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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To always want the best for her, but not able to afford it

46 replies

Bugaboosy · 05/09/2021 15:25

For context, I live abroad and the education system is different where I am. I’m an Early years/primary teacher and have worked part time since Dd, 3 was born. She’s always been at home with me or Dp. We decided now would be a good time to send her to Pre school a couple of days per week (they don’t start school here until 6)
Lots of the nurseries are not on par with the U.K. really, but there’s want I taught in before dd came along, which is really excellent, I know she’d love it so much and would gain a great deal from going there. The thing is, it’s double the cost of other nurseries..I’m desperate for her to go there and do better and have a more fulfilling experience and am currently looking for more hours teaching, so I can pay the fees. I want so much for her, this includes horse riding lessons in the future, piano etc (obviously, only if she enjoys, I wouldn’t push her, although I’m aware I sound like a pushy mum, I’m not) I just really want all the best opportunities to be available to her, I’d love to send her to primary school, but can’t afford. Did anyone else feel like that when they had children, my ambition level has risen and I’d work extra hours if it made I was able to provide these things.

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 05/09/2021 15:59

Ok, fair enough.

2bazookas · 05/09/2021 16:06

You can't buy an off-the-peg wonder-childhood where a series of hired employees provide all the child's "experiences".

Just like hiring top quality whores twice a week is not the key to a happy marriage. AFAIK :-)

  What children  ( and spouses) most need is time  with and  personal engagement from the person they love most in the world.  If they don't  get it,   no amount of riding and ballet classes can ever fill the emotional  gap.

Original poster

Bugaboosy · 05/09/2021 16:09

@2bazookas Yes, that comes first, she has all of that by the bucketload, I’d just like for her to go somewhere she’d enjoy and really benefit from, especially as we’re paying for it

OP posts:

PileOfBooks · 05/09/2021 16:10

I actively didn't want a lot of timetabled structure and "extra'lessons in preschool. If they're not there full time they really don't need it as its only to make up for fulltime working parents not being able to take their kids to gym/kids groups.

Under 5 its all just a variation on play. I would save your money and sort your own exyra curricular clubs etc so by 6 you know yourself what she likes and can pay for relevant clubs.

When small they would often rather free pkay with friends than lots of structure, especially if only a couple of days a week.

I looked for kind experienced staff over a flashy "we do yoga" salespitch (after all they're a money making business) and did toddler gym/swimming etc with my child

Marni83 · 05/09/2021 16:12

Hell yes

I do this

Work to afford the best schooling for my children

MeredithGreyishblue · 05/09/2021 16:14

I’m desperate for her to go there and do better

OP I don't think she'll be long term impacted by nursery if you're supportive at home. You know better than anyone about things like this as an EYFS specialist. Stop beating yourself up.

Original poster

Bugaboosy · 05/09/2021 16:14

@PileOfBooks That’s the thing, they’re so kind there (I’ve worked with them in that room and know exactly how things operate) the other nurseries are fairly strict and it’s but a gentle approach like the Montessori one.
I don’t like too many activities either (at this age anyway) but it seems the opposite where she is, she seems a bit disheartened. The other one has lots of choices and stimulation if she chooses

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 05/09/2021 16:15

[quote Bugaboosy]@Waspsarearseholes Yes, exactly, I’m able to provide all of that at home and she has just started a fun dance class and gymnastics, plus we see friends. I just wanted that sort of independent time away from me with lots of children in a different setting and to become bilingual. I only want to send her two days per week as we do everything else at home. I just know this other nursery would be such a good fit for her.
We can pay but it would mean really tightening our belts, less treats etc, mainly just mortgage, bills, food bought and then a tiny bit left over.
Is it worth living like that for a few years (proper school starts at 6)[/quote]
I wouldn’t then. A tense, harassed, over-worked family will undo any benefits. And you’ll be able to use the spare money and time to fill in any gaps yourself - are there any bilingual lessons near you? Or sports she can join?

Original poster

Bugaboosy · 05/09/2021 16:16

@MeredithGreyishblue I wouldn’t have an issue in the U.K., which sounds terrible, but it’s true. It’s just a different way of doing things than I’ve been used to.

OP posts:

Marni83 · 05/09/2021 16:18

[quote Bugaboosy]@PileOfBooks That’s the thing, they’re so kind there (I’ve worked with them in that room and know exactly how things operate) the other nurseries are fairly strict and it’s but a gentle approach like the Montessori one.
I don’t like too many activities either (at this age anyway) but it seems the opposite where she is, she seems a bit disheartened. The other one has lots of choices and stimulation if she chooses[/quote]
Even more confirmation in my mind that doing the right thing

MoiraNotRuby · 05/09/2021 16:19

Are there only two to choose from?
Do you have/plan to have any more children so need to factor in future costs for them?
I do think EYFS is worth paying lots for. Other than that my DC have thrived at state school (in England at least).
One of my favourite things about parenting is my DC learning stuff from other people. I'm not here to teach them I'm here to make it possible for them to learn iyswim.
This is your expert subject area and if you think you need to make sacrifices to go to the best one you are probably right...

My dc are teens now and I am sure their nursery years were the most important ones.

Original poster

Bugaboosy · 05/09/2021 16:20

@Pumperthepumper The gymnastics and ballet she’s just started (loves both so much) are at the local school and ran by local teachers in the language. I deliberately chose these over the more expensive, English taught lessons. It might not be enough for her to completely pick up the language though. In pre school, she would a lot more quickly, she’s already come home saying the simple words for wee wee, water and toilet after two mornings.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 05/09/2021 16:22

2 mornings a week really won't make much difference one way or another.

Original poster

Bugaboosy · 05/09/2021 16:23

@MoiraNotRuby These are probably the best two, the others I looked around and from general opinion and just my own instincts from being there, I wouldn’t send her to.
We can’t have any more children, so it’s just finding money for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bugaboosy · 05/09/2021 16:24

@RedHelenB Starting with mornings, then to full days. The other days she’ll be at home with me and with friends playing etc

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 05/09/2021 16:35

She is 3. Your overthinking this. Send her to the one you can afford so she can mix with other kids. All the other bits you can do at home.

Bellringer · 05/09/2021 16:49

English pre school and nursery are not all that good. They start learning too young, it's not better. Didn't you look at costs before you got pregnant? You sound snobby and aspiring. Enjoy your child, she is just a baby.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 05/09/2021 16:53

She’s been going for two mornings. She has barely found the loo yet. Give it a chance. I though school was rubbish after two days “All we do is play daddy - I haven’t learnt to read yet.”

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/09/2021 16:55

I’m surprised there is no staff discount for you to send her to the school you work at? Have you asked about a staff discount or bursary?

Pumperthepumper · 05/09/2021 16:56

@Bellringer

Nothing worse than someone wanting the best for their child, is there? I hate to see it.

billy1966 · 05/09/2021 16:58

@Hankunamatata

She is 3. Your overthinking this. Send her to the one you can afford so she can mix with other kids. All the other bits you can do at home.

This.

Your imput will carry your child so much futher.

Teachers will tell you that the children that do best irrespective of ability are usually those who come from homes where their education is supported.

Primary school is where your average parent can really support and encourage the average child by developing good homework habits, encouraging reading, doing that bit extra to encourage confidence in the curriculum.

Save your money for when she is older and in secondary.
You will get more bang for your buck.

You have the time and resources to help her now, why pay unnecessarily for this.

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