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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to not restrict SEN DD social media despite bulling?

26 replies

Bargoed · 03/09/2021 05:18

Have a DD16 who has a mild LD and Asd - she has been bullied on social media causing issues at school but it is practically her only peer social outlet except for a sport she plays.

The implcation from school is is that she shouldn't be on social media - which I can understand makes it easier for them but in my mind is just another form of social isolation that people with disabilities are supposed to suck up and in today's digital age another form of exclusion.

We talk Extensively about the rules but with Asd her social judgment is obviously not the best, she post little but she does talk to friends on there.

What are your experiences of restricting/comming off social media of your young adults?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bargoed · 03/09/2021 05:21

I do realise it opens her up to bullying but at the moment I think the social benefits outweigh that

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itsgettingwierd · 03/09/2021 05:26

What's the schools stance on stopping the cyber bullies who are commiting a crime?

If all she's doing is chatting why should she have to some off to stop the bullies?

Why should she have to isolate herself so she isn't bullied?

If someone is bullying her screenshot and report to the police.

Balonzette · 03/09/2021 05:33

Go to the police. Cyber bullying is a crime.

Original poster
Bargoed · 03/09/2021 05:36

Been to the police and reported as a hate crime.

She was joined to a 'live' by a girl from the school who had bullied her but was then friendly so my DD thought she was being a 'friend' - this girl then procecced to humiliate DD in front of this girl's friends. My DD didn't react well and said some unfortunate things.

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icklekid · 03/09/2021 06:07

I would allow her to use but restrict to friends/those who she can trust to be kind and talk to her lots about sharing with you what is said/monitor her use carefully. If it’s causing her more upset than enjoyment I would suggest a pause and come back to it in 6 months or so

lannistunut · 03/09/2021 06:11

My DD didn't react well and said some unfortunate things.

This could mean many different things - and may be why school is advising she is not on social media? What your DD does online will potentially have consequences for her.

Are you willing to give more info about what your DD said?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/09/2021 06:12

This is difficult. I am a teacher and had a pupil in my class last year with SEN, who was prolific on sm but didn't use it appropriately.

She bombarded other pupils with unwanted messages which only intensified when they asked her to stop. She posted angry and upsetting messages on their posts. She posted things that an NT child would never post - personal, embarrassing things about herself and her family.

Other parents were asking us how they should advise their children to respond to her. If they ignored her, it intensified and her parents said the ignoring was bullying. If they blocked her, she found them on other platforms and her parents said the blocking was unkind and cruel and impacted her mental health. If they replied in an exasperated way - as teenagers can do sometimes - her parents took screenshots and said it was bullying.

At school we do a lot of work around esafety and your online footprint. We held extra sessions for small groups that included her. We had 1:1 personalised sessions. It took up such a huge amount of time and still isn't resolved really. In the end, we were also tentatively suggesting that she may not yet be developmentally ready to use sm and might be better coming off it.

I'm not saying your dd is like this but the whole experience is informing how I'm reading your post.

Original poster
Bargoed · 03/09/2021 06:38

@fourminutestosavetheworld - she only had a phone at 14 and did behave in a more limited way as you describe initially - so we had a 6 month break and now she only uses it for friends she knows. This girl pretended to be her friend.

I do think she lacks the emotional maturity in many ways but a bit like shopping on your own or using public transport not really sure how you can get proficient at social media without using it to be honest? We do talk alot about safety online and I trust her not to post inappropriate pictures its more in the subtle social areas that it's hard both to police and teach with Asd

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lannistunut · 03/09/2021 06:58

but a bit like shopping on your own or using public transport not really sure how you can get proficient at social media without using it to be honest? I guess the difficult and upsetting question is - at what point do you stop trying and accept that isn't something an individual can get proficient at?

Some children never can use public transport etc.

I do not know the answer but are you sure your DD can learn what is needed or is sm just not right for her?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 03/09/2021 07:32

"do think she lacks the emotional maturity in many ways but a bit like shopping on your own or using public transport not really sure how you can get proficient at social media without using it to be honest?"

The thing about shopping and public transport is that you would probably supervise a gradual introduction before giving her free, unfettered access.

You would accompany her shopping, and then take her shopping but allow her to go off and meet friends for a few hours before returning to you, and then make her own way to meet friends for an afternoon. If any stage ended in disaster, you'd go back to the previous stage.

Many children go from 'no internet' to 'full access to the entire internet' with very little in between and, once exposed, react badly to it being removed.

