To not really know how to be a good parent to two?

[Draineddraineddrained]

I have a 4yo and a 6mo. Partner was away this weekend - we're talking 36 hours here - and I'm fucking shattered and feel like I haven't properly looked at/played with either of my children as I've been so busy just achieving the basics of getting them fed, napped, bathed, slept, up, dressed, fed, brushed, out, in, napped... (etc!)... When you factor in tidying up etc it's just relentless. No-one gets any focused attention because there's always the other one needing something, or if by some miracle the baby is asleep then there's a mound of washing up that needs doing/sterilising fluid needs changing/se other bloody job needs doing so you fob off the 4yo while you get that done.... Urgh.

When partner used to go away when I had one, I used to quite look forward to it - me and the big girl would hang out, play, really focus on each other, let the routine go out the window a bit, have special time... With two it's just so much work!

Any top tips on making this work better for next time (he's going away again soon and I don't want to feel this crap a mummy next time!!)

I’m a single parent to 4 so I don’t ever get any time with any of my children (they don’t see their father at all) I think as long as the basics are done I wouldn’t worry.

Any time alone*

Following for advice. I don't have a job and I have a cleaner and I struggle with this. I'm going to send the older child to preschool, in part to have some quality time with the baby, as currently he just gets dragged about after the elder one.

Does the four year old still nap?

At this age I'd be doing lots of nearby park visits and picnics, less mess, get them running around

Feeling you in advance op, mine at 6 and 21 months (twins) and DH os away end of the month so I'll have them alone. But worse, HE'LL have them alone a few weekends before and i KNOW ill come in to a tidy bloody house!! Grrrr

If its just one overnight my plan is to feed the kids at usual time, put babies down and expect to have a later bedtime with eldest. That's fine, he can sleep in next morning or there will actually be room in my bed!! Order takeout whilst putting him to bed so I don't mess from cooking for me.
Make sure the house is tidy Friday, as usual accept I won't get much done whilst they're awake (load of washing, sides cleaned etc), put plates etc to soak as i go (no dishwasher)
See if you can arrange a playdate so you get adult company

Single parent to a 6yo and 8 month old, split with their father whilst pregnant. You just need to let some things slide to survive. You need to set aside time for the oldest at the expense of housework, if your partner is only gone a couple of days surely you can get back on top of it when he is back? I bought some musical instruments in a big box we all play with together. Do art stuff with the 4yo with the baby in a high chair and paint in an IKEA zip lock bag. Puppet shows, story time, kids sensory on YouTube. Utilise technology, eg Tablet time for 4yo as you put the youngest down. Bath together. Eat together. All lie on the floor together with lots of stuffed animals and books. Den building, disco lights and music on. I put the little one in a baby walker in the kitchen as I cook or bake with the big one. Do the boring stuff like dishes and laundry when both in bed.

Well, I am certainly not one to win prizes for organisation, but mine are a bit older and I did a lot of learning during that phase you are in. I think there is a natural lowering of standards - you don’t sound like a crap mum in the slightest, and kids need to learn to be fobbed off sometimes! I think having a sibling did my first the world of good because her queen status could not be maintained!! So step one is to congratulate yourself on having gotten through a challenging weekend without any injuries or shouting at anyone .

Practically - don’t bathe them during solo weekend unless absolutely necessary - baths are often totally exhausting. If you are a Bath every night kinda family, I’d suggest reviewing that. Have all food ready and planned in advance so it’s easy to prepare. Get DH to help with this before next time he goes away. If you can afford a cleaner, get one. Plan reinforcements! Expect it to be hard and project plan in that respect.

I would be very surprised if the 4 year old still napped! My daughter hasn’t napped in years I’m taking it your 4 year old is starting school now? At least that will give you some time to do things

Been a single parent for 8 years so far...

Prioritise.

Does the whole house need vacuuming now? Or just that space where the baby lays to play?
Do you have to wash breakfast dishes now? Or just wash everything before bed?
Or even when baby is in bed and 4 year old can help with drying.
Kids love to do things together with adults, even chores! Sing together if you ďont think it's fun enough.
Does that washing have to be done now?
The world wont stop if it's still there tomorrow.
Decide what must be done now. And do it. Get kid to help.
Things that can wait are fine to wait.

No tips I'm afraid. But, just came to say well done and welcome to the world of having more than one child! I have a 8year old and a 11 month old baby and spend most of my time feeling guilty.
But they are fed, clean and happy and you're doing great!

I'm following for advice too. I have a two year old and a five month old. Some days are wonderful, everyone naps and plays and I feel like this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Other days, it an absolutely shit fight and I feel like a rubbish parent letting both of them down. Like OP, I could use tips from parents you've been there and done that!

I had twins after my older DD so am used to bring spread thinly and it is relentless - I don't stop from the moment someone wakes (twins don't sleep at the same time 🤣) until the last one goes to bed.

