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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking social awkwardness can be 'cured'

30 replies

Crazycrazylady · 30/08/2021 22:27

My ds1 is and has always been what I would describe as socially awkward . He gets tongue tied in social situations, finds small talk very difficult characterised really by crippling self conscious of everything he says or does ie terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing so he does nothing.
I've always worried about him as it does affect his friendships etc as he is not bullied more ignored. Teachers describe him as gentle and kind.
Anyway I think he could benefit from some CBT to help him as I worry about the teenage years but by Dh feel it's just his personality and I should let him be and that no therapy would help anyway.

Has anyone here tried this or any feedback. I'm a fixer by nature so sitting on my hands doesn't come easily to me. I just want people to see the fab person that I see instead of the slightly stand offish kid that they might know.

OP posts:
TartanJumper · 30/08/2021 22:51

It can't hurt to try, can it?

user1745 · 30/08/2021 22:52

How old is he OP? I was the same as a teenager and young adult but it did get better with age. I wouldn't say I feel any less shy or awkward but you learn ways round it. I'd say from about 23 things really started to get easier (I'm female though, boys may operate on a different time scale, they mature a bit later).

I'm not familiar with CBT for social awkwardness. Perhaps it could help, especially if he has a lot of anxiety, but on the other hand he might not want the issue drawn attention to and made into a "thing".

Clydie89 · 30/08/2021 22:56

Does he want help to fix it?

Bawse · 30/08/2021 22:58

Yeah it doesn’t have to be just an innate thing. Building his confidence is a great idea. CBT or other therapies might help him overcome any unhelpful thought processes or negative self talk, etc. and give him a tool kit to dip into. Joining clubs etc. could also be a great idea – giving him other social connections and groups to draw on for his sense of self and confidence in dealing with people.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/08/2021 22:59

I used to be like this but was encouraged into drama at school - when you absolutely have to act on stage you realise that most social interactions are a sort of 'act' and I sort of got over myself, ha

DrNo007 · 30/08/2021 23:02

I strongly second drama classes. A surprising number of good actors started out as socially awkward kids and just practised their way out of it by acting. But drama classes are emphatically not just for those who want to act professionally.

parietal · 30/08/2021 23:03

CBT is not the right thing but people can learn social skills. that is what you learn in drama school, or in debate clubs or in the various 'role play training' things that some jobs provide.

but you have to want to learn. And you have to find an appropriate trainer, which may not be easy here. I agree a drama or debate club would be ideal, but don't push it on your DS. He may develop the skills on his own and in his own time.

therocinante · 30/08/2021 23:07

Definitely worth a try if it's a level of anxiety that's a problem for him!

I would be careful not to imply it's to 'fix him' or in comparison to others (e.g "you're going to talk to the lady so you can be like your friends at parties") - rather, it's to help him enjoy socialising more ("this lady is going to help you feel brave at parties/really enjoy playing at lunchtime at school"). A small difference but one that might be crucial for a young brain :)

purpleme12 · 30/08/2021 23:10

Is this something you've thought of? Or has it come from him??

Original poster
Crazycrazylady · 30/08/2021 23:11

Thanks everyone
He is 11, I think he does wish he was more like his super confident popular younger brothers but has kind of made his peace with it if you know what I mean: ( almost a bad thing as he doesn't try much)
Drama would be such a stretch for him but it sounds amazing . I might suggest it

I wish I could change the world rather than him but kids his age seem to be fairly surface deep so are not really interested in taking the time to drag talk or the shy kid standing at the back. Which I can get. He is wonderfully funny if you get to know him though ..

OP posts:
PepsiHoover · 30/08/2021 23:16

Personally, I would leave him be.

I am socially akward. I learned how to 'behave' socially over time. But I also developed the attitude that I came as people found me and if they didn't like that, then that was their loss, not mine.

Just a note on 'fixing' everything for your DC all of the time. This will do absolutely nothing for your DC self esteem and confidence over time. Let him find his own way, regardless of whether or not you agree with it. I definitely believe my own well meaning, but ridiculously overbearing mother was at least partly responsible for my own anxiety as a child and young adult.

leavesthataregreen · 30/08/2021 23:25

@ThreeLittleDots

I used to be like this but was encouraged into drama at school - when you absolutely have to act on stage you realise that most social interactions are a sort of 'act' and I sort of got over myself, ha
Same here. I was cripplingly shy but drama club helped overcome this. And the one I went to was very inclusive. It created one great big friendship group which lasted all through our teens. We were so lucky.
Xmassprout · 30/08/2021 23:32

I was so shy and awkward as a child so was put into dance classes. I grew more confident but still very socially awkward. It was very hard seeing all the other girls at the dance classes building close friendships and chatting and being social butterflies, and then there was me on the outskirts.

