On the fence/didn't want kids - do you regret it?

[ttcissoboring]

Inspired by another obvious thread.

It seems that every thread I read expressing regret for children the regret comes from those who were adamant they wanted children. Perhaps they went into with rose tinted I don't know?

I have never seen someone comment to say they were on the fence/didn't want kids and then had them and regret them - they seem to usually enjoy the experience more.

Is this because those who were reluctant thought about all the bad parts more thoroughly so we're less shocked/found it easier than expected?

Keen to hear from those who's were on the fence initially and then had DC.

How have you found it? Better, the same or worse than your expectations?

I always wanted kids but after fertility issues and a MMC, I changed my opinion to on the fence. I realised I Ioved our life. The lie ins, travelling, I had hobbies and career goals, I have great friends, good relationship. I felt very fulfilled. I would visit my friends with kids, love playing with them, but then I was very happy to leave and go back to my peaceful home. DH and I used to say how that's one benefit for us. We like our quiet time. But a part of me still wanted kids enough to do icsi, I wanted a family and I just pictured children in my life but we were at the stage that if it didn't work, then fair enough. Least we tried.
Icsi worked first time. DS is 13 months old and I have no regrets. I'm even considering a second!

Was firmly in the no kids zone, then got told I probably couldn't have them which brought me to the fence/what will be will be and now have a 4yr old.

Pregnancy was neither here now there, pretty much in denial the whole way but this then made it a struggle to bond when baby arrived as it wasn't 'real'. It was Massively harder than I could of imagined or thought it would be but I think this is true of most new/1st time parents. I was also truly clueless about babies which very much came to light once they arrived!! It was much worse than I expected and asked myself many times 'is this worth it'. I had PND although not severe. Baby did have allergies/colic/reflux though which compounded everything.

Now LO is like my best buddy, he dotes on me (which is both adorable and exhausting!) and I'm really glad we had a child. It's brought life experience to me that I personally dont feel I would get any other way. Lo's taught me just how resilient I am and can be, what my body can do, how precious life is, how important wider family are, a greater compassion and empathy for others. Its also amazing to see them show kindness to others and teach them things.

Parenting is Hard (for me anyway!) scary at times, overwhelming, full of worry, exhausting, second guessing yourself but I also found bits of me that I didn't know existed and feel a more rounded person for having a child.

I genuinely think I would habe been happy without children as I couldn't have grasped what they bring to your life so would have loved in ignorant bliss..... With plenty of sleep!

I could have taken or left having kids TBH, and I had 2 as ExH REALLY wanted them. I regretted it for a loooooong time but slowly but surely I've grown to enjoy their company and be happy I had them and I'm letting go of the resentment I have for giving up a free life that I absolutely loved.

Funnily enough exH is useless father, sees them EOW and even that's too much. We've switched our mindsets really.

Mines only 1 so probably too early to say, but so far I have found it both 100% worse and 100% better than expected

I was a bit on the fence. I don't regret it but I wouldn't have been devastated if had been told I couldn't have them. There are great bits and awful bits. I think your overall attitude to life determines happiness really, not the shape of it in terms of children and partners etc.

Never wanted kids, really had zero interest in anything to do with kids, didn’t like kids at all. Hit 35 and suddenly decided I didn’t want to regret not having them/all my friends had them (both good solid reasons to bring children into the world). Had one and 36 and another at 39. I don’t regret it for a moment and so far (they are 6 and 3) it’s exceeded all my (admittedly low) expectations. I would like 8 hours sleep in a row just once though 😬

I was on the fence but ultimately realised I did want a child.

I’ve found it much much harder than I could ever have imagined. But I love DD more than words can say and have no regrets.

However

• We made the choice to stick at one child
• We are all in good health, DD is fairly easy with no additional needs
• We have enough money so can afford to do stuff to make our lives easier (I admit to buying M&S sandwiches to eat in the park when I can’t face making lunch or cleaning up )
• We have supportive local family who are willing to babysit
• I have a good career that could be continued on a flexible & part time basis
• DH is hands on and a good dad
• I’ve retained my main hobby outside motherhood (cycling), and due to having a supportive DH, local family who help out & being able to afford paid childcare I do still get time for myself, although the juggle can be tricky & I suffer horribly with “mum guilt” when I take time for myself even though I know it’s best for everyone

Totally acknowledge these circumstances enable me to enjoy motherhood (for the most part at least )

I was quite young when I unexpectedly had ds. None of my friends had kids and I was in a shit situation, bad relationship and in short it wasn't ideal. During pregnancy I worried that I would miss out and that my friends would stop bothering with me once I had a baby (some did, most didn't). I knew I wouldn't be able to go out partying or on holidays and it all seemed quite depressing.

