To make DSS come here if he doesn't want to?

[WwYd2k]

DSS 8 (suspected autism) is going through a phase of not wanting to come here, to his fathers and my house, and wanting to stay at his mum's house. He doesn't like going out at the best of times so this is nothing out of the ordinary for him, he prefers being at his mum's on his devices with all his home comforts.

Every week when DH goes to collect him he has a tantrum not a meltdown about how he doesn't want to come. DH can spend 30-60 minutes there trying to bribe him to get his shoes on and leave with him.

Everything is fine here, he's treat well and is very loved by all of us. I've been in his life since he was 3 and we get on great. There's no actual reason he doesn't want to come besides not wanting to.

I'm just wondering what others think - is DH BU to make him come if he doesn't want to?

Should our wish to spend time with DSS override what he wants to do?

Autism to some degree is a sort of yes no situation. If you ask a question and they aren't in the mood for it then it's a no. As you've discovered it takes a lot of effort to convince DS to then go. We all have these moments.

I would look at it this way, him being at home and then doing to you DH is a little bit like a 2 night holiday. In one scenario you spend the two nights at one hotel. In the second scenario you spent one night at a first hotel, the second at a different one.

Having to pack up yours things, check out on time, get to the other one. Then time the check in at the other perfectly. So in short he's happy where he is and it's an inconvenience having to pack up his things and go somewhere else. You need to find a way to compromise with him. Perhaps you could keep some things at your DH and some at yours. Share the things he enjoys. That way he'll have more incentive to go to both.

You can see how him having

Based on my own experience, usually when children with autism have a 'meltdown' it's because there's something specific they're struggling with and they just don't know how to communicate it.

I think forcing him could make it worse, especially if he is genuinely worried about something.

Do you have a good relationship with his mum? It could be worth having a chat with her and seeing if you can identify any triggers.

Are there compromises? For example, will he come on days out with you? If so, could you then ask him if he wants to come to yours afterwards?

How does his mom feel about having him all the time overnight? How does DH feel?

It's a difficult one for everyone really.

Thank you for the replies

We have the same issue when it comes to days out too. Say he's spending the weekend here and on the Sunday we're due to go out somewhere, he refuses to leave our house to come with us on the trip. He absolutely hates going anywhere and sees it as a huge inconvenience.

If he had it his way he would never have to leave his primary residence

Me and his mum get on fine, she tends to let DH take the reigns when it comes to negotiating with DSS to come here.

He's definitely not upset by anything that we know of and relationships are good all round.

You are massively overthinking this.

He's 8, you need to make decisions based on his best interests.

Is it in his best interests to see even less of this father?

Is it in his best interest to never leave his mum' s house ?

Is it in his best interest to spend all his time on devices?

You cant just disregard his disability, accommodations need to be made to avoid unnecessary anxiety or overloading his senses. He may hate change and need less of it with more warnings in able to maintain a sense of control. But just to go along with his perceived need to always be at mum's, isolated from his family and with no demands made on him - that's crazy.

my son has autism and is exactly the same. if he got his way he wouldnt leave the house. ever. so we compromise and make sure we have home days as well as going out days. some days he just stays in his pjs all day. i do make him visit his dad though even though he doesnt want to go.

I have two perspectives on this.

As the mum of an ASC child I would say forcing him to go to your house when it is causing anxiety isn't going to do any of you any good in the long run. Try and find other ways of spending time together. Work with bio mum if she is willing, to see how things can change in the future.

As the stepmum of a 12yo who has refused to sleep at our house for over two years (neurotypical), I can tell you this has hugely damaged not only the father child relationship but also the whole family dynamic.

It's a really tough situation and I don't have any real answers but you do have my sympathy.

On on hand I feel bad for him getting stressed out, but on the other hand I do believe it's in his best interests to come. He's always fine once he gets here but gets the major hump when DH goes to pick him up.

