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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re. Double Birthday Etiquette

22 replies

LadyLaSnack · 05/09/2021 14:28

I have two children born on the same date but two years apart.

DS1 is almost 5 - he has just started school.
DS2 is almost 3 - at nursery.

We are hoping to have a wee party for them. We live rurally and class sizes are small. We were going to invite the whole of DS1's class, and just a couple of nursery/family friends for DS2. Party is just in the garden.

Should I mention on the invite that it's a party for both of them? I don't want people to feel like they have to bring 2 presents, but at the same time if I only mention DS1's birthday to DS1's friends, and DS2's birthday to only DS2's friends then given that DS2 isn't going to have very many guests coming especially for him he might notice that everyone is saying happy birthday to his brother and not him.

If I was a guest I'd probably prefer to know it was a birthday for both of them (lots of DS1 friends' parents know DS2 too due to playdates, school pickups), and then if I chose to bring two presents would maybe split the cost of what I'd usually spend on one child and get 2 of something smaller. However I appreciate and understand that not everyone might want to do that.

WWYD? I figured I've got this for years to come, so might as well try to get it right!

YANBU - mention that it's a double birthday on the invite
YABU - mention only one child's birthday depending on who the guest knows best

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 05/09/2021 14:35

I'd only mention the child they know best. Avoids you ending up with tons of stuff for them both and makes it easier for other parents.

I know a set of B/G twins. The mum invited the boys from her DSs class and the girls from the DDs. I had no clue about the sister until I was at the party but it seemed a sensible approach.

Newnames123 · 05/09/2021 14:36

Have a look online there are loads of invite websites that have joint invites.
Like at the top have Child 1 is 5 Child 2 is 3.
Then Child 1 would like to invite you to their party.

So this way they know it is joint but they are invited by their friend not both.

TeenMinusTests · 05/09/2021 14:37

invites you to join him at John's (5) and Tim's (3) birthday party.

Then parents can give a gift to the invitee & card/nothing/sweets to other child?

Alternatively, and maybe preferably, separate parties but sibling gets to invite 1 friend for company? And hold neither party on the actial day - keep that for family?

HappyDaysToCome · 05/09/2021 14:37

You’ve got a whole heap of problems here!

You need to tell people it’s both birthdays. I’d feel awful if I came and didn’t say happy birthday to the other child, and the child would notice too.

You need to tell people they aren’t obliged to bring a gift for the other child. (Although I’d probably still bring a token gift).

But then DC2 will see DC1 getting a whole load more presents and cards. Long time since I’ve had a 3 year old but I think they would notice?

So maybe you need to even up the invite list?

I was 5 when my older sister and I had a joint birthday party. For some reason everyone assumed it was her birthday, or maybe she had more invitees…. She got way more presents than me, even though it was much closer to my birthday than hers. I still remember….

Cupoteap · 05/09/2021 14:38

I'd want to know

Original poster
LadyLaSnack · 05/09/2021 14:38

Ok these are great ideas and good advice - thank you!!

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyLaSnack · 05/09/2021 14:42

*You need to tell people it’s both birthdays. I’d feel awful if I came and didn’t say happy birthday to the other child, and the child would notice too.

You need to tell people they aren’t obliged to bring a gift for the other child. (Although I’d probably still bring a token gift).

But then DC2 will see DC1 getting a whole load more presents and cards. Long time since I’ve had a 3 year old but I think they would notice?

So maybe you need to even up the invite list?*

I agree re. this being the crux of the problem.

I can't really even up the invite list without cutting DS1's friends (and therefore excluding some of his class which would feel very unkind as there are only 11 of them).

I think DS2 is still small enough that he won't notice the presents discrepancy, but I think he will notice if everyone is saying Happy Birthday to his brother and not to him.

OP posts:
621CustardCream438 · 05/09/2021 14:47

I don’t think you necessarily do have this for years to come. Obviously at ages three and five a joint party is fine and I understand why you’d have fewer nursery age children. I think your plan this year sounds fine - I would probably word the invitation as from one child but inviting xx to a joint event.

But as they get older please don’t give them a joint party unless that’s what they both really want - just because their birthdays are on the same day doesn’t mean that they don’t each deserve their own “birthday event” even if on separate dates.

