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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want to accompany DH and kids to the inlaws this Christmas?

30 replies

Anycrispsleft · 06/09/2021 06:02

DH wants to go and see his parents during the Christmas holiday this year. They live in a different country to us, and we haven't seen them for 3 years. We had been planning to go and visit them this Christmas, but since then:

I've got a job! Massive news for me, as I didn't think I would ever get back into my old industry, and I've landed this brilliant, family friendly, short commute job, but it's going to be really demanding to start off with, and we've yet to figure out how we're going to cover the kids' holidays.

  • MIL phoned and told us they are coming back to their home country (near to us) to visit everyone next month and they will look in on us for 3 or 4 days.

I said to DH this evening that I thought I would sit out the after Christmas visit, and get back to work instead, as I will now see the inlaws this month anyway. DH seemed miffed at this, saying "but I'll have the kids alone for the winter holidays too!" (there's a week's holiday in February).

AIBU to think he's going to have to get used to this? We have 5 weeks' holidays each a year. The kids have 14 weeks off school. If we take holidays off together for 2 weeks in the summer and the three days during Christmas, and use the rest of our holidays to look after the kids alone, that should cover about 7 weeks of their 14. Holiday schemes here are a bit patchy and most of them didn't run in corona times. I don't think my inlaws will bother at all about not seeing me, it's DH and the kids they will want to see.

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 06/09/2021 06:35

How old are your kids? I can see from a practical point of view why you’d want to take your holiday separately… but I personally wouldn’t want to miss out of Christmas time with my kids

Original poster
Anycrispsleft · 06/09/2021 06:42

They're 9 (twins). The thought was that we would have Christmas at home, maybe head off on the 27th or 28th.

OP posts:
Darbysmama · 06/09/2021 06:47

They’re his kids too. He’s their parent, not just a babysitter. He’s perfectly capable of looking after them over Christmas. I’m assuming the in laws will help too. They’d probably be thrilled to since they don’t see them that often. In the grand scheme of things, one Christmas away is not going to scar them for life. You’ll be seeing your in laws regardless, and being the new hire at work often means you’ve got to pay your dues before you can pull any weight to be able to ask for any special holiday concessions to be made for you. I think you’re being perfectly reasonable and your husband should support you in this, instead of giving you a guilt trip.

Throughabushbackwards · 06/09/2021 06:48

I don't think it's a big deal. I often take our DC abroad to visit my parents without DH and he does the same with his parents here. Sometimes I go for part of the week and leave them to stay on. I don't see what the problem is here other than your DH doesn't seem to want to be lumped with the kids on his own.

Throughabushbackwards · 06/09/2021 06:49

*which he will surely be able to over come!

toobusytothink · 06/09/2021 06:50

Hmmm I think you’re looking for an excuse tbh. I can see why he’s miffed. How is your marriage otherwise?

autumnboys · 06/09/2021 06:54

Congratulations on your new job!

Your husband is being wet. You’ll spend Christmas together and then he’ll take the children to see his parents. He’s waking up to the reality of you working, he needs to just get on with it.

PepsiHoover · 06/09/2021 06:54

YANBU. DH and I both work full time and have done for the last three years. Can't tell you at any time in that when we both had a week off together. He will need to get used to you not being the default for childcare.

WaterBottle123 · 06/09/2021 06:54

OP you're marvellous, making him step up like this! Most women tend to give in to this type of whinging.

YANBU. Of course he can manage two 9 year olds.

Now is the time to prioritise your lovely new job.

Original poster
Anycrispsleft · 06/09/2021 06:55

@Darbysmama @Throughabushbackwards that's what I thought too. I think it's not really got through to him yet, exactly how much parenting half of the parenting is, even with 9 year olds.

We will be spending actual Christmas together, I should have made that clear in the OP.

OP posts:
Redittwice · 06/09/2021 07:02

I think that all sounds very sensible @Anycrispsleft Congratulations on the job!
A pair of 9 year olds can't be too hard for him to manage all by himself

Redittwice · 06/09/2021 07:03

@WaterBottle123

OP you're marvellous, making him step up like this! Most women tend to give in to this type of whinging.

YANBU. Of course he can manage two 9 year olds.

Now is the time to prioritise your lovely new job.

Yes!!
MinnieMountain · 06/09/2021 07:07

YANBU.

DH is taking DS to visit his DF in Spain the first week of the Christmas holidays. I don’t have the leave left. It’s fine.

