Is he BU or am I materialistic???

[Cherryberrybonbon]

Right, going through a bit of a bumpy few weeks with my DP, just general crap really about him not giving much of a toss about our life as a couple/family and catering to his own needs of going to the pub and seeing his mates and replacing our date night (we don’t get them very often) to celebrate his birthday with another night down the pub. I never used to mind his night down the pub, but now it’s becoming two nights and he’s drinking till 3/4 in the morning and then he’s a nightmare for wanting sex and been irritating when he eventually comes to bed. Well it all came to a bit of a head last week and I said he’s making zero effort, he was an arsehole and the least he could do was apologise properly, but me some flowers and show he actually still does care and he said I’m materialistic….. Am I?????

I appreciate we’ve all been locked up and had no life for so long, but we have kids and we’re not teenagers.

YANBU, he sounds like a drunken, thoughtless sex-pest. Why would you want flowers from him, it won’t make him a better man.

Dump him, there is a man who will want to be with you, not getting pissed till 3am.

Stop allowing your children to be raised by an alcoholic. He's also a gaslighting, selfish, abusive sex pest. What a prize.

You are both BU
Flowers aren’t going to fix your marriage so why argue about them. Why not ask for something actually useful to you and your marriage, like to not be objectified at 3/4am when he comes home pissed?

Why is he making no effort? Why is he expecting you to wake up and have sex with him?
Why is he going out till 4am twice a week?
Can you tell him what you’d actually like and what will actually help you feel better and then negotiate from there, rather than him say sorry and you ask for flowers and no one change anything?

I get that the flowers was a show of him giving a shit, unfortunately he doesn't. Only give ultimatums that you are prepared to go through with.

I don’t think flowers will make up for him being a drunken, selfish arsehole who doesn’t care about you.

But as it is you’re apparently not even worth a £5 bunch of flowers to him.

He can't be bothered to buy you flowers but is happy to spend his money on drinks out. I think it's going to take more than flowers to fix this. He needs to sort himself out. He's either in a relationship with you or he's not.

And tell him to stop pestering you for sex when he's drunk and you're trying to sleep. That's disgusting.

Love, I think you are definitely not materialist in fact you have set the bar too low. A bunch of flowers to make up for his appalling behaviour? Of course you are feeling upset he is not exactly making you feel like you are the most important person in his life.
You need to sit down with yourself and draw two circles - one with what a list of what it is you want from this marriage, another with things you absolutely must have in this marriage or its a deal breaker for you and then discuss a way forward with him. Be clear on what you want - define your boundaries and tell him what these are. It doesn't matter if others don't agree with his behaviour - its how you feel about it which counts. Its OK to be OK with him going to the pub 2 nights a week if you are OK about it - but there are clearly somethings you are not happy with.
Most important though - don't have this conversation with him when either of you are angry or he has just gotten back from the pub! plan a time when you are both relaxed and present.

A bunch of flowers means you're materialistic? That's just him deflecting because he knows he's in the wrong here.

Of course you're not materialistic.

He's a drunken arse.
That won't change.

'YANBU, he sounds like a drunken, thoughtless sex-pest. Why would you want flowers from him, it won’t make him a better man.'

Yes.

He sounds awful.

Drunken sex pest.

You know your children know well what's going on?
Don't kid yourself.

Do you work?
Can you afford to get him out?
If so, ask him to leave and you take some time to decide do you really want this creep around your children.

Drink is more important to him and this environment is damaging your children.

Flowers imply you are materialistic?🙄

He's dim as well.

He is no prize.

He sounds awful

You’re not materialistic but flowers aren’t going to fix this and papering over the massive cracks with flowers is hugely damaging as it’s not addressing the issues here. Nor do they show he cares.

@OoglyMoogly absolutely right.

Op your dh knows he wrong.
He prioritises drink over family.

Of course you’re not but flowers won’t make up for the way he’s been treating you

Why are you wasting your time with him?

My concern about the flowers is that if he suddenly decides to send you the biggest most expensive bunch of flowers, you'll think everything is all right.

All the flowers in the world won't fix this.

No youre not materialistic but you're focused on the wrong thing

For a start nobody should be pestering you into sex you don't want. Coerced consent is NOT consent

Why would you want flowers from this man? I would never accept flowers as an apology, I thought that was something that happened in 90s movies only.

As for coming home drunk expecting sex, eewww. What a turn off.

He’s out drinking twice a week until 3/4am? What about the kids? Does he help around the house or does he just lie in bed nursing a hangover twice a week?

As for the pestering you for sex when he gets in, that’s just grim.

As others have said, flowers won’t help (although I can see why you’ve asked for him to show just some inkling that he cares) and I’d be having a serious conversation about what he brings to this relationship. Just do it when he’s not hungover and moody, as you’ll never get a decent conversation out of someone in that state.

Two nights a week he gets drunk and comes home at 3am, wakes you up and pesters you for sex. That makes my skin crawl, how disrespectful.

It’s going to take more than a bunch of flowers to fix, especially as he doesn’t even realise there is an issue.

I think LTB is tossed around too much on MN, but I do think you really should consider what you want out of life. Someone with a drinking problem, who puts his drinking before you, is not going to change easily. It would need major commitment from him and a desire to actually change, and only you know how realistic that is.

For a start nobody should be pestering you into sex you don't want. Coerced consent is NOT consent

And this!!

Flowers aren't the answer. He needs to change his behaviour.

Are you really asking if wanting some flowers makes you materialistic?! Men really have done a number on us, women are all so terrified of being seen as good diggers these days that they think expecting anything makes them materialistic. The same rules don’t apply to men of course 🙄

He’s a dickhead, why are you with him when he treats you like this?

OP obviously I don't know your background/history but why are you tolerating this behaviour from him? Why don't you think you deserve better?