I think you're half way there by recognising it's up to you to set and enforce boundaries. That doesn't mean you are responsible for other people's disrespectful behaviour but enforcing boundaries tells them you won't put up with it.
I don't have any books to recommend, my advice comes from my own experience of developing healthy boundaries after an abusive relationship.
You say you don't stand up for yourself but this can mean either not even trying to enforce a boundary or not being assertive enough when you do. Women are often conditioned to protect others feelings and so we can easily be manipulated into feeling we are responsible for fixing problems that are not our responsibility or we use language which softens the meaning of our words, leading others to think we don't mean what we say.
It takes quite a bit of practice to use very clear unambiguous language if you're not accustomed to being direct. Beware the arseholes who use tone policing to ignore your boundaries, you know the ones, "it's not what you say, its the way you say it". Observe your husband's interactions with the children, is he more assertive or authorative with them, are the consequences for bad behaviour which he follows through on?
I also myself a few questions if I feel uncomfortable about someone's behaviour,
Is this problem of my making or my responsibility to solve.
Did I communicate clearly what my preferences/expectations are/were?
Are my preferences/expectations fair and reasonable?
Are my preferences/expectations consistent or do I confuse people by changing them for my own convenience?
What is it I fear if I do not give into other people's unreasonable demands?
The last question is possibly the most important.
It will take time, effort and a lot of self reflection but developing healthy boundaries has made my life much easier and has freed me from petty and pointless conflict with other people in my life.