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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I probably am...

27 replies

trianglesanddiamonds · 05/09/2021 17:15

I have recently had a baby (our second child).

Two of my friends had babies at a similar time and I've naturally come to spend more and more time with these ladies and on occasions, there partners if I've visited their houses.

It's become apparent how much their husbands value them and what they do for the families and I've found myself comparing my relationship. I have ALWAYS felt a bit under appreciated and taken for granted but it feels magnified.

The other day my friends partner randomly bought her some new earrings and a gift from their baby daughter just so she to make her smile. He also raved at me about how fantastic she is and how loved she is.

The other friends partner was explaining how desperately he misses he family when he's at work and how he wants to spend all weekend trying to give his wife a break.

My husband is just nothing like this. He would never randomly get me a gift or tell me how great I am or how appreciated I am.

Is he just a different type of person? Am I being a princess? It's just all made me feel a bit rubbish if I'm honest.

I don't want to be showered with gifts but something small or even a gesture like making me breakfast in bed and taking the kids would make me feel loved

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/09/2021 17:28

What does he do to make you feel valued?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/09/2021 17:30

I would take a husband who makes me dinner and let’s me sleep in after a rough night with the baby over a gift- only you know if your husband is helpful and appreciative enough

Original poster
trianglesanddiamonds · 05/09/2021 17:30

Not very much to be honest.

OP posts:
accentdusoleil · 05/09/2021 17:35

You don't know what these guys are like behind closed doors. They might be complete arseholes, unfaithful and/or shit it bed

However how do you want to feel valued? What is important to you? If you know, tell him

VladmirsPoutine · 05/09/2021 17:37

If you have always felt under appreciated the likelihood is that motherhood has just amplified that feeling. Of course the thing is to talk to him but I've found in these sort of circumstances men will change for a short period of time then revert back to their old habits. Interestingly, I was reading about women's accounts of divorce a while back and for the majority, the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak was never a 'big' incident like cheating or physical abuse - it was about being taken for granted, under-appreciated and generally treated as the household's chief personal assistant.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 05/09/2021 17:37

Sounds like you picked the wrong kind of guy OP.
I feel the same and bitterly regret it tbh.

trippingflip · 05/09/2021 17:43

I wouldn't compare. Some men only procure gifts after cheating and others only remember how much they love after a row.

People say a lot of things. It might be different to what goes on behind closed doors.

As for your own relationship, feeling undervalued is not great. Talk to your partner and see how it goes?

Original poster
trianglesanddiamonds · 05/09/2021 18:09

I have raised the undervalued thing a lot previously. Things change temporarily but just go back.

My friends are getting nice gestures and I'm getting wet towels left on the floor for me to pick up.

I think just posting this has made me realise there are far deeper problems to address.

OP posts:
SquirrelFan · 05/09/2021 18:10

I have to agree, please don't compare. You have no idea what anyone's relationship is really like.
However, there's nothing wrong with asserting yourself within your relationship and asking for what you'd like.

Looubylou · 05/09/2021 18:11

Those who make a big show of their undying love, are just as likely as those who don't, to be cheating or abusive bastards. People can be very different behind closed doors.

PaddleBlue · 05/09/2021 18:17

I would want more than you describe in your relationship OP. I don’t think it’s just because you’re comparing & I’m sure their relationships aren’t perfect but it does highlight just how undervalued you feel. I personally couldn’t put up with this

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/09/2021 18:27

I don't think it's good to assume that good, loving relationships you see must be horrible behind closed doors. That is basically saying everyone's relationship is shit really so you might as well stay in your shit one too.
You should be saying no, that's what I want and deserve! Not oh well, he seems nice but I bet when nobody's watching...

You know your relationship is not what it should be and that he doesn't care enough to change.

MadeForThis · 05/09/2021 18:29

I would value presents. I would value my DH who makes sure I get a lie in, takes his turn to bath the girls, encourages me to spend time with my friends, acknowledges how difficult and tiring it is to look after young kids.

Gestures mean little to me. The small things count.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/09/2021 18:30

Stop doing any housework for him ie. his washing, focus on you and the baby- don’t make him dinner, go out at the wkend without him and the baby even if just for an hr.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2021 18:48

I felt the same when I was married to exh. He wouldn’t do anything spontaneous to make me feel appreciated and I agree that seeing other people’s partners can make you feel worse.