I think if you have twins you automatically set aside any mummy guilt for not spending enough time with any one child - because you simply can't do much about it and no point allowing myself to feel guilty all the time

I do make time for my older child though by just doing little things - twins go in the pram and we go to the pub and order off the dessert menu or go to the cafe for a treat - the twins are pretty good in the pram so gives me time with eldest for a chat, you can still go the park etc with a baby in the pram? At weekends babies stay with DH for an hour or so so we can go and do something or I'll bring just DD along to run errands

Just one here, but can you try and do some more bits whilst children are awake so you aren’t using every naptime and early evening tidying.

Things like steriliser I would just clean up baby after meal, keep in highchair, give them a toy and 4 year old some drawing at table and spend 5-10 extra minutes then. Do after each meal. That way basics like stuff for bottles, clean sink, dishwasher empty are done

It’s really tough, I know. Echoing what PPs have said though my tip is basically let the housework go a bit. I would much rather get to the end of the day feeling like I’d neglected the house than not given the kids enough attention.

Mine are 4 and 1. Top tips from the journey thus far:

• night before : put a wash on So it’s ready to peg out first thing if sunny
• get out and about (we usually go to a park) in the morning. Both kids will enjoy it, burn off some energy and no one is messing up the house
• give the big one some quality time / attention early on in the day. I’m guessing the baby still has a morning nap so definitely utilise this to play with 4yo. It makes them so much more patient the rest of the day
• get a playpen. At that age I got the small one used to going in the playpen with lots of toys and tv on while I made breakfast lunch and dinner. For half an hour each time . Still does it now which he is fine with and it’s massively helpful to know he’s safe while I cook. Eldest either helps me or watches tv or plays alone. But it does mean while the food is cooking I can do a bit of tidying or cleaning.
• afternoon nap time is golden time with the eldest. We always plan what we’re going to do when the little one is asleep and 4yo so looks forward to it. Sometimes painting, sometimes Lego, baking, anything she wants really. Sometimes I have jobs to get done too so I will set a timer “mummy has a whole half an hour to play Lego with you, when the timer goes off I’ll have to go and clean the bathroom”. But the whole time up to the timer going off is undivided attention. It works!

It does get a bit easier too. I do remember when the youngest started weaning that was really hard all of a sudden because you’ve got more food to get out the kitchen and waaaaaay more food related mess. Just do your best. Leave the dishes for after kids are in bed if you have to.

I also found the eldest had to “adjust to having a younger sibling” all over again once he could move. She has got used to having to share my attention with a baby who sat still, but once he could crawl and grab her things, she found that really hard and it took her a while to get used to it. So I tried to be patient (most of the time!)

Compromise is your friend! Prioritise what is really important.
Grab help if it's offered.
Take no notice of any 'perfection' displayed on social media.
Help bigger child feel important.
Let baths slide, or alternative use a bubbly bath for hours of fun, if they enjoy it.
This is all about survival! And you might actually find yourself enjoying it.
Have friends round/go to a friend's house if you have another family nearby (or family)
Highly recommend getting out for a while (ideally meeting other adult humans as they do help with the sanity) as you can't trash the house while you're not in it!
If DH keeps the house tidy when you're away - mine was similar. Partly novelty factor, partly because he ignored the children, partly passive aggressive to prove that I did nothing all day (I traded him in, in time)
You can do this!! You're not a crap mum. It really isn't easy and you are great

Thank you all so much, esp tips from the single parents of 2+ - I didn't want to be crass and have "how do single parents manage??!" as my thread title, as if being on my own for the weekend is anything remotely like raising kids on your own permanently, but I was hoping for tips from single parents as I honestly think you are superheroes.

Fact is we are very housework lite already - cleaner once a week for the basics, dishwasher, don't iron etc.

My DP is v fastidious and keeps religiously on top of tidying, putting away, wiping down and laundry so I feel bad if it all goes to shit while he's away. But definitely worth putting it all off until kids in bed, I don't mind s bit of mess and neither do they!

It does make me appreciate how much my DP does, whizzing around the house while I piss about on the floor with the kids shaking rattles/making dresses for stuffed cats etc 😂

Baby is a shit napper alas - although at least she will nap, which is more than could be said for eldest who would only contact nap 😆 eldest is very intense and the only thing that she will do by herself without moaning is TV or tablet - there's been a lot of My Little Pony this weekend 😳 and a lot of, if not shouting, then "Mummy's cross voice" when she's been physically attached to me when I'm trying to change a nappy/make food/tidy up. I am learning the hard way that I should have enforced some physical boundaries when she was little and it didn't hurt when she climbed all over me, playing catch up now she's a school child and bloody massive with no sense of personal space and I am already touched out with baby!

Baby is also crawling already and at the "I want to walk, hold my hands and break your back walking me around" stage 🥴 so just the sheer physical labour of keeping them both happy and safe is killing me as well. Eldest was an early walker (10mths) so hopefully littlest will get there soon and can start following me around while I do things so I don't have to either carry them everywhere or play "Dr Who's Weeping Angels" all day where I put her somewhere soft, dart into the kitchen to do something, dart back to find she's moved but never see it happening 😆