Red flag for SN or overthinking it?

[Redflagorworryingaboutnothing]

DH is on the autism spectrum (he has the presentation that used to be known as aspergers)

DSS (9) was diagnosed with ASD when he was 6 and our DS (3.5) was diagnosed with ASD just before his third birthday.

I have a few concerns about eldest DSS (11) but I'm not sure if I'm over thinking things or not, because of the others having autism perhaps I'm worrying unnecessarily?

He's incredibly emotional to the extent that even asking him a basic question like "What would you like to drink?" appears to set him on edge.

If anybody (me, DH or his ex) redirect him or address dangerous behaviour he will stand there and quiver, rapid breathing. Really panicking. He's not told off very often and neither parent has ever used physical discipline, ever, so his anxiety seems disproportionate.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is what sprung to mind about that.

When you ask him a question it's like he doesn't retain the information or know how to respond. An example from today:

We couldn't find DS anywhere in the house and he has form for escaping. I'm frantically checking rooms and ask DSS to check the bedroom. He stands at the bedroom door looking in and I'm calling to him "is DS in there? Is DS in there?" but he just stands in the doorway looking in, then looks at me confused, no response. I rush to the bedroom and DS is sitting on the bed within his line of sight. Its like DSS couldn't compute the required answer

When he comes home from school and me or DH ask him how his day has been it takes him a good 60 seconds to respond and he pulls these facial expressions that i'd struggle to describe properly in writing. DH referred to them 'like tics or tourettes'

He's quite immature for his age and still needs help with tying laces, washing in the shower sometimes (DH and his ex do that, not me) and getting clothes out etc.

He also seems incapable of sitting still, DH jokes about him having ants in his pants but he really does never stop. He's gone through 3 Xbox controllers this year because he jumps up and down on the spot when playing, out of excitement it seems - but that's not the norm is it surely?

When he's not on the xbox he's running around all over the place, doing little break dances and re enacting fighting games.

Does any of this raise red flags for any SN or do you think I'm worrying over nothing?

DH has never been concerned because eldest DSS is nothing like youngest DSS or our DS who are both lower functioning, if you will.

WDYT?

Could you approach it in terms of trying to get him some help with things he finds difficult? The anxiety around redirection/telling off must be pretty unpleasant for him, and the difficulties with communication must also make his life difficult. (And I can't imagine starting secondary school will make that easier.) Similarly, he may start to feel embarrassed about not being able to tie his shoes, etc.

You could suggest seeing someone about strategies to help him with his communication, for example (no mention of 'labels' from you), and if the professional then suggests an assessment, perhaps your DH or DSS's mum will be more receptive to it.

Thank you all, some good advice here on how to proceed.

As PP guessed I'm already making adaptions in how I deal with DSS11 in terms of his emotions and (suspected) rejection sensitive dysphoria.

I'll sit down with DH tomorrow and tell him what I think.