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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Careful what you wish for

15 replies

Niffler92 · 31/08/2021 21:32

I used to be in two fairly controlling and very stifling relationships. I used to wish I could just disappear and not have to tell them where I was going and what I was doing.

Now I have no one apart from my daughter, that would notice if I disappeared off the face of the earth.

OP posts:

Tatapie · 31/08/2021 22:15

Sorry to hear you're feeling alone. I'm sure there are people whose lives you touch. Can you talk to someone about how you feel as you sound very low. And maybe they can suggest some practical ways of meeting new people. Be glad you are not in a controlling relationship, for yours and your daughters sake. You have a world of opportunities How old is your daughter?

Original poster

Niffler92 · 31/08/2021 22:19

My daughter is ten now. Literally no one to talk too. I know 100s of people but have almost no friends. One close friend has disappeared since getting a new partner, others aren’t in this country, the rest have drifted since I stopped being the one to always make the effort.

OP posts:

plodalong12 · 31/08/2021 22:23

This is the wrong thread title IMO. Because no matter how lonely you feel at this particular moment, it can’t be any worse than being in a controlling (not dissimilar to abusive) relationship.

Tatapie · 31/08/2021 22:28

Can you try reaching out to acquaintances who might make a good friend? Maybe your daughters friends mum? But I wonder if you need some counselling to help you with the effects of your relationships.

BrendaBubbles · 31/08/2021 22:34

It sounds like there is a bit of a vacuum after your relationships ended. Being single is fab but you have to build a new life like joining clubs, doing hobbies, volunteering and so on in order to build up those bonds with new friends and the community in general x

Original poster

Niffler92 · 31/08/2021 22:44

I’m about to start counselling I fear the free six session might not cut it!
I’ve been single ten years.
I’ve tried reaching out to a couple of folk today but getting lots of ‘we might be free in a couple of weeks’ ‘sorry we’re busy’.

I used to have so many friends not sure where they all went.

OP posts:

GrandmasCat · 31/08/2021 22:45

You need to change your perception of yourself and circumstances.

Years ago, just after my ex and I decided to split I was feeling miserably lonely: no family in the country, unable to go home unless I left DS behind, no friends, only acquaintances.

I mentioned in mumsnet how lonely I felt and someone from here drove 3 hrs from Lancashire to spend the morning with me.

It was at that precise moment when my perception shifted and I realised that I was not alone. My old friends I keep in contact with via Facebook are still pretty good available friends I was in constant contact with, my boss and colleagues supported me on the days I was upset, other single/divorced mums took me under their wing and all those mums at school that I considered acquaintances turned into proper supportive friends as soon as they realised what I was going through.

When you show your vulnerability, the world and its dog open their heart to you. Honestly, you are NOT alone, you just need to open a bit and things will start falling into place.

GrandmasCat · 31/08/2021 22:53

Oh, yes, the ones who take the diary out and give you a slot in three months time..

In my experience those who do that are split into two different kind of people:

the ones you need to ignore as they are too focused on their own affairs and,
the really busy ones who have time for nothing but.. the moment they know they are needed they drop everything and run to your side.

I’m a bit biased on this I’m sure but, I have found that the best friends you can find in this situation are other single mums, no matter how busy they are, they always manage to find a little time for a cup of coffee if you need it.

I met a lot of single/divorced/widow mums through DS. It only takes offering a cuppa when they pick up from a play date or a couple of jokes at the school doors and you become good friends as you have so much in common raising children on your own that it is imposible not to.

Original poster

Niffler92 · 31/08/2021 23:21

I think my trouble is when I’m with people I’m fine, so it feels like people don’t believe me when I say how terrible I feel because during that 5 minute chat I seem (and briefly am) much better. Then when I’m on my own I crash again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Niffler92 · 31/08/2021 23:25

I would drop everything for anyone. I just need to feel like I exist. An old best friend messaged me recently when I told her I’d been having a hard time she went through the motions of saying we’d organise something and then never got back in touch and hasn’t replied to my last two messages.

OP posts:

GrandmasCat · 03/09/2021 23:27

Oh Niffler, I feel your pain, but I have learned over the years not to let them organise the outings or otherwise I never go out.

Something as simple as “I’m taking DD for (insert interesting activity), would you and (DD’s friend) would like to join us? We can have a coffee while the kids play” tended to bring more people into our circle than anything else.

Nowadays DS is a teen who doesn’t want outings organised by his mum, my line is “shall we escape for some breakfast before the teens wake up?” It does work, we normally are back home before the teens roll out of bed so it is much easier to arrange.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 05/09/2021 01:59

@Niffler92

That's exactly how you ended up with abusive relationships. Those men took advantage of you.

The Freedom Programme/Why does he do that can also be useful in identifying other people who are unhealthy to be around and developing strategies to not get hurt by them.

Darbysmama · 05/09/2021 03:35

Okay, so? Yes, that sounds lonely. So get out and meet some people. Problem solved.

Lockdownbear · 05/09/2021 03:43

Op what about your family?
I'm guessing the controlling partners have cut you off from them. Have you tried to reach out to them?

perrierplease · 05/09/2021 05:41

I really feel for you, its a tough period of time. It's great you're starting some counselling, maybe you could use some of it to think about what the next stage of your life could look like and the type of non controlling friends you would like to attract into you life. Think of it as a lull before the storm and use your time to think about what you would really like and how you will achieve this now you're not being controlled. This is just a step along the way from what you were hoping for when you left your relationships. You are definitely not at the end of the road.

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