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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Facebook Evidence

20 replies

FeFe66 · 05/09/2021 23:13

34 years married.

I have been told by a friend that my partner set up a Facebook account earlier this year but has not added any close friends.

The only person added is an ex lover from before we met.

I don't have FB but have been shown the account and it is as described.

Am I right to feel hurt?

We have not been intimate from about the time that the account was set up and our relationship has chilled somewhat. I fear the worst.

I haven't let on I have seen the FB account and am honestly confused by the situation that I am fearful of upsetting things if I've got it totally wrong.

I don't know what to do! Advice appreciated!

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 05/09/2021 23:16

What do you want to do? That's the only thing that matters

Seafog · 05/09/2021 23:18

Clearly you have doubts, so what is your git telling you?

Seafog · 05/09/2021 23:18

Gut, obviously

Snookie00 · 05/09/2021 23:19

It does seem suspicious to set up an account where she is his only friend and also a bit weird that your friend knows about it. Assume that it’s because she has his phone number saved on her phone so it has popped up as a suggested friend. Are you saying that this is a former relationship from 35+ years ago? What do you think he’d say if you asked him about it?

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 05/09/2021 23:22

I don’t really understand what an account like that would be used for Surely there are easier, more enjoyable and discreet ways to communicate in secret, if someone wanted to?

It just sounds a bit cumbersome and weird but then, I don’t really use FB anymore and I’ve half forgotten how it functions.

MadeForThis · 05/09/2021 23:23

Does he have Facebook messenger? Could he be speaking to her there?

Or did he set up the account out of curiosity to see where she was now?

Could your friend send him a friend request?

TheChiefJo · 05/09/2021 23:25

Is the account definitely his? Could it be someone else using his picture and name to play silly buggers?

I'm not saying this is likely, but it happened to a friend if mine and it's worth ruling out. Especially as setting up an account and adding only one person is practically advertising misbehaviour.

Original poster

FeFe66 · 05/09/2021 23:35

Definitely a real account. The account photo is a holiday snap that I took and shared.

OP posts:

User72655 · 05/09/2021 23:37

It would be worth posting this in the relationships sub board

DixonD · 05/09/2021 23:38

It may be a real account, but it’s possible that as it’s a photo that you shared that it may have been made by someone else. I’ve had conversations through messenger with people who I thought were friends of mine but were just imposters! It happens all the time.

There are easier, more discreet ways to conduct an affair rather than on a public, social media facility.

Original poster

FeFe66 · 05/09/2021 23:38

Yes, a few friends have said they tried to be added but no response was received. I don't do social media / FB so don't know how it works.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeFe66 · 05/09/2021 23:41

I understand that several mutual friends of ours have sent friend requests and messages but no response has been received.

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 05/09/2021 23:48

I would bring Facebook up in a general conversation and tell him you are thinking of creating an account (then set one up).

Wait few weeks then search his a count and friend request him (also verbally tell him you requested him)

His reaction should give you an indication if he's guilty or not.

Alternatively, wait til he's asleep and look at the app on his phone, if he's up to no good with the ex you'll see the messages then can decide what to do from there

Original poster

FeFe66 · 05/09/2021 23:52

@DixonD

There are easier, more discreet ways to conduct an affair rather than on a public, social media facility.

It was only shared between the two of us.

I thought so but it is very unlikely that an imposter would have known the other person.

OP posts:

tensmum1964 · 05/09/2021 23:52

It does sound a bit odd that he has this account so publicly. On one hand I would have thought that if he were stupid enough to not realise that friends would see it he would have deleted it once he started getting friend requests so as not to get caught. No one is that stupid so on that basis I would say its possibly a fake account however, it is suspicious that the only friend is an ex lover. The only thing you can do is confront him with it and insist on seeing his messenger.

Original poster

FeFe66 · 05/09/2021 23:53

@HalzTangz

I would bring Facebook up in a general conversation and tell him you are thinking of creating an account (then set one up).

Wait few weeks then search his a count and friend request him (also verbally tell him you requested him)

His reaction should give you an indication if he's guilty or not.

Alternatively, wait til he's asleep and look at the app on his phone, if he's up to no good with the ex you'll see the messages then can decide what to do from there

Both our phones have face locking - it's the only think I think I've managed to get to work on the thing. The upshot is we can't see each others phones.

OP posts:

Summerfun54321 · 05/09/2021 23:57

There are too many possibilities, you just need to ask him about it.

Darbysmama · 06/09/2021 03:40

People are saying that their are smarter ways to have an affair. Which, of course, there are. But affairs are idiotic to begin with, so don’t expect people to necessarily go about it in a non-idiotic way. People get caught having affairs all the time because they do idiotic things to get found out.

I’d say it’s likely a legit account. If it weren’t, why would they friend solely an ex lover of his? That’s nonsense. Why would someone pretend to be him to talk to his ex? It makes zero sense.

Best case scenario, he wanted to creep on his ex. I think we’ve all been there. Even if you have no romantic interest in the ex whatsoever, sometimes you just get curious what they’re up to (or maybe they really burned you and you’re secretly hoping their life sucks lol). That said, if this were the case, I don’t see why he’d be so sneaky about it.

He could be having an emotional or physical affair and he’s using Facebook messenger to communicate with her so you don’t see her number on the phone bill. It could just be friendly chats and he’s kept it secret thinking you might get mad at him.

It’s clear he’s been deceptive. Why is still yet to be determined, but I can’t say that if I were in the same situation I’d be particularly hopeful. I’ll probably get some heat for this, but I’d do some serious snooping. Install a key logger. See what’s up. I’m sure many will say “oh, just talk to him.” Usually talking things out is my go-to answer. But if he’s already being deceptive by hiding this secret Facebook account from you and being in contact with his ex, then I think you’d be daft to expect him to be forthright with you if you talked to him. He would just try to gaslight you, make you feel crazy and/or paranoid, and get angry with you. Then probably find an alternate means of communication. Be smart, do some digging first, then go from there. Something is amiss.

Whichcatthatcat · 06/09/2021 03:48

I am pretty sure you can chat to someone on messenger without having them as a Facebook friend, so what would be the point of a secret account?

EccentricaGalumbits · 06/09/2021 04:07

@Whichcatthatcat

I am pretty sure you can chat to someone on messenger without having them as a Facebook friend, so what would be the point of a secret account?

If he's been married 34+ years and only just joined facebook he probably hasn't grown up with social media and wouldn't be aware.

A likely scenario would be that he googled her name and her Facebook page came up. He tried to check out her page and got the message that only friends can see her information, so he joined up. His motivation for that is anyone's guess.

OP, if you're looking for a way to drop this into a conversation to gauge his reaction, you could mention your friend's request? 'X asked me why you didn't approve her Facebook friend request, I was a bit stumped as I didn't know you used it!'

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