**8 Year Old Severely Destructive**

[Oscarsmumma2013]

Im after some advice, and maybe just reassurance. My 8 and a half year old son has been extremely destructive for a long long time. We have recently (in the school holidays), moved from a 1 bed flat, to our dream 2 bed house with a lovely garden! In our old home, he didnt respect anything. Partly my fault due to the conditions of how we lived. Our home was overcrowded with stuff i had hoarded for years, and my MH meant the flat took its toll and was neglected. To the point there was food stains on the carpets, food and pen/paint on the walls etc.

Since moving, i have tried to put structure and routine in place. We have daily cleaning schedules, and ways of tidying up and storing items properly. I have worked my socks off trying to give us a home we can be proud of. A home that he can invite his friends round to, without being ashamed or embarassed of.
But his destructive streak just seems to be getting out of control. And i just dont know what to do anymore. Im feeling so low and disheartened that the home im trying to make, is just being destroyed by him. Ive borrowed so much money since the move, that I physically cant afford to repair or replace things he breaks anymore.

Since moving, he has broken a rope barrier in our garden, our toilet seat, the light pull in the bathroom, his bed, numerous toys, a christmas light up ornament ive had since he was born, and most recently (today), he has cut my sofa arm with scissors.

After an incident with his younger brother (2 and a half), i called my mum, who said to send him to his room. When ive gone to go to the toilet, in the time he has been upstairs, he has trashed their bedroom, and gone into the bathroom and spread one of my facemasks everywhere.

He has numerous other issues, which are under investigation at the moment (he steals food and hides the evidence to extreme, and are awaiting results of an MRI scan to see if he has a tumour on his brain). He is diagnosed with ADHD and is medicated for that (Medikinet 30mg daily), and we are awaiting diagnosis of autism.

If you ask him why he does these thing, he either lies and says it wasnt him (even when theres no way it could have been me or his brother), or he shrugs and says "I dont know".

Im just at a loss of how to handle it anymore. Ive worked so hard to get us to this point, and Im starting to feel like, why am i bothering. Which makes me worry that my MH will start to suffer again, and ill end up back where i was when i let our flat conditions slip.

So im wondering how other parents deal with this kind of behaviour? Ive tried every punishment I can think of. Removing items like his ipad or tv priviliges, make him scream the house down, and i worry about the effect that has on my younger son, and also what our neighbours must think. Ive shouted, screamed, cried, begged him to stop, ignored it and pretended it doesnt happen. Weve tried every reward chart possible, to try and praise the good instead of the bad.

Someone please tell me where to turn?

Sorry for the essay, and thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it all xxx

It’s still very early days, as you say he is used to a different way of life and now everything is new. Take it slowly, bring in one rule at a time. Take it step by step.

It'll take time to change the habits of a lifetime!
It's hardly fair to punish him now, for behaviour that was deemed acceptable in your old house.

Have you contacted camhs or the local social services to see if there's any parenting classes/support for parents of children with adhd. It might help with specific techniques as normal parenting/discipline may not work.

I'd ask MN to move this to the SEN board where you can get some advice on appropriate strategies for a neuro diverse child with what sounds like some complex SEMH needs on top of that.

Much of what he is doing is about those factors and punishing/rewarding a child for behaviours they can't help or those which are actually coping strategies is like punishing a child in a wheelchair for not being able to walk.

That sounds so tiring and frustrating for you. Are there times when its worse than others? What are his communication skills like? Are there triggers? Does he do it at school

Hi OP I don't know your situation but as pp have said you have changed your habits but he doesn't know that yet and will take time to adjust. I would also recommend getting him outside to the park or for a walk for an hour or 2 every day to tire him out a bit and just give everyone a chance to run free and de stress hopefully. I find this helps my family. Good Luck!

Honestly, I think your situation requires more professional support rather than advice from well meaning Mums on the Internet. It sounds like he has complex needs. Clearly it is all being investigated but I'm afraid the elp offered is often woefully inadequate. It is probably worth finding a local support group/charity that helps parents of children with ADHD. Also going back to the dr nd seeing if his medication can be changed because it doesn't sound like it is helping him enough.

Why are they investigating him for a brain tumour? That could be affecting his behaviour if he does have one and obviously if he does you will have a lot more to worry about.

I think for now I would concentrate on minimising his opportunity to be destructive. Keep him busy, keep him out of the house doing things, keep things where he can't get at them. Don't blame yourself for the way he is but do seek help from drs and support groups or wherever you can.