PeonyTime · 06/09/2021 07:07

I tend to duck out of alternating PIL trips - so see them if they condescend to visit us, and let DH do the trip on his own with the kids half the time.
Not sure I'd do it for a Xmas visit tho (that's never been proposed tho).
Yes, DH is going to have to get used to doing the holidays on his own.

MattyGroves · 06/09/2021 07:09

You need to sit down together and plan the school holidays. We have a spreadsheet and agree who will book childcare for what week as well as who will take which weeks as leave and which weeks will be family holidays. Very boring but it is good to discuss it properly. Obviously it's subject to changes through the year where needed but it's so useful to have it all planned out.

We have tried to avoid one person doing both the winter holidays as the May half term and summer holidays are more fun

SpongebobNoPants · 06/09/2021 07:57

They're 9 (twins). The thought was that we would have Christmas at home, maybe head off on the 27th or 28th
Sounds perfect to me! Good luck with your new job Smile

Hoppinggreen · 06/09/2021 08:00

Congratulations on the job.
So it’s a post xmas visit to the in laws you will miss? Sounds fine and your DH will just have to cope alone with his children, I’m sure you have done it plenty of times

Original poster
Anycrispsleft · 06/09/2021 08:34

Thanks all! It's very nice to have a bit of backup.

@MattyGroves you're right, we need to sit down and plan this all out. I think going forward I will probably take them for the autumn week (and probably try to get back to the UK) and DH will take them in the winter one, as they all ski and I don't.

I have a lab based job and DH as an office based one which is good because I can't become the default carer. I have to actually be physically in a place where children are not allowed. If the roles were reversed I think I would have to fight harder not to be default childcare.

There's also the added wrinkle that we are both cross border commuters, from Germany into Switzerland. At the moment, because of corona, we can WFH without any tax or immigration implications, but next year it will be limited to 1 day a week. DH would like to move to Switzerland and then we would have no issues with during the week childcare, as he could WFH 100 percent... actually as I am writing this I am realising that's not going to happen long term because he hates WFH and has found it really hard starting a new job WFH during corona. He wants to move to Switzerland because he's Swiss. But the kids grew up here in Germany, largely because he wanted to move here because of house prices, and I had no preference. I came out here and gave up my old job because I wanted the kids to grow up around their dad. I prioritised them then, I'm prioritising them now. I wanted to go back to the UK and retrain as a teacher, but decided to look for jobs here first so that they wouldn't have to move country. Now I've managed to pull a rabbit out of the hat with this job, they can stay with their friends, I'm not trashing that for some half arsed childcare from DH for 6 months.

I want to say he's not as bad as that makes him sound. Actually he can be a bit of a selfish arse. But will take it on the chin if I tell him so Grin

OP posts:
Twilightstarbright · 06/09/2021 09:35

YANBU. I took DS abroad to visit my parents on 27 December and he joined us the Friday after work for the weekend and we all flew home together on NYE.

As you say, you’ve got 14 weeks to cover. If you start taking all your AL together you’re going to run out very quickly.

ShingleBeach · 06/09/2021 09:48

I’d be lining the ILs up to come and stay during the school hols for a week or so!

Will they be close enough for you to go to the Xmas visit for the weekend? Sounds not.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/09/2021 09:53

Yanbu

Sounds a really sensible idea.

You do have to take some of your leave separately if you want to cover anything approaching all of their holidays (and still not even that).

Original poster
Anycrispsleft · 06/09/2021 10:09

@ShingleBeach

I’d be lining the ILs up to come and stay during the school hols for a week or so!

Will they be close enough for you to go to the Xmas visit for the weekend? Sounds not.

We were hoping we might get them to come for next year's summer holiday, maybe. They tend to march to the beat of their own drum though so I would prefer to just find paid childcare if I can.

They're 10 hours' drive away so no chance of dropping in sadly. We weren't even allowed in their country for half of last year...

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 06/09/2021 10:16

It's fine for him to be miffed and have a moan about a change of plans. And it's also fine for you to carry on with your very sensible plan. Congrats on the job!

FangsForTheMemory · 06/09/2021 10:28

If he's so far managed to avoid looking after the kids on his own because you were working, he's done pretty well out of it hasn't he? Half their childhood is gone, they no longer need constant attention and in five years' time they'll be big enough to leave at home on their own. I'd point that out to him.

FangsForTheMemory · 06/09/2021 10:28

*were not working