Grandparent rivalry

[RiversideAnne]

I had a baby at the end of last year. He’s an absolute delight, the light of my life.

Before I had him, I received an insane amount of pressure from my mum about ‘giving her’ grandchildren. She drove me absolutely up the wall with it. At one point she lost it completely and told me through wracking sobs that me not having children would be the worst thing I could possibly do to her.

I spent many years shutting these conversations down and just refusing to engage with them, but they took their toll on me and were hard to deal with.

Anyway - the baby is now here, and as above, the best little thing in the world. And it has really surprised me, but my mum just isn’t that bothered. She asks after him a lot and clearly loves him, and she will give him a cuddle when we visit, but she’s never been a hands on grandparent. Won’t change a nappy or get down on the floor to play with him, not really interested in taking him out etc. My dad is even more hands off - he’s a ‘benign pat on the head as he passes’ kind of grandparent.

This is all absolutely fine by me - they’re lovely people and great parents. They’re perfectly nice to my baby, I know they love him, and I don’t expect them to do nappies etc. It’s a very stable and straightforward situation.

It is, however, very different to the relationship my in-laws have with him. They simply adore him, and they are so hands on. They do any and all practical jobs, they do whatever they can to give me a break by taking him out etc, they play with him and chat to him and do all sorts with him. He loves them and is really, really comfortable in their presence.

So this situation would be great, except I’m now getting weird pushback from my mum about it. If I ever mention that we did something with my in-laws, she gets shirty about the fact that we didn’t do the same with my parents. Despite the fact that I try, but my parents refuse invitations all the time! If I share a photo of the baby at my in-laws house she asks if we’re there AGAIN. She’s started making comments about how I mustn’t think my dad doesn’t love the baby just because he never comes to see him.

It’s getting exhausting. She wants to be the ‘primary’ grandparent (her words!), but she’s not putting in the work. And her jealous comments are becoming more frequent. I’m second guessing everything I say and not showing her things we’ve done or telling her where we’ve been if it involves the in-laws because she gets so difficult about it.

Is there any better way of dealing with this? I’m close to losing my rag because it feels like I can never do anything right. Do I just keep hiding anything done with the in-laws from her? Or do I find a way to tell her that if she wants to be seen as the world’s greatest grandparent, she has to behave like it first?

Tell her to like it or lump it.
A relationship with a baby can’t be forced. You need the effort to be put in.

So she actually doesn't think you should do things with the inlaws who want to be involved - because she can't be bothered but still expects to be primary grandparent... mad!

I'm afraid I'd have to be blunt. You don't mind how much they are involved but you're not going to turn others away in some weird competition...

You just have to tell her. But unfortunately she won't listen and will make it out to be your fault if she's the sort to be so dramatic about you not having children, as you say in your OP. She seems to want all the good bits without putting in the work. You need to be really clear with her and take any more of this shit, and talk to her just the two of you less if all she does is drips problems in your ear.

"Mum, you can't be "primary grandparent". DS has four grandparents and none are more important than another. All four of you can spend as much time with him as you want when we are free to do it, and you all get equal offers. You and dad either need to take those offers up and make the most of them, and understand that when you don't that we aren't going to not go to PIL's to "even out" the time he sees each for.". Then when she brings it up again that you've dared go to PIL's with DS remind her again then tell her you're going to have to go if she's going to keep wasting your time talking about it every time you talk to her.

So funny you should say this my DIL expected her family to be hands on its turned out to be us more than them. However I am very careful not to rub it in. It's a tight rope to be honest

I'd be very blunt and say to your DM Well, you can't be bothered to come and see him that much. You're not very hands on with the baby, so of course you're not the "primary" grandparent! Don't be daft. Neither you nor Dad seems particularly interested in babysitting or taking him out - which is fine - but you can't then complained because the in-laws want to.

Yanbu!
I guess she is jealous, but it's her own fault, she can't expect you to lessen time with in law's just to even it out. She needs to step up her game to be more involved. Just tell her she is welcome whenever you're free but leave it at that. No need to get in an argument or competition.

Grandparent jealousy is definitely a thing! My mum used to behave really weirdly when I told her about anything we'd done with my in-laws, even though we see the in-laws a lot less often than we see my parents (as they live further away).

I think it's a "grey rock", "nod and smile" situation. Don't change anything you're doing. Don't react to her comments, and try not to let them bother you. Think of a few neutral sentences to use (eg if she says "you mustn’t think your dad doesn’t love the baby just because he never comes to see him", you say "I know dad loves the baby"). Hopefully she will calm down as the baby gets older (mine did).

I honestly think you need to just have it out with her.

I'm guessing this is her first grandchild? I think there is something about adjusting peoples positions in the family when the first GC arrives. You giving birth redefines her position as matriarch. The power shifts from her towards you, and this can be a challenge for some.

