Mum and drinking

[grandadshat]

Posted about this before. Nothing has changed.

Mum has always been a drinker but since losing my dad in 2019 it has gotten worse. She isn't a particularly abusive drunk but she can be spiteful, argumentative and make passive aggressive comments at times. Mostly she just slurs and talks rubbish but I find it hard to be around her when she's like that.

Ive got one child and am pregnant again. This pregnancy is rough and I'm feeling very tired, nauseas and overwhelmed. I could really use my mums support but most times that I ring her or call round I can tell she's been drinking and I never stay. I feel guilty for leaving her sometimes but I just can't stand how the drink makes her.

I know she's grieving as we all are but the drinking isn't a new thing it's just gotten worse. I know the go-to advice for dealing with alcoholics is just to leave them be and distance yourself but I can't do that. I have very little family and I feel like I need my mum and she needs me. I've tried talking to her but there's always an excuse or she just becomes defensive. I'm at my wits end. I'm already very emotional about having a baby that won't know my dad but I want my mum to be around for this one and I'm worried about her health and the drinking creeping up.

@grandadshat my mum is an alcoholic she has been most of my life she has suffered many losses, my dad and stepdad and she lost her own mother very young, and I do think she drinking to take away the pain
I have 2 very young boys and I'm pregnant with no3 and if I'm honest the only thing I found to work for us is keeping my distance, she will go a few months and stays sober but it always ends back on the drink
I don't think it will do you or your babies any good to be around her if she's just making you feel crap being around her, I honestly know how hard it is being pregnant and having toddlers and no help, but you've gotta just keep going I suppose, I know it's lonely, it's sad and it's upsetting seeing your mum like this but you've got to prioritise yourself and your babies 💐

OP I’ve been there . Having a parent who behaves like this is shit. Given my mums behaviour I wouldn’t want her to have a relationship with my children and I say that as someone with practically no other blood relatives of my own

So sorry you've both experienced this. My mum helped a lot with childcare with my first. But now the drinking has crept into the days I really don't think I could rely on her looking after this new baby unless there are some huge changes. It saddens me so much. I don't know why she keeps doing it. I don't think she realises how obvious it is to other people when she's been drinking. Sometimes she will walk around town in the middle of the day like it and I just think she's under the impression that she's acting and talking normally. But she really isn't.

She is a good person who has had some very hard times but the drinking won't help her. I try to tell her that. She says things will change but they don't. She works but as soon as she comes in from work she'll have a drink. At the weekends she will drink through the day until she falls asleep. I suspect she's depressed but she won't even consider seeking professional help. I'm just so worried and upset.

I can relate to so much of this apart from the fact my mum hasn’t provided any childcare. The fact that you can see a difference between that time and now is very telling - sounds like you’ve got good instincts. My mum also said she’ll stop then didn’t. Sounds cliche I know but unfortunately anyone with a drink problem I think has got to want to stop - your mums weekend habits I agree sound worrying OP and I feel for you- I can relate

Solidarity.

Just heard my own mum is in hospital with a head injury caused by drinking for the second time in a fortnight.

She’s on a spiral to nowhere fast.

Had a baby 18 months ago and absolutely raging at her that she’ll not see him grow up and has never been able to spend more than five supervised minutes with him.

She wasn’t like this even three years ago.

Al Anon is supposed to be useful for families.
Remember.
You didn’t cause it.
You can’t control it.
You can’t cure it.

All you can do is limit contact and focus on keeping you and your family safe and sane. She should be there for you but it’s a sad truth that she won’t be. You need to find your support elsewhere.

I looked at al anon but there are no meetings local to me. I hoped they might have some sort of online forum or support but doesn't seem to exist.

I have no siblings, cousins, anyone really except my mum, husband and child. I really do need her and she can be such a great person and mum when she's sober. She has said many times that she will cut down. I feel like sometimes I'm being too harsh because she isn't abusive when drunk, just annoying more than anything. But even so, is it too much to want to have a sober conversation with your mother without slurring and irrelevant stupid comments?

She won’t cut down if she’s an alcoholic. She can only stop if she truly and desperately wants to.
She doesn’t.
She won’t.
You must find support elsewhere.
I’m so sorry OP. It’s not fair. But that’s how it is.

OP I can only hope that at some point your mum will find the will to stop

I suppose I try to rationalise it by asking myself what an alcoholic really is. In her eyes she still works, she isn't hurting anyone, she pays her bills, she just uses alcohol to help her out with her emotions at times.

And then I wonder who am I to tell her as a grown adult not to? Obviously I have my own opinion on it and I wouldn't do it personally but I guess it all just becomes muddled. I know since my dad passed away she has annoyed a few friends with drunken remarks and being quite rude after a drink but until someone else really calls her out on it or something bad happens I don't think she will accept that she's doing anything wrong.