To be upset I can't attend the funeral?

[UndertheCedartree]

This is obviously a very sensitive subject and I'm sure has caused a lot of pain all round.

I have a friend who I was very close to. I lived with her for 2 years, ending about a year ago when she got her own place. She had had nothing to do with her parents for about 10 years. She lived with foster parents during her childhood/teens.

Sadly, she developed sepsis and died recently. She was only 22 Her best friend began organising her funeral. Then the foster parents informed her birth family and they took over. They are only inviting her best friend but no other friends are allowed to attend. We are all so upset. That she will be there with family that she did not like, that they don't know her and don't know what she would like! I just don't know what to do

Firstly funerals are usually attended by all friends and family who wish to attend rather than by invitation. If you slipped in and sat at the back would they even know who you are?

If that’s not feasible maybe you could arrange a small gathering elsewhere with other friends to remember her, play some music and pay tribute?

This is an absolutely rubbish situation! Sending all of the positive thoughts your way.

Perhaps you can send some flowers?

If not, on the day of the funeral get some of her friends together and do an activity she'd love in her memory. Get a coffee / go dancing / go to her favourite restaurant / go for a picnic and share all of your memories of her. Funerals are just formalities - getting together and remembering her memory in the way you know she'd appreciate means more than wearing black and being with the family she didn't like.

@MatildaTheCat - apparently it is very definitely invite only which I have never heard of! I don't know the family as to if I attend it would cause a scene so I'd rather just stay away as that would be awful.

Arranging a celebration of her life with other friends sounds a great idea. Thanks @MatildaTheCat and @DuckDuckGooses

I'd definitely organise a separate celebration of her life and not tell her family. Are her foster family trustworthy. If so they could also be included. Play music she liked, share stories, wear an item of clothing in a colour she liked - that will be more meaningful than any service her shitty family could be having, given they didn't bother with her when she was alive.

Are funerals invite only like weddings these days ?

It's your friend, and the birth parents in the nicest possible way didn't seem to take much interest in her for 10 years and suddenly purely because they gave birth they have the right to cut of everybody else?

Regardless of the invite only a funeral is a funeral. I would go for her not for them. I doubt they would make a scene if you turned up. May be despite being selfish they'd be amazed how many turn up.

Worst case you could always visit the grave after. They can't control that.

Arrange a celebration with those she truly would have wanted there.

@Rocktheboat87

It's your friend, and the birth parents in the nicest possible way didn't seem to take much interest in her for 10 years and suddenly purely because they gave birth they have the right to cut of everybody else?

Regardless of the invite only a funeral is a funeral. I would go for her not for them. I doubt they would make a scene if you turned up. May be despite being selfish they'd be amazed how many turn up.

Worst case you could always visit the grave after. They can't control that.

This. And then organise your own wake for afterwards.

I've never heard of an invitation only funeral - except celebrities I suppose.

I agree with rocktheboat, I'd go along any way. you are there for her, not for them. If they kick off, wait outside and then take flowers to the grave.

I'm sorry for your loss

I agree with pp, absolutely contact all her friends and arrange a memorial and celebration of her life.

That’s dreadful, a similar thing happened in our village and the foster parents organised a gathering in the village, and have placed a bench. In the meantime the birth parents started a go fund and made it close family only. The foster parents and her friends were so angry but they turned it around for everyone. Although in your situation I’d go anyway. Your friend would want you there.

Just to give the flip side I once organised a funeral for my friend who was NC with her family. They came and it was pretty awkward us organising everything and them not.