if she does and my DD believes that the teacher who runs the counselling thing is also 'best friends' with X and will not believe my DD. I have some sympathy for this view - my experience of X is that she can be utterly charming with adults, and much less so with others. So ... it's complicated as I guess these things always are. However, I will try contacting the school as the situation could hardly get worse and might just get better.

If the school is big enough there might be another "half" to the population. So if she was moved over she wouldn't have any classes at all with X.

If she did move schools she could do it quietly and deactivate her social media for a while and then when she goes back on (if at all) she can either start afresh or change her name to something that can't be tracked down.

X has warned my DD off accessing those same resources as she says that is her territory and she doesn't want DD there. X has said that she will make my DD's life worse if she does

And that is the part you need to tell school about. They can support both of them, individually. I wonder whether the one on one support is making the girl feel special and so she doesn't want anyone else accessing the same person because she may well be hoodwinking the support staff and your DD could reveal her nasty side to staff.

It is much harder to deal with bullying behaviour when it is inside your own friendship group. Luckily for Ds1 another friend called out the bully's behaviour and said why do you always target X with your nastiness? Sadly Ds had to put up with the arsehole as he was in a large group of friends and didn't want to walk away from the whole friendship group. He did just grey rock him, just stared at him, no response back.

What do you mean exactly by a toxic friendship? What is she actually doing / saying to DD? If you give some examples we might be able to come up with better suggestions?

I had a friendship years 7-9 where the girl was basically always horrible to me. Called me names, told me I was rubbish at everything, made fun of my family for being poor, that kind of thing. It all ended when our forms got mixed up in year 10, thank goodness. Although I did stage a sort of mutiny against her in year 9 - I found out she’d been doing the same to another girl in our class and we bonded over the situation and called her out on it one day. She cried and tried to make out we were bullying her but we just shrugged and said “we’ve both cried almost daily because of you over the last 3 years so you crying once is nothing!”