Note the exh.

sst1234 · 05/09/2021 18:52

People with ostentatious displays of affection in public usually have fractured relationships behind closed doors. They are mostly over compensating for something else.
That said, appreciation works both ways. Would your husband say the about you as do about him?

Original poster
trianglesanddiamonds · 05/09/2021 18:57

@sst1234

People with ostentatious displays of affection in public usually have fractured relationships behind closed doors. They are mostly over compensating for something else. That said, appreciation works both ways. Would your husband say the about you as do about him?
I think he would struggle to form an argument about me doing nothing for him.

I do 90% housework, I do 100% of his/everyone's laundry, I do his shopping, cook most meals, meal plan, do majority of feeds/nappy changes even after he comes home from work, I do ALL night wakings (in fairness he has a job with an early start which requires concentration but feel he could do more on a weekend). He never prepares the changing bag before we go anywhere. Never thinks to give our other child snacks etc. Would never initiate baby naps.

He would probably say I get upset with him a lot. But see above.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 05/09/2021 19:00

OTT gestures are more for show. As other said its the small thoughtful things

FirewomanSam · 05/09/2021 19:01

I felt like this with my ex too. I would constantly tell myself my friends’ seemingly lovely partners were probably just as shit as him behind closed doors… but nah, they weren’t. He really was just shit. That’s why he’s my ex while my friends are still with those lovely guys.

People do show their love and appreciation in different ways, so just because your friend’s partner buys jewellery doesn’t mean your husband is crap if he doesn’t, but if you find yourself never feeling appreciated at all then don’t ignore that feeling.

girlmom21 · 05/09/2021 19:08

Your husband is useless. You're not unreasonable. What happens if you ask him to step up more?

FfrothiCoffi · 05/09/2021 19:09

@Hankunamatata

OTT gestures are more for show. As other said its the small thoughtful things
Yeah but it’s pretty clear the OP isn’t getting these either.

My DH doesn’t do random gifts, but he does 90% of the cooking, gets up with the toddler at 6am most days because I don’t sleep well, always makes sure I’ve got a drink because I’m rubbish at remembering to drink enough, rubs me a bath with candles etc when it’s been a shitty day.
It doesn’t sound like you’re getting when you deserve from the relationship OP.

AlvinSimonTheo · 05/09/2021 19:09

My friends H calls her "beautiful" in general conversation in front of anyone, PDAs (not for me but she likes that), puts soppy status on social media.

Also threatened to kill her if she ever left and promised she wouldn't be taking the kids. Oh, and spent all of her money. All of it.

MilkWasABadChoice · 05/09/2021 19:19

I don’t get and don’t want random gifts and I don’t really care about compliments. I don’t really get any of that.

I care deeply about the dishwasher, the washing up, the giving a shit about when the kids’ clubs are, the knowing what’s in the fridge and the general attitude. I get most of what I want in this front and it speaks to me of love, commitment and being engaged with family life.

So, decide what’s important to you and lay down some serious expectations.

Natty13 · 05/09/2021 19:26

I always say that my DH is my biggest fan and I'm his. He does do random nice things like lay the table nicely with candles etc and have dinner and a glass of wine ready for me when I come home or getting g me flowers/little presents. I do the same for him. He talks up my achievements in front of others and is v appreciative of what I bring to our family (as I am to him).

It's a bit laughable not to mention judgemental to say couples who make gestures valuing their OH in front of others are usually unauppy behind closed doors. I hsve friends who know the good and bad of my relationship and have then expected more from their deadbeat DHs. Comparison is the thief of joy it's true however that's only true when you're comparing for example a husband showing love in one way and not another. I have friends whose DHs are always planning quality time and trips together. I wish mine would however those husbands don't do things that mine does like he built me something for my garden I really wanted as a surprise and is v hands on whereas those husbands might not be as much. Your husband sounds like he does nothing to make you feel valued at all which is the problem here not that he shows love in a different way.

catfunk · 05/09/2021 19:27

Your friends husbands sound like the minority tbh.