Once he was born I realised none of that really mattered and I genuinely had no regrets. I adapted to life as a mum and I enjoyed it. I still got to go out occasionally but my ds always came first and in the end it became less appealing to me anyway.

He's 10 now and I'm pregnant with number 2. This time I'm not worried about missing out on social things, I'm worried about missing out on sleep!!!!

I was firmly in the no kids camp for a long time, then on the fence and decided to let nature takes it course (didn’t actively try to get pregnant, just stopped contraception).

Absolutely the best non-decision I ever made! They amaze me every day. They drive me absolutely insane too but I wouldn’t be without them now.

I wonder if it’s because those who change their minds/sit on the fence are perhaps a bit older when they have kids so feel like they’re missing out on less? I already saw a lot less of my friends because they already had kids. My career was sorted. I’d travelled a lot. I was very much done with clubbing.

Oh & the person I know who struggles most with motherhood went to great lengths (ivf) to have very very much wanted kids. (In fairness to her her kids are still very young so hopefully things will improve for her once they sleep etc)

I was somewhere between don’t want children and ambivalent
DH did and talked me round
No instant love or bond but it grew over first year
DH got broody quickly and it wasn’t as bad as I thought so went for DC2 quickly (17 months apart)
He was an absent parent due to his job but did a bit when around and was very loving
Left me for OW when they were 4 and 5
I’ve been single for past 25 years!
I’m so glad I had DC they are a huge part of my life - it was so much easier than I thought even on my own

I was in the didn't want kids camp. Had 2 at 39. Struggled like hell for the first 3 years as a solo parent. Regretted it massively, although always loved my DDs so very much.
It's getting better now.

I was on the fence, had fab lifestyle and was enjoying myself. No strong maternal instincts, it was partner who was much more keen.

DC12 and DC14 and yes, sometimes it has been really tough and bloody difficult. Money was very tight at one point. The change to my life was immense and hard to adapt to.

But despite the teenage years and the challenges that brings....in the most they are a pleasure and I love their personalities, sense of humour and the young adults they are becoming. I am starting to learn from them and their view of the world. They are helping me grow as a person. Seeing things through their eyes I hope keeps my mind open. They fascinate and amaze me. Every day is different.

I was never bothered but once we'd been married for several years we decided that we would probably regret not doing it in later life. So we had 1.

It's been harder than I ever could have imagined. Although quite frankly I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

We have very little family help but we're doing ok. Ours is 6 now and at a great age. I hated the early years though, I sound like a broken record as I always say the same thing on these threads

I wasn’t that fussed about having kids but OH wanted to and I think seeing our friends having families made me lean towards wanting to join them. There were many bits I expected to be a bit rubbish particularly when the kids were teeny. It was hard work but I was surprised how many parts of having a baby I loved. I suspect it is true that lower expectations help in stopping you feeling regret or disappointment

I was on the fence. Waited quite a long time and then got pregnant as soon as came of contraception which was a massive shock. I cried every day of pregnancy as I thought I'd ruined my life.

Things I found worse than I thought -
The lack of control. I struggled not being able to plan my day with young kids
No time to myself. That was the thing we both found hardest
Sexism is much more apparent when you're a parent
Lack of decent holidays. For me this is the second hardest thing after lack of free time to mentally recharge
Whinging and moaning when you've spent your day doing something shit and child centred
Nursery and school runs. It's just a giant chunk of dead unproductive time right in the middle of the afternoon

Things I found better than expected
I dreaded changing nappies, I'm totally squeamish but baby poo and sick didnt bother me
I laugh every day, proper belly laughs, they are hilarious
All the moments like Christmas mornings school plays etc make me really emotional (normally I'm emotionally inert)
Seeing the relationship my kids have with grandparents has brought something to the relationship I have with my parents as well.
I love my sleep but didnt find the sleep deprivation to be as bad as I'd thought, I never knew I could physically cope on 90 min unbroken sleep a night.