Over time I learnt to hide my shyness. But as I grew older I wished being shy and socially awkward wasn't seen as a bad thing and something needing to be fixed. I still wish to this day that I culould just be accepted for who I am rather than people trying to change me to how they thought I should be.

To this day I don't have many friends. Those that I'm closest to, embrace my awkwardness. I've learnt not to try and fit in with certain people, but to find people I fit in with, without having to change a thing

Lorw · 30/08/2021 23:34

Just sounds like he’s different from his brothers, I’m the shy, socially awkward one out of my siblings and I don’t need to be ‘fixed’ , everybody is different, you do learn to cope over time and I’m sure he will be fine, drama for me as a child would have made me worse and even now is my idea of hell, I’ve always taken the stand that if someone doesn’t like me the way I am then that’s their loss 😁

Garriet · 30/08/2021 23:41

My husband was terribly socially anxious when we met (much younger, he was late teens back then) and it took him years to gain confidence. This wasn’t an issue for our relationship but it did hold him back in his career etc. I think now, looking back, he wonders if he could have done CBT or tackled it sooner. I think CBT would really have helped him then, though he did over time find ways of coping.

A former colleague of mine often talked about similar levels of social anxiety as a younger man (I’d never have known had he not said!), and I know for him he said drama classes were the main thing that helped him. He told me how pretending to be someone else felt okay, and then he slowly assimilated the acting skills into real life situations until acting “confident” became second nature.

Rawmum30 · 31/08/2021 04:41

I brought my only child (a son) up as a single mum.
When he was eleven ish, I suggested speech and drama classes (out of school) to help with his confidence issues. There was never an intention to promote an acting career.
I felt it helped him a lot, and years later, he has said he was glad he went.
He also a bit later, joined air cadets in a different town to ours. That gave him a new set of friendship opportunities outside his school environment, which also helped.
He’s since grown into a (quietly) confident man. He is not arrogant as a result, and he still can have periods of insecurity, but that applies to most people in my experience, even if you don’t realise it.
When your kids are struggling, it hurts you as their parent, so suggest it, or ask him (from a list of choices) if he’d like to try something new, that’s just for him.
Good luck, I wish you (and him) well.

herculesoffline · 31/08/2021 06:35

I was really shy and awkward but working in a supermarket (customer service) sorted that out! As an adult, as part of a course I was on I received a session from a RADA instructor on public speaking which also helped.

CoalCraft · 31/08/2021 07:42

It is something that can be improved through practice but the person themselves has to be on board with it and willing to put the effort in.

EmeraldShamrock · 31/08/2021 07:44

Yes. I was an odd socially awkward DC. It took hard work and a lot of hard thinking but I got there.
Now I'm working on DD.

ShippingNews · 31/08/2021 07:49

@DrNo007

I strongly second drama classes. A surprising number of good actors started out as socially awkward kids and just practised their way out of it by acting. But drama classes are emphatically not just for those who want to act professionally.
I agree with this ^^

I was painfully shy and awkward , I sort of fell into acting classes as an after school thing, and it changed my life . I learned to speak in front of people, and to "fake it till you make it", acting confident until I actually felt it. I'd highly recommend it - and it's a great way to make a few friends too, working on a project together .

tegannotsovegan · 31/08/2021 08:24

I’ve always been socially awkward (ADHD and anxiety) and no amount of intervention from my parents or other family members helped me. I actually got worse. I’m 23 now with no friends, a 3 year old son and struggling to keep my relationship on track

EmeraldShamrock · 31/08/2021 08:39

@tegannotsovegan Flowers You're still young, plenty of time to meet similar people.
I was about 24 when I stopped trying to cover up my clumsy awkwardness.
I met a new colleague as I apologised for something clumsy, she said "stop apologising is part of your charm" a small comment that opened acceptance from myself.
Your baby will help too. Flowers

Lovinghannah · 31/08/2021 09:06

I would leave him alone.
His confidence will be lower if you treat him as though something is wrong with him, and drama could be torture. The best thing you can do for him is convey how unconditionally you accept him for who he is.

Bootdilemma · 31/08/2021 09:08

One of mine was like this. She refused drama lessons. I made her be polite in social situations, ie please and thank you and how are you and smile, even though it nearly killed her, then let her run away. She's 15 now and so much better, came and chatted to friends I had over at the weekend very nicely

GOODCAT · 31/08/2021 09:24

I am quiet and not good at conversation. I had no issues with public speaking it is when people speak back that I find it hard. It holds you back in life of you can't hold an interesting conversation so I think it is a great idea to tackle it while he is young.

I wouldn't make a thing of it, but would give him opportunities to do cbt, hobbies that involve other people and drama could help, but it could also be a bit like public speaking and mean he is fine because he doesn't have to think of something to say as it is all set out for him.

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