He can lash out when he gets angry and doesn't want to do something and it's his mum and DH who bare the brunt of it, he's always fine once he arrives here.

He's here now having a great time, happy as larry.

His mum deserves some time where she is not the only parent as well, so on that basis and his being young, I'd say keep going.

Does he have home comforts at his Dad’s house?

Yeah to me as a SEN parent I'd say given his age (and accompanying inability to be left alone at home) I'd say he needs to continue to come to his dad's to give his mum chance to recharge.

As a parent to a NT 8yr old I'd say it's probably just a (slightly stronger?) version of standard for his age currently- particularly when high screen use is in play. Mine regularly kicks off if he is dragged away from Minecraft or similar.

He has comforts here yes, I also agree that it wouldn't be fair for his mum to have to be the only parent.

I think some work on transitions is needed here, so his mum and DH can avoid being hit / lashed out at every time it comes to switching between houses.

He's always fine once he gets here but gets the major hump when DH goes to pick him up.

What would happen if you met him when he was already "out" somewhere? Would he also refuse to come him with you? Have you tried taking him home from the park or school or shop? Just to break the always picking him up from his home.

He's 8, in the absence of abuse it would be unlikely that he would be better off without that connection and time with his Dad. If I stuck to what my Autistic DC want we'd never leave the house and yard. Better to find ways to support him with whatever he's struggling with here, transitions, routine changes, feeling overwhelmed by being outside his comfort zone, sensory issues could all be at play. Giving him the support he needs to feel less overwhelmed may help make this easier on everyone involved. We're not separated but the same general principles apply to our Autistic DD and DS to get through life without it overwhelming them.

It sounds like he might struggle with transitions and changes to routine. These are often very hard for Autistic children. Is anything being done to support him to feel less overwhelmed by the change and transition calmly?

There's no one fits all of what will help, but there are various strategies that can be tried. Things like a chart with where he'll be going for each day of the next week. Gone through at start of week, then a discussion each night of what will happen the next day, every night at both of his homes. If it's time at Dad's .... time his Dad will pick him up, when will he be coming back to mum's, maybe discussing what he wants to take, how much fun he'll have with Dad. Forewarning of change can help.

A social story might be helpful, his Dad can easily make one using Google images or photos of DSS, though my DS7 really didn't like it when I did the later.

Using school as the transition point where possible could ease the feelings on going from 'home' to his Dad's place. If he has specific possessions he needs to feel safe, bringing those might help. I mean safe in regards giving him a feeling of belonging to both places. Feeling Dad's home is another safe place where he's comfortable.

Is there anything particular to his mum's place that replicating might help? For my Autistic DC anything that can be made similar would help a bit. One especially needs things to be kept as unchanged as possible. Always used the same plates, same cups, same coloured bed linen, same towels, same crockery, same toothbrush and toothpaste, needs his room to always be the same. I'm sure you get the idea. He really struggles with change, even if it's something he really really wants to do the sensory pressures of being somewhere different, doing something different, being out in the too loud, too bright world, the feelings changes give him can all overwhelm him.

Is his routine the same in both houses? DS 7 gets very upset by changes in his routine. He copes better if his morning and evening routines are kept to as much as possible and specific things like down time and screens occur at the same time each weekend and holiday day. We can't always accommodate that which is where the discussion at each dinner and breakfast of what's happening that day can help him cope better with changes.

What would I suspect ease going from one house to another for our DC would be to get tablets in the car or once they get to Dad's place. For a specific amount of time. This is a safe place to escape the overwhelming world and recenter for a lot of Autistic children from my Autistic parents group. Though some children find this really helpful to regulate for others it does the exact opposite. Overtime and with the right supports in place this should become easier for all involved.

His parents need to look at the transition process. My two are autistic and you do have to prepare properly. His mum and dad should talk about it, get some advice from say the nas about ways to move from one situation to the next and start doing that.