Feelingmardy · 05/09/2021 14:51

When we did a joint party for mine we were very clear on the invite that we did not want presents for the child who was not friends with their (due to being too old/ too young).

Original poster
LadyLaSnack · 05/09/2021 14:53

Yes - potentially in a couple of years time this might be easier to separate out by them each being able to do an 'activity' party of some kind. Though at the moment they are so close that I think they'd be upset not to be at the party with the other one IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Maybeyesno · 05/09/2021 14:54

As they get older they may want separate party's, I have twins and we have twin 1s birthday party the weekend before birthday, a family gathering on actual birthday and twin 2s birthday weekend after. Its all about what works for your family, mine had joint birthday parties till about aged 7.
When they had joint birthdays we invited the child to whom they were friends with but put a note at the bottom to say it was a joint party.

Original poster
LadyLaSnack · 05/09/2021 14:54

@Feelingmardy

When we did a joint party for mine we were very clear on the invite that we did not want presents for the child who was not friends with their (due to being too old/ too young).
Can I ask advice for how you worded this?
OP posts:
sbhydrogen · 05/09/2021 14:54

John> invites you to join him at John's (5) and Tim's (3) birthday party

This works well!

Ifyouarehappyandyouknowit21 · 05/09/2021 14:57

Yes, we did this. Sent out an invitation saying Jane is 5 & Elaine is 3.
You are invited to our birthday party on the 25th of May 2017.

*Not actual names or dates. Lol.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 05/09/2021 15:00

I have done joint parties for my 2 and I only put the child that they know on the invite.
When I've received invites with 2 names but only know one then I buy a token gift for the other child at Poundland because I'd find it awkward handing over a gift and the other birthday child was watching. I'm not saying that everyone should do that but it's my personal feeling.

Gingersay · 05/09/2021 15:11

My two dds birthdays are a week apart and there's two years between them. Up until eldest was 8 we always had a joint party, on our friends and family we would put both names and on each of dds friends just the name of dd they were friends with.

OdeToAutumn · 05/09/2021 15:14

My kids are also born on the same day. When we did a party for the youngest, my oldest didn’t want a party and wanted to do a day out instead.

Some people knew and got him a little something too, and some didn’t. We sang happy birthday for both.

I wouldn’t want people to feel like they had to get both kids a present, but I get that people may feel awkward not knowing and not saying happy birthday.

I like the idea of the invite saying it’s for both but specifying which kid the invite is from. I wouldn’t worry about presents. I’ve never seen a kid open them at a party so you can put them away and maybe not give the older one all his presents in one go with the younger one there.

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 05/09/2021 15:14

Like at the top have Child 1 is 5 Child 2 is 3.
Then Child 1 would like to invite you to their party. this works well. I would only get one gift if I received this.

Whyareyouallcallingmemum · 05/09/2021 15:18

I have 4 in the same week and so have had quadruple parties. 2 are twins. On the invitations I used to put all my kids names and everyone just bought a gift for the one they knew. It was no big deal.
You have for this for years to come you're right....it'll figure itself out.

2bazookas · 05/09/2021 15:19

We have twins in the family. They have always had individual birthday cakes; as toddlkers they had a joint party; once they reached school age they each have a separate birthday party/activity ( some parental social skill required so that each has a different child guest list) obviously siblings and parents attend both.

Satan invented birthday parties for the entire class. They are hell. Just don't.

Our rule of thumb was, birthday person's age matches the number of friends they invite.

BoredZelda · 05/09/2021 15:37

Seems like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Invite each child’s friends to their birthday party. Unless people are particularly obtuse, they will work out it is the other child’s birthday when they get there. If you feel it’s necessary, stick a big banner at the door welcoming them to x and x birthday party. I’d feel annoyingly obliged to buy a present for the other child if invited to a joint party.

The younger child is too young to notice who says happy birthday or not, the older one one is old enough to have it explained that not everyone knows it is their birthday too.

BoredZelda · 05/09/2021 15:38

Our rule of thumb was, birthday person's age matches the number of friends they invite.

Same - up to the age of ten. Eleven was supposed to be a nice day out with a could of friends, but 11 & 12 were in lockdown!

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