Argh!!!!! Bloody Christmas arrangements, stuck between DPs and ILs!

[MrsTittleMouse]

OK, so here's the deal. My parents have split up, so we are pulled in three directions each Christmas. Last year, we saw my Dad and his family Christmas day, Mum and family Christmas evening, planned to go to ILs for Boxing Day, but they had dreadful flu so didn't see them until January.
This year, we'll see ILs for 4 days up to and including Christmas Day because of not seeing them last year. So far, so good. Was planning to go to my Dad's sister Boxing Day, and would see both my parents there. But aunt has had to cancel invitation as my cousin (who was going to be elsewhere) will now be there, and there isn't enough room.
So now, MIL is hassling us about whether we'll be at hers for Boxing Day as she doesn't know when to invite one of DH's cousins over. But I want to see my family! We can't see my Mum and Dad together, unless there are a lot of others around, as they just don't get on well enough, so we are hoping to be invited to my Mum's family. For obvious reasons I can't just invite all of us over, so I'm trying to get in touch with that side to let them know that we'll be in town and arrange a time to meet up. That way it's up to them whether they invite us over for Boxing day or do something else. I've phoned three times, but haven't got them in, and MIL is on our backs. She's the kind of person who gets very anxious and needs all her ducks in a row. DH just wants to cancel seeing mine and stay with his.
AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Bloody Christmas arrangements! Our place is tiny and on the other side of the country to everyone else, or I'd invite them all to ours and be done with it.

this does sound a bit much - is there any way you can have your dad over to see you before xmas (say xmas eve) so you can go to your mums on boxing day. I know your ILs are over -is it possible to combine a meal on the sunday/xmas eve?

We're staying at the ILs, so no chance of seeing Dad then.

It sounds like a nightmare tbh I would have to put my foot down though and just say that either you will be seeing your family or you will be spending it just you, dh and dcs. 4 days should be enough to do anything that they want to do with you there and that way your MIL can make her plans.

Oh dear, I went downstairs after writing that post and had a huge arguement with DH about it. We never normally argue. He told me that he was stuck between MIL and me and that he had to upset one of us. I told him that I felt that my feelings (and my parents' - I'm the only surviving child, so it's me or nothing!) were more important than his Mum's catering arrangements. It got ugly.
Anyway, we seem to have hammered out a comprimise. We have Boxing Day lunch with the ILs (and cousin), then we travel to my Dad's house and meet up with my Mum and Dad. It will limit the time that they're together. We'll be dealing with DD and putting her to bed at first, so a good distraction. Then, if things get bad, we can always just get rip-roaringly drunk as we'll be staying at my Dad's! Dad has agreed to the plan. Just my Mum to get on board and we can tell MIL.
The worst thing is that we're going to have this every bloody year, aren't we?

Oh dear at least you managed to get something worked out for this year.

As for having it each year, I would suggest that you get next year sorted in January - I mean, explain to Dh that you are not going to argue each year but that you want to spend time with your family, maybe do pre with the IL and post with your family? At least planning in advance leaves plenty of time to work out the kinks without all the stress of the actual time being upon you IYSWIM!

Good luck, I hope it goes well!

You didn't see dh's family last year due to flu. Completely unexpected and nothing any of you can do about things like that.

So this year, you're spending 4 days, including Christmas day, with your MIL. And dh wants you to stay there boxing day too! And they're pressuring you for a decision!

I think you are doing more than your fare share of compromise. And would bloody well be expecting my dh to fully support me in seeing my family all of boxing day if necessary. You have a difficult family situation that needs to be carefully thought out. You're not in a position to make decisions overnight when it involves a lot of other people and 2 parents who don't get on well.

I really feel for you.

Sounds like you have reached a good compromise this year. But the 4 days, all Chrsitmas day, and now most of boxing day at MILs...
Well I think next year dh will have no argument when you say that you want to prioritise seeing your family so that you can arrange to see your parents in the most stress free way that suits all of you.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas. And boxing night with lots of alcohol sounds perfect!!

Thank you for your good wishes.
The problem with organising things early is that the ideal situation is that we're invited to either my Mum's or my Dad's extended family. Other family members dilute out my parents, and it's also lovely to see the family, as it gives a fun atmosphere and they are very nice people. Obviously it's up to them whether they want to invite us though, and they don't always know what others will be doing which effects whether they can invite us, so I can't really organise in advance.
To be fair to DH, he didn't have a problem with us seeing my family, but he was getting asked by his Mum exactly when we were going to be there, and we had no way of knowing when my family would sort something out/extended family would invite us over. That's why we took the bull by the horns and made a decision ourselves. To be fair to me, I do think that he doesn't really "get" how difficult it is for me, as my parents no longer have each other or my sibling who died.

Oh FFS. We have been phoning everyone, letting them know that we found a solution. DH is just of the phone to MIL. His cousin is coming Boxing Day afternoon.

We're just never going to satisfy them are we? DH is majorly pissed off and thinks that I'm not being sympathetic.

well you'll just have to miss seeing his cousin! you can't spend 4 and a half days with MIL's family (including christmas eve, christmas day, and most of boxing day!) and then the one afternoon and everning you plan to spend with you parents they expect you to give up to see his cousin?! is dh's cousin really more important than your own parents?! would your DH dare suggest that!!

is your DH really saying you're not being sympathetic and not spending enough time with his family?

when does he propose you see your parents?

{{{{{hugs}}}}}