What might be a 'step back' in her sm use I wonder. Only having a limited number of sm apps, only using it between agreed times, allowing you to access her phone to check appropriate use until you are confident? I honestly don't know, I am just wondering out loud. I guess it is like anything though - you don't allow children to do things just because everyone else is doing it, or because they want it, you do it when they are developmentally ready to cope with it imo.

Original poster
Bargoed · 03/09/2021 07:54

@fourminutestosavetheworld

Its not supervised as such as she is entitled to a certain amount of privacy as a young adult. She does however post very little and all her accounts are private

She only usually interact with either girls from her sport or friends - this girl is from a new 6th form they are attending but knows lots of the people who have bullied my DD in RL school a few years ago.

Shes been online all through lockdown with only a few things that have made me talk to her and get her to block people.

I do talk to her a lot and yes I do think it's borderline. Hence asking the question so appreciate the imput. I'm just very aware of how much of teens social life is one especially now

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EmeraldShamrock · 03/09/2021 08:37

That is awful.
I'd probably take her off SM if it really damaged her MH SN or not.
The school needs to help sort it too.

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 08:43

What did you dd say that was inappropriate

EmeraldShamrock · 03/09/2021 09:05

She was joined to a 'live' by a girl from the school who had bullied her but was then friendly so my DD thought she was being a 'friend' - this girl then procecced to humiliate DD in front of this girl's friends. My DD didn't react well and said some unfortunate things.
That girl needs a good talking too. She was very cruel knowing full well DD has SN.
Could you speak to the girls parents?
I know it is difficult my DD is 12 with similar diagnosis I'm dreading all this, luckily she has cousins in the area who will look out for her.
They're so innocent it is heartbreaking.

lannistunut · 03/09/2021 09:08

@Miniroofbox

What did you dd say that was inappropriate
Think this is important in determining whether it is a good idea to remain on SM.
Original poster
Bargoed · 03/09/2021 09:42

It's too outing but it was personal and uncalled for about the other girls mental health. It is one of the reasons I'm considering this so much.

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Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 09:50

That’s not appropriate at all. I’d be taking her off social media. Sorry. I kno you’re in a tough situation.

Original poster
Bargoed · 03/09/2021 09:55

The problem then becomes I'm punishing her for being bullied

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Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 09:57

No you’re not. You’re taking her off social media because she’s not able to cope with it emotionally. Plus. She was nasty to someone else which has consequences.

Tal45 · 03/09/2021 10:04

I don't think you should take her off because she was treated badly. However she she needs to know how she should have handled it instead and that needs a lot of discussion IMO. You're not going to be able to police her on SM forever I assume so I think the best thing is to spend a lot of time talking about it now and how to handle a multitude of different situations that might arise and cause her problems. If you can get her to talk to you any time she is unsure about something or upset by something that would really help - but I realise it's not always easy at that age.

Porcupineintherough · 03/09/2021 10:05

Is it not appropriate to be nasty to someone who sets out to trap and humiliate you? Should she have responded with kisses?

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 11:12

She should have gone to an adult.

Original poster
Bargoed · 03/09/2021 11:26

Well just had long conversation with the policewoman dealing and who knows exactly what was said and the circumstances. She was with @porcupineintherough and said as she can see that there was extreem provocation it wasn't that extreme a response. She also thinks you need to do social media to lern how to behave.

I frankly was surprised as I thought she would be far more in the camp of restriction

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Tomnooktoldmeto · 03/09/2021 11:37

So your DD gave the bully a mouthful of home truths, well done to your DD it’s about time some of these frenamies got a taste of their own medicine

My DD also an Aspie suffered at the hands of one of these nasty little bullies even though we had everything locked down, she got in via a friend

The attitude on this thread is of victim blaming, your DD has every right to be on social media she did nothing wrong but gave the bully a dose back, hopefully she’ll learn from it

Just check DD has her settings locked down tight or as we do use an anonymous name to stay completely private and use it as a teaching moment, perhaps if the bullies parents did she wouldn’t have been a bully and got a taste of her own medicine

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/09/2021 11:42

My 17 yo DD has ASD.
She left SM voluntarily a few years ago due to “the constant drama”
She currently plays online games she downloads off Steam with her friends and they chat over Discord while playing. So she has social interaction but without the ability for people to join and be (in her words) “shit stirrers” (my DD is very blunt).

Perhaps look into transitioning your DD and her friends to discord? You can stop the SM without taking away her social interaction.