Another MIL one

[sliversurfer]

My lovely SIL is has a long term health condition that has recently taken a turn for the worse. She and my DB have an 8 month old baby and are on their knees.

I live half an hour away and been happily looking after my DN every 1-2 weeks for 1/2 day or so while they go to doc appointments, sleep etc - if they ask, I go, absolutely no problem with this. My SIL DM lives further away but is also helping them out as much as possible.

My parents (SIL PIL) also obviously want to help too. They live nearby and pop round about once a week. However, I know from my own experience, that their help is anything but. Hinting at empty cups of tea, starting projects that don't need to be started, not offering to do any actual help with the baby, makng unhelpful comments, expecting to be fed, watered, entertained, overnight beds so they can drink etc.

Now this wasn't a problem when my baby was small - I didn't need their help and found the support I needed elsewhere. Their visits were social ones and while it was disappointing that they weren't particularly hands on, they are my parents, I love them, it was nice to spend time with them.

This is not the case now though. My DB and SIL are asking for help because they desperately need it. They can't keep accomodating my DP's visits to help because it's causing them more stress/work.

My DM is now getting offended that they are making excuses why they don't need them to pop over yet still asking me and SIL DM for help.

I love all of them and don't want my SIL and DM to end up hating each other. How can I raise this with my DM, without causing further offence, and without her thinking that my DB or SIL have asked me to say something (they haven't).

Honestly, I wouldn't sugar coat it for your parents.
Tell them exactly what you have said here.

Tough one OP. I’m blunt. I would take the time, sit them down and tell them the truth. That their help is actually a hindrance, and it’s you who have noticed this so you presume that’s the issue. But I’m sure someone will come along with more diplomatic advice....How does your SIL want to handle it?

I'd say to them what you've said here but I can be like that with my family, we're blunt with each other.

I would say:

"Mum, Dad, I love you both but you have to start pulling your weight when you go to bro and SIL's. SIL is sick, so they can't make cups of tea and food and put family up for the night. It would be more helpful if you took dnephew home with you for the day. If you do visit, how about you take some food for them and make them a cup of tea? And don't stay the night, it's too much upheaval.'

@mickeysminnie

Honestly, I wouldn't sugar coat it for your parents. Tell them exactly what you have said here.

I totally agree with this. I wouldn't sugarcoat anything.

Just tell them what you say here

They either go and help, so look after the baby, dust, hoover, iron or whatever

Or stay away

I agree with above. Especially the suggestion that they take nephew out!

Ps you sound like a great SIL

As pp have said, you can only tell them honestly.

BTW, you sound like a lovely SIL.

Exactly what @Cadent said. Save them before their relationship explodes.

@mickeysminnie

Honestly, I wouldn't sugar coat it for your parents. Tell them exactly what you have said here.

I agree.

Sometimes plain speaking is the only way.

I'm so sorry about your sister in law, you sound lovely.

Sit them down and spell it out.

I'd be telling them to pull their fingers out of their arses and start helping your DB&SIL;go round;help clean,make themselves and your SIL a cuppa,offer to help with the baby etc

Spell to them selfishness won't wash in this situation.

Exactly as @Cadent says. They need telling before there’s a major falling out.

Yes, be straight and factual - be clear SIL would like to see them but is too ill to host them and is worried about upsetting them.

Tell your parents exactly what you and SIL’s DM are doing for DB and SIL - spell it out in detail - and tell them that’s what DB and SIL need right now. They don’t need visitors, they need taking care of.

I think you need to take one for the team. Don't say how they are with SIL. Say something like "well when mine was young you were really not helpful, you were actually more of a hindrance. If you're the same for DB SIL then I can imagine the can't really cope with that at the moment."
Tell her what she did to make things harder for you. And tell her what she can do to help DB and SIL.

does your DM feel she wants to generically 'help' without knowing what to do.

So can you give her specific tasks? So if your mum can cook well, maybe her role should be to bring a good meal to SIL once a week, always on the same day. She can drop it off, stay for one cup of tea (which she can make herself) and then go. That way, both your mum & SIL can plan for it, and your DM will be doing something useful without being overwhelming / unhelpful.

Absolutely tell them. Just say they don't want you over as they need help and you just create more stress and work.

My parents were like this. Clueless and just cause more work. I used to dread them coming as they'd stay for hours and you'd be exhausted when they finally left. Zero practical or other help.

As pp said be honest use a kind of tone but be honest!!

Your going to save their relationship so don't be shy!

Just say they they need people to help them at the moment rather than guests to entertain and look after.

I think you will have to be plain speaking.

They need supporters not guests expecting to be entertained.🙄

You sound lovely....and very patient.

Your poor brother and SIL having such self absorbed arses as parents and in laws.

Are they a bit dim?
They sound very selfish.

Perhaps you will have to spell out what they should and shouldn't do.

How tedious having to tip toe around such unhelpful behaviour at such a worrying time.

You sound absolutely lovely OP

I agree with everyone else that you’ll have to be honest with them. Hard as it might be!

Tell them what you’ve said here