This may not work depending on circumstances, but could dad start going an hour before planning to leave with DS? So spend an hour with him at his mum's (if that's ok with his mum) where they preferably don't use the tablet and DS adjusts to being with his dad, then say 'its time to go in 5 minutes so you can go on the tablet in the car' to help the transition of leaving go smoother?

This sounds like trouble with transitions, something my children also struggle with.

That means he may be findibg the change from his DM's to your house difficult without it actually being a problem to BE at your house.

Things that can help with this: making sure he understands it is going to happen. That would need his DM to remind him repeatedly during the day before, not engaging in argument about it, just saying matter-of-factly.

A visual timetable or calendar, showing clearly which day (and time) when he is due to be picked up.

Some special toy that he brings with him from one house to the other - I never managed to make that kind of thing work, but it does for some children.

Some kind of transition activity - is it a car journey? If so, can there be an enjoyable activity as part of it? Maybe listening to music or an audiobook he likes.

All the adults staying calm and certain that this happening and not open to negotiation.

Allowing him to state his feelings without challenge. My son used to announce every morning that he didn't want to go to school. After a while I realised that if I listened sympathetically and didn't try to persuade he would be ok, he calmed down much more quickly and went off quite happily.

Most of this, unfortunately, will have to be done by his DM, but presumably she will be motivated to have him go to yours regularly. And possibly none of those strategies will work your your DSS - it is just a question of working out what does and doing that.

The transitions are key.

Does he have objects of comfort? Can yo distract him with ‘what do you want to show WWYD2k this weekend?’ Has he got any special interests you could use as leverage?

It’s not easy but you do need to get him more comfortable with coming over.

When my DS goes on holiday we need his music player, certain toy cars and books, audio CDs etc and he cocoons in his room at bed time.

My son couldn’t leave the house without a car in his hand until about 6. He still gets one sometimes. He names them, talks to them, loves them. They make him safe and happy. You need to find that ‘thing’ for your DSS.

At his age are the social pressures ramping up a bit, or is he having to mask more?

It might be that there's additional stress in a different part of his life that is putting pressure on him and he's holding on tight to the comfort of his surroundings. I'm autistic and do this when I'm feeling overwhelmed- my house is my safe space where I can control the sensory inputs. To me it kind of feels like when it's cold and raining outside and you come home and get out of your wet gear and into your favourite stretched out joggers and have a cup of hot chocolate, sometimes it's hard to put your too-tight jeans back on if you need to! Your house is too-tight jeans! The problem is the more you wear your joggers the harder it is to get back in your jeans.

What would happen if your partner instead of wheedling him for an hour to leave just said "let me know when you're ready" and left it to him? Just removed that flashpoint and time demand.

Do you have a regular plan for his time you? Perhaps there is more unfamiliarity and flexibility with you. Could you outline what you'll be doing "I'd like to leave at 12pm to get back by 1pm, then we can chill at home on Xbox, and maybe go to the park. Then dinner is at X o'clock, it's fish and chips- the brand your mum buys, and I'll put the ketchup in a pot so it's not touching, you can have 40 mins for research then bedtime is XX. Tomorrow we'll..."

Just shooting the shit for some coping mechanisms, it's tough because it sounds like his world is becoming more restricted so important not to let that happen too much.

Thank you all for the replies, there's alot of sterling advice here.

I definitely agree that it seems to be a transition issue. I'll be sending DH this thread so he can have a read of the comments and relay the suggestions back to DSS mum. Hopefully they can work together to make things easier for him (and them)

We do things a little differently at our place than his mum does at home, so I can appreciate the changes could be tricky for him. That said, we do our best to accommodate what he likes/needs to feel comfortable and incorporate some of his home routine too.

He's allowed to spend most of his free time on his devices at his mum's (no disrespect intended to her, it's what works for them) whereas here we try to encourage him to partake in other things too - aswell as having his screen time which is his escapism / safe activity.

He always has a lovely time when he comes it's just the initial anxiety/stress of leaving his most familiar environment and having to be uprooted to here.