Covid ‘anxiety’ as an excuse

[MeePee]

Contact is intermittent with family since Covid began and they wouldn’t spend Christmas 2020 with my family because of Covid. When we do speak, they tell me they are very anxious about Covid, lack of mask wearing and mixing in groups, which I have respected. I’ve had anxiety, I know it can feel like shit. They also said lockdown made them unhappy which I also totally sympathise with.

My sympathy over the anxiety which seems to be a barrier to any meaningful family contact is wearing thin now. They have been on multiple holidays (staying overnight with another family), weekend hotel trips with friends, kids and adult parties, events, day trips and all kinds of things indoor and out with their friends. I haven’t seen relatives for months as they have been busy as above. I was pleased they are getting their life back.

Pre Covid we used to stay over at each other’s houses all the time but it’s been nearly 2 years now. A family event is coming up and I invited them to come stay with my family so we could attend and they said no. Covid.

AIBU to think Covid is now just being used to avoid spending any time with us? It doesn’t seem to stop them doing anything else! I don’t do half the things they do so don’t think I am some kind of exceptional risk to them, I do not work on a Covid ward and we have all been vaccinated!

Why didn’t you ask them why they could do “name one thing they’ve done” and can’t do “what you’re suggesting”?

If you’ve tried lots of times I think I would gently say something like “oh I’m surprised to hear you are still worried about Covid as I’ve seen you have been to XYZ” then just pause and see what they say.

If they give some excuses I’d probably end it with “oh I was just concerned you didn’t want to see us” and again see what they say.

Does sound like they are using it as an excuse though!

How cautious are you with covid? We are cautious and mix with families members we know are equally cautious. Those going back to normal not wearing masks etc we keep our distance from.

A lot of people have enjoyed not being obliged to mix with family and having Covid as the excuse. Take the hint and just carry on with the relationship respecting their decision.

Whatever the reason or if they are using covid to reduce contact with you- trying to force contact probably won't help. I think I'd probably just listen to what their saying and socialise with your friends.

But it sounds a little bit like they are happier with the reduced contact and there's not much you can do about it. Maybe it was too much for them before?

YANBU. I'd stop asking tbh.

They were probably just doing it because they were feeling obliged previously, and prefer the lesser amount nowadays.
Leave them

@Beachmummy23

How cautious are you with covid? We are cautious and mix with families members we know are equally cautious. Those going back to normal not wearing masks etc we keep our distance from.

I wondered this too! I think people are clustering like with like a bit.

Yes I am going to stop asking. I only asked because the family event is coming up and it’s nearer to my house. They aren’t going at all.

We followed the rules but didn’t have the option of working from home like they did. We just followed whatever was allowed in the lockdown/tiers/bubbles, the same as most other people did. I didn’t wash my shopping though or quarantine post. We have just tried to live life as normal as we were able to.

They actually caught Covid at an unnecessary event.

I agree on reflection they may assume that we aren’t following the rules. I believe they have made this assumption without asking us about it. They seem to feel we cannot be trusted somehow, or are a risk but anyone else they mix with is not.

We haven’t actually had Covid touches wood so I believe we have been relatively sensible.

I am their only family so this is obviously upsetting

@MeePee

To be fair, if they're not going then they definitely wouldn't need a place to stay?

I think they may have just enjoyed the slower pace of life without all the functions and get togethers that covid allowed.

I'd let them be and have a great time yourself at the family do!

I don’t want it to be outing but anyway

They said the reason they couldn’t come was no childcare
So I offered it
And they still said no

So it wasn’t the childcare

@MeePee

They don't want to come. Honestly (in the nicest possible way) just take the hint and back off.

If someone says no you stop asking. Like dating. Like sex.

@Thatsjustwhatithink

I never make contact with them anymore, they contacted me and this was the outcome. I always intended to just go without them. I already assumed they were not coming

It was strange as I feel confused by contact, it is not as it appears. They approached me with the childcare issue then turned down the offer.

My in laws do this picking and choosing thing. I just think, “how embarrassing for you” and spend time with people who aren’t weird. I really enjoyed my SIL being particularly vociferous about that winter lockdown, having no idea my pre-teen niece was all over Snapchat about the sleepovers she was at every weekend

There aren't any rules anymore are there?

YANBU - if they are genuinely super anxious then it's not right for you to see them since you can't guarantee you won't give them covid.

I've got a hunch some people 'use' it to be controlling. But that could be uncharitable.

I have a friend who is very germ conscious, but selectively so , well before covid. Very particular in domestic settings(or work) about what cup/cutlery she might be able to use....but no problems eating out or going to pubs.

Post covid - quite wary of going back to work, but fine to go on holiday, stay in hotels, eat out etc.