I had similar and had to push back very firmly. Massive row ensued. I think it all just needed to come out. Things are much better now.

Just tell her what you have said here. The other grandparents are hands on, help out, make the effort to build a relationship

She hasn’t, so who would you bother with her when you need support

Your mum needs to understand that Granny on the maternal side doesn't have automatic dibs on 'primary ' grandparent.
Fair and sensible people treat all grandparents equally. Whether the child views them equally will depend on the input from the individual grandparent.

She sounds selfish. Or at the very least accustomed to making everything about her.
IME I would not have it out with her. It will not end well.
Just tell her less about the other GPs.

Google 'grey rock'.

She sounds as if she is more about the appearance of things than the actual relationship with your baby, OP. If so she will feel content if she perhaps can tell other people that she saw him or visited him, or spent Christmas with him, etc. etc. But the actual experience of relating to him is either foreign to her or secondary. Was this your experience growing up with her too, OP? Was it all mainly for show or so she could kids herself she was a good mother? She sounds hard work and not at all empathetic.

What your mother doesn't know can't hurt her. Stop sending photos from the inlaws house. Don't tell her if you've been out with them unless she specifically asks. If she gets shirty tell her to grow up.

My PIL have never been hands on with my children even though I have suggested that MIL (who didn't work at the time) could take child/ren out for couple hours to help me. She didn't. Just cried and said she didn't dare to in case something happened! WTF?! I said it's no different to when she had her kids to care for only she gets to hand them over at the end. She never helped me. Now my kids are teens and they have no relationship with PIL at all. I used to be sad about it but kids make up there own minds and can see who gives them love. It's the same with SIL she was all hands on to start with until my kids got to about 3/4 then she turned funny with us and didn't have anything to do with kids after that. Kids often used to ask about her. What can you say? Oh sorry kids relations can just come and go, give you love one minute then never to be seen again. I have never relied on anyone to help raise my kids and I don't feel that my kids have lost out at all.

I could have written this about my family. The pressure and weirdness from my mum to let her be the main grandparent, and the total lack of interest once the kids were actually here. My pils are wonderful and as involved as they can be, my mum is very jealous. She likes the idea of being a hands on gp, but it's too much effort in reality.

I can't lie, it's difficult and hurtful at times! I'm just honest with her 'we saw pil because they rang and arranged it' 'you didn't want to come so we invited them' etc.

It's all on her and my dad so I try not to worry about it, and keep inviting them and pointing out that they are the ones choosing to miss out.

Similar situation here! We live 3-4 hours away from both sets of grandparents and my in laws (although 10+ years older than my parents) have made lots of effort to come and see us every few months and spend time with DD. They also send messages regularly asking how she is, ask for photos, FaceTime us a few times a week etc. Whilst my DP will do lots with her when they see her, they don’t make the effort to come and see us (have visited us once in the first year of her life only) and ask about her once a month or so. If I send pics I often don’t get replies and yet DM gets funny if I mention in laws are visiting ‘again’. I just repeat ‘they love her’ ‘they love spending time with her’ ‘they want to spend time with her’ etc etc over and over and don’t go into too much detail about what we’re doing. Can’t please everyone!

Ah yes. MIL wanted to be a Grandmother. Wanted to be seen pushing a pram. Showed photos off to her friends. Talked about her GC non-stop. Showed them off when she got the chance. But hands-on? Nah. It was all about being part of an exclusive club.

Wearing, isn't it? All you can do is work with what you get, and be glad about it. You can't change her.

Both my mum and MIL were like this. Liked the idea of being grandparents, overbearing during pregnancy wanting updates and to know name etc, buying gifts but then baby arrives and neither were really bothered. Annoyed when we wouldn't take DC to family parties or whatever,but only because they wanted to show off or have them in the pictures. Some visit's felt more like interviews asking loads of details,but no follow up conversation just question after question...I worked out it was because they'd be telling friends DC was now weaning and has tried XYZ to try and brag, but not actually interested themselves. Both were absolutely gutted that we don't want DC on social media (for very valid reasons) but they are genuinely gutted at the likes they are missing out on. Both were constantly wanting to know what the other was up to and wanted to buy every first etc. It was exhausting. We went low contact with both sides (for other reasons too,but it was a bit of a gradual lightbulb moment of how the relationship is generally after we had DC). What were your parents like growing up, do you have a good relationship otherwise?

Your mother is an arsehole. Don't stop doing what you are doing. Don't stop posting photos of good times with the in-laws if you want to. If she moans, give her a list of things your in-laws have done to help you and interact with your baby. Tell her to get her diary out and put a date in to have a similar hands on visit. Tell her if she is not willing to be as helpful and hands on as they are to put a sock in it. Don't pander and don't hide your relationship with your in-laws - they have as much "right" to a good relationship with your child as she does.