Certain titles changed to maintain anonymity.
‘Sister’ and I are very close, even though we have a really big age gap. I love her to death and would genuinely do almost anything for her.
Her 17 year old DD is, quite frankly, hideous. She’s disrespectful to the point that she has called my sister stupid in front of myself and DH, talks to her like crap, does nothing around the house, wakes up between 5-8pm (seriously), tells my sister to shut up if she even makes a noise whilst she’s commandeering the living room and playing games online, threatens her verbally and physically when faced with the prospect of the internet being switched off/devices confiscated, etc. She is addicted to screens and the internet to such a degree that she has become nocturnal, has disengaged with everyone, has no friends in the real world etc. She refuses to seek help or talk to someone, has demanded my sister move out (my sister rents her house from DD father, who sees her rarely because DD has decided that she hates him)
This is really upsetting for me and I stand up for my sister at every opportunity, ensuring her DD knows that treating her mother that way is not even remotely okay and she should be so lucky to even have a mother who loves her. My ‘sister’ lost her own mum when she was a teenager so it’s clear that she wants to give her own DD as much love as possible, but her DD is spoiled and entitled. My ‘sister’ has very little money over after all essentials are paid for, but DD still expects her to pay for pretty much everything. She refuses to get a job, is refusing to go back to college and only cares about playing games and messaging boys online. She’s sending pictures of herself, getting into seriously worrying situations on social media etc. My ‘sister’ is terrified for her and I can’t blame her, but she has absolutely no control over her DD.
The behaviour has now transferred to all adults in authority. I took DD shopping a few months ago because my sister doesn’t have the money to do that sort of thing. DD did her best to take advantage, adding more things to the till until I told her that I wasn’t the bank of bloody England (I spent £150 on her and took her and my sister for lunch at a very expensive restaurant). Later that day, she came for a walk with DH, myself, dogs and DS in pram. Started talking about some situation with people online, after 45 minutes I said quite gently that she needed to try and let it go because to the wrong person, she could sound a little obsessive. In these situations, she is the instigator not the victim. She screamed at me in the street and only apologised when I told my sister about it later on.
Her DD’s behaviour is so bad that DH and I do not want her around our own DS, who is less than a year old. I don’t trust her and I’m genuinely afraid she could hurt him simply because she isn’t the baby in our family any more. If she grows up, bucks her ideas up and the change is seemingly permanent then of course, we would love her to be included in DS life. However, I don’t feel comfortable having her in the same house as DS, let along having her for Christmas etc. It’s our first Christmas as a family and I know my ‘sister’s’ DD will ruin it. I also don’t want to come across as condoning her awful treatment of my sister; I feel that allowing her to come for Christmas will only reinforce the idea that she can do whatever she wants and get away with it.
However, I’m also worried that I could lose my relationship with my sister if I say that I don’t want anything to do with her DD. I love my sister so much but I can’t bear to watch her keep going through this. AIBU to not want her in DS life until she gets her act together she stops abusing my sister?