grandparent keeps making digs aibu?

[evie34]

i have a 5 month old baby. she’s my first and i’m quite protective of her after an incident in which my grandma pushed her pram and nearly stepped out into an oncoming bus. i grabbed the pram in time but since then i’m very cautious.

she is really starting to get to me. she keeps making digs because i say no when she asks to push the pram, she also keeps trying to give my baby chocolate, etc.

if i let someone else hold my baby she’ll make a dig about ‘ooh you’re lucky, i don’t get to hold her for that long!’ which is a load of shit - i visit her multiple times a week and stay for hours to keep her company and she holds her as much as she wants in that time. she’s just had visitors and when they left they said aw are you going to take the baby for a walk? and my grandma said ‘no op doesn’t let me push the pram she’s very possessive’. she also makes digs about how i won’t leave my baby in her care for 20 minutes while i pop to the shops - that’s because she has had multiple falls etc (she’s over 80) and i don’t want to leave my baby in her care knowing i might find them both on the floor, i don’t see how i’m wrong for taking this precaution?

aside from that she also calls my baby a naughty girl etc when she cries. she’s 5 months old it’s her only way of communicating, she’s not being naughty she’s just being a baby? and i don’t want her being called naughty for that. i’ve said to my gm before can you stop telling her off for crying and she does it again the next time.

just makes me feel so awkward and i’d like to know if iabu or no?

YANBU. Next time she tells people you’re being possessive about pushing the pram say loudly ‘no nan, it’s because last time you nearly pushed her in front of a vehicle.’

Well I would stop visiting her multiple times a week for a start that seems excessive to me.

If she says anything tell her you are fed up of her attitude. It sounds like you hold all of the cards here.

I’d definitely say something like Heechul suggests if she repeats the possessive comment. That’s just plain rude.

Otherwise, I’d have a very frank conversation with her about her abilities and how they might not be as robust as she thinks/are necessary when it comes to looking after a little one independently. I’d repeat the request about not referring to the crying as naughty. Reinforce by saying you both enjoy coming to see her for a chat and some tea etc and that she’s always welcome at yours.

I’d also be seeing if you could get her peripheral vision/eyesight tested given the bus incident! Blimey, that must have been terrifying for you all!

Respond to her passive-aggressive comments openly and honestly, but try to sound calm and factual with your replies, especially around other people. Enough responses may eventually get the message to her that she can’t get away with it and hopefully she’ll stop. Reward any good behaviour from her, with smiles, encouragement and letting her be involved with the baby.
Parenting has changed a lot over the years and if your grandmother has done something to endanger your DC, you’re simply following your instincts to protect her. That’s the right thing to do and your DC is number one.

I’d carry on as you are with not letting her push the pram or watch her. I’d visit less so you’re not party to remarks that annoy you.

I’d let stuff like “naughty” slide: the five month old is not going to learn that she’s naughty, understand, or care. Different generations had different attitudes: my MIL called my baby “a little madam” at about two months, can’t remember what baby milestone she decided was an attitude problem 🤪. A friend’s grandma called her baby “greedy” because she fed on demand, and “spoiled” because she was in a sling. Just laugh it off.

@HeechulOppa

YANBU. Next time she tells people you’re being possessive about pushing the pram say loudly ‘no nan, it’s because last time you nearly pushed her in front of a vehicle.’

Some things just have to be said!

The calling her naughty thing gives me the creeps!

Part of my family do this, and they clearly… SURELY… don’t ACTUALLY think the baby is being naughty. They’re just projecting an adult thing onto a baby. Like you might onto a pet. But it creeps. Me. Out.

Oh god, I bet they do do it to animals too! Say a dog jumped up, instead of saying “down” they would say “will you pack it in”.

They use some odd and inappropriate language beyond this actually, which I really hope your Gran doesn’t.

Speak up, every single time.
"You held her all afternoon grandma"
"You aren't stable enough on your feet to be left in charge of a baby"
"No, you can't push her, you forgot yourself and almost pushed her under a bus".
I have form for tiptoeing around elderly relatives, but not where the safety of a baby is concerned.
Ita nice by the way that you are close to your grandmother and visit regularly.

Definitely visit this woman a lot less! She doesn't sound like she's good company for you and doesn't deserve you!

I agree with calming responding to each thing she says. Especially in company.

Stick to your guns. Presumably she can hold the baby whilst sitting in an armchair. That will have to be enough. She's lucky to even have a great=grandchild!

Stop visiting

YANBU
I really wouldn’t trust her ability at all and I think she’s actually being very selfish.
Horrible fact but babies have been dropped/fallen on and have died.
Always trust your gut instinct when it comes to your baby.
Calling a 5 month baby naughty when it’s crying is ridiculous and idiotic.

Why are you visiting her so often? It sounds rather OTT.

@HeechulOppa

YANBU. Next time she tells people you’re being possessive about pushing the pram say loudly ‘no nan, it’s because last time you nearly pushed her in front of a vehicle.’

Yes do this.

It's normal to be protective as it is without having that to worry about too!

Well it’s boundaries, innit? Time to make some, reinforce them verbally (like a broken record) and introduce penalties if they get trodden on.

‘Nan, it’s comments like that that make me think twice about coming here as often as I’d like. I don’t need you to understand or agree with my reasons, I just need you to stop doing it.’

‘We’ve spoken about this before- c’mon, it’s getting boring.’

‘Right, well you’re clearly in a contrary mood. We might go to the park now and visit you again when you’re feeling up to company.’

All said in a calm, casual tone. Smile, and mean it. Don’t be drawn into arguments. If you need backup, say vaguely that it’s (the behaviour she’s complaining about) not recommended by the HV. Or ‘really not done these days’.

@TakeMeToKernow thats a bit extreme reaction to words

it's really nice of you to make so much time to spend time with the woman - but as PPs have said, you do have to be up front with her about why she isn't going to push the pram, etc.
And whatever age your daughter is - if you don't speak up and stop the "naughty" comments now, it will be a problem when she does understand in a couple of years' time.

I think you need to stop visiting her so much, it’s clearly stressing you out. I think it’s perfectly normal for you not to want to leave a woman in her 80s with a baby. Your child is your first priority and if you offend your Grandma than that’s her problem I’m afraid.

Well of course you are not being unreasonable and actually are being a good parent AND granddaughter.

Nan clearly also can (could or did) raise children but styles parent to parent and generation to generation are different, she is also not interested in acknowledging her health limitations.

Agree with others,cut back on amount of visits and keep them short as well.Your baby comes first now,devote more time to her.

Why are you visiting someone like this so frequently?
Sounds like easiest thing would be to just see them less?

YADNBU and I admire you for not being bullied by her. It is fair that she gets to hold DD while you're there but you won't leave her. What if you hadn't been there when.she was pushing the pram? Makes me go cold. Keep the courage of your convictions, OP. Also you are right about the 'naughty' comment and it being the only way she can communicate. I hate your nan's attitude - it's so sad that people think like that.

Grrr I hate people telling me what to do with my baby. It’s your baby and you do whatever is needed to protect her. End of story. If it’s not one thing it will be another thing that your grandma gets annoyed with.

Why are you pandering to this horrid woman? I wouldn't be holding my tongue, and I definitely wouldn't be visiting her so bloody often. Once every few weeks is more than enough.

@worriedatthemoment has nothing ever given you The Ick? A perfectly normal thing made the hair on the back of your neck stand up? I’m sure I went through a period of having an extreme reaction to my ExDH breathing

You are in the right and don’t be persuaded otherwise by her!!!