Mother's Funeral

[SnugglesUK]

Am I being unreasonable?

I found out last Monday that my mother died on 28 July 2021!

A cousin contacted my daughter to ask if I knew my mother was dead!

I then found out she had been ill with gangrene on a hand, problem with her ankle and they then discovered cancer in her lungs! Neither my stepfather, nor my sister (who had only bothered with my mother the past 5 years!) had felt the need to tell me she was ill, in hospital or that she died! They then proceeded to have her cremated and had no service for her!!!

Am I being unreasonable?

I've tried contacting both my sister and my stepfather and neither will speak to me! I'm completely devastated and baffled at the situation

• *[Edited by MNHQ to remove names] **

YANBU but I’d ask admin to remove the family names from this post

Were you no contact with your mother? Or living in a different country? There must be more to this. If you were in regular contact with your mother, surely you would have found out at the time.

It depends on why you aren't in regular contact with her. You need to answer that.

That's awful. But surely there is a back story? How often were you usually in touch with your mum?

Of course you should have been told - however, if she had died almost a month previously and been ill for a while before that, how did you not know? Were you not in contact?

If you weren't in contact, then I can see how it may not have crossed their minds to let you know right away. Although I do think they could have tried rather than having to hear it from your daughter

Were you NC with your mother?

Sorry for your loss but you are obviously not in regular contact , is there a back story ? I would never have gone that long without contacting my mum

There must be quite some backstory to this one.

Presumably you are NC with all of them which is why you weren't notified?

You obviously weren't in regular contact with her - were you NC?

There is more to this story. Have you not tried to contact her at any point in the last month?!

How come you hadn't contacted her or any other family member in the month+ since she died/became ill?

Hi OP

Mumsnet is a very public site - we've withdrawn your post and would advise against using real-life names.

You clearly had no contact with her otherwise you would have been notified.

Ok I had a very long response but it's been deleted 😔

I will retype with Mumsnet required amendments when I get a chance

But in short I was in contact with my stepfather, my mother got upset because when I’d arranged, with her consent, for the local Council to come in and basically redecorate completely and put in new kitchen and bath, also to store everything for her for free!

She went berserk because, despite my offering to put both her and my step dad for the week at my home, to collect them and store cleaning stuff and crockery. She wanted the council to store them, they wouldn't because of insure.

She then made me cancel everything! At that stage, my daughter and I, after cleaning the house for them and getting rid of “hoardering”. My daughter would do her hair and nails. So we left her to calm down. Still sent Mother's Day etc., but she wouldn't speak to us! So we kept in contact via stepdad.

My sister us another story!

My cousins and Aunt were informed a month before me! I didn't get to say goodbye and I think I'm rightly upset and disgusted with both of them!

Not all mums are easy! But for the past 30 odd years it always fell to me to look after both parents!

I thought she'd ring me put of the blue, she was always getting in the huff. It was a pattern!

Anyway, I think you have the just of the situation.

Thank you to those who gave a well thought out response ☺️

What's your step dads reason for not notifying you if you have a good relationship?

He refuses to reply?

My sister and I have had periods, in her first marriage, when we didn't keep contact!

A simple text would have done!

Of course you should have been told.

My uncle was long estranged from his wife, but when he died, my dad ensured his wife was contacted and told of his death.

They should have informed you your mother was ill, so you could say goodbye and attend the funeral. Just human decency.

I still don't really get the pattern of your relationship with your Mum?