Overall though for me it's kind of like a toxic relationship, one absolutely amazing happiest ever moment to every 10 spirit crushing mundane drudgery moments. I'm pretty sure I'd have been as happy without kids though.

The thing which makes a massive difference though is how supportive your partner is. If someone doesn't do their share of night feeds and house chores and nursery runs and emergency holiday for the kids sick days and bedtime routines, it will make a challenging time into a shit time that you resent your partner for forever

Didn’t want any at all, snuck one in at 41. Absolutely love it!

I thought pregnancy would be hideous, birth would kill me and that looking after a baby would be torture. I thought toddlers were the work of the devil.

I loved pregnancy, birth was good in hindsight (thought I was dying though) and I loved the baby bit and really love having a toddler. DD is a delight, an absolutely amazing person.

I still dislike other peoples kids though on the whole. We have no family help either, but don’t need it either.

I was pretty sure I wouldn't be having children, as I'd reached the age of 37 without them. But I met DH and we have DD now.

I mourned my pre-DD life hard. It's been pretty excruciating, and I've been plagued with regret at times, exacerbated by COVID. But a year in, I've found my stride, and we're trying for another baby.

I always thought I'd have kids once I got into my 30s and always saw myself having a family but once I got into my 30s I kept putting it off and then became on the fence. I loved my life lies ins, independence, travel, late nights etc. We started trying for a baby when I was 37 and had the attitude of if it didn't happen we would just have an expensive holiday every year and I really wasn't bothered either way.

Although I love my DD to bits it's so so so much harder than I thought, she is three now and it hasn't got easier just the challenges it brings have changed (I now have more sleep but have to put up with the tantrums).

I miss my old life. I don't think many people will answer that they regret having kids because of the love you have for them and I feel so guilty that I almost didn't post. Good luck in your decision.

I think sometimes it's not that you don't want children, it's that you don't want them with the person you are with.

On the other hand, there is no law that says you have to have a child to be fulfilled.

My sister was married for 17 years to her first husband. hey were adamant that they didn't want children. They were more like brother and sister than husband and wife.

One day they split up and both of them had been seeing other people. Within a year they both had a baby with the new partner

I agree. Fully on the fence, and super relaxed and happy with our monster. I think you don’t romanticise it so have more realistic expectations.

Didn't particularly want kids- the urge was more biological than nuturing/emotional, but I'm so much happier for having them, I've grown a lot as a person and they make everything that little bit better and more purposeful.

Was in no kids zone until 36, changed my mind after some family events, had a chat with DH (been together 16 years at that point) and he was happy to go along with it.
Took four years and lots of heartache but we have a DS aged 2.

I don’t regret it for a second. Absolutely love it. But we own our home and have travelled extensively, done all the things we’d want to do, and don’t really have anything to worry about aside from raising DS so perhaps that’s part of it. He’s added extra to our lives.

Also I have a DH who is a fully involved 50/50 parent and that makes a massive difference to how you feel on a day to day basis. We each get a break.

I also think a lot of people who are on the fence are people who have good careers and interests outside of motherhood.

In my case, these were two of the reasons why I was on the fence. But my good career has allowed me to afford decent childcare and continue working (while still pocketing a decent amount of cash) plus I was high enough up in my company to negotiate a flexible package after maternity leave.

Whereas if I was in a lower paid job I may have been forced to quit work either because of the cost of childcare or lack of flexibility on offer.

The fact I have a hobby outside of motherhood has given me a focus away from being a mum and has been invaluable for my mental health. Having time away from being a mum helps me enjoy the time I do have with my DD.

Again, the fact I can afford childcare (and have a supportive DH) facilitates me having time for my hobby.

I always wanted to adopt a child. I never wanted a biological child.
Got with my ex husband, and after about a year and 2 months I fell pregnant with my now 3-year-old. My fault really, but my ex husband was also very emotionally manipulative. Anyway, found out I was pregnant and told my ex husband. He immediately said he wanted me to “get rid of it”. I then dug my heels in and said no, I wanted to keep the baby.
Had my son a few months later, got diagnosed with PND and doctors suspected I had PTSD but no diagnosis came of it (very traumatic birth).
Ex husband became more emotionally, mentally and financially abusive. I finally left him in 2019 and met my current partner. Ex husband isn’t allowed contact with my son.

I don’t regret my son, I regret who I had him with and do sometimes feel like I was in over my head because being a parent to a clingy child when you have mental health issues is hard. Really hard.