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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad support and involvement

20 replies

Fiatman · 30/08/2021 09:17

Just after some advice from you guys on how to play this situation.
I live with my partner. She’s got two children from a previous relationship. We both work full time.
The Dad, her ex, does too. He’s single, lives on his own.
His has his children every weekend, Pick up Saturday morning, drop off Sunday evening.
His request not ours but we are happy with the set up. It’s always been like that.
The children are just coming to the end of their 6 week school summer holidays. Their school broke up a week earlier because of a Covid outbreak so they’ve even off school 7 weeks.
A month Before the holidays my partner asked the Dad if he was able to take some time off to help with childcare. He said he would sort something out and get back to her. He didn’t. So she asked him again a few weeks later, he said the same.
I booked the first two weeks of August off from
My job to take care of them and spend time with them. My partner took the following two weeks off to do the same. She is self employed so doesn’t earn when not working off.
When the holidays began she asked him the same again and again he responded the same day yeah he’s take time off and would sort out.
He’d just returned from a weeks camping with friends so she asked him if he had holiday left to take. Yes he said I’ve got plenty holiday left.
Nothing, no help or support. No time off with his children apart from his usual weekends.
We’ve had to juggle things as best we can to make sure they are looked after. My partner has had to take more time off than planned which has affected us financially.
A few weeks back we decided not to mention it to him anymore but just to see what he done. Nothing.
I’m fuming for us, for his children. And think it’s unfair and unreasonable to take time off to holiday with his friends but not time off for your children.
They return to school Thursday and when they do We want to discuss it with him. Which I know will end up in a row.
Are we being unreasonable.
His answer will be that he pays for his children.
He does pay the minimum child support each week which barely covers our food shop bill.
We’ve just kitted them out in all the stuff they need for the new school term. We don’t expect him to help out but it would be nice if he did or at least ask us if they have everything they need.
He thinks he’s the best Dad on earth. Sadly I disagree strongly.
I work with men who can’t wait for the summer holidays to spend time with their children.

Am I being unreasonable? And any advice or suggestions to deal with this would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

Iwonder08 · 30/08/2021 09:42

They are not your children and you don't have to take time off to look after them unless you want to. It is also not your place to raise it with the ex. He is not your ex, but your partner's. If she is unhappy with the arrangement it is up to her to sort it out, not you

Kithic · 30/08/2021 09:45

@Iwonder08

So op shouldn't support their partner?? Thats what they are doing by taking some time to care for their partners dc.

Yes he is a shit dad, but that should not be news

NailsNeedDoing · 30/08/2021 09:47

There’s no we in this unfortunately, you are a step parent a NC your role is to support but not interfere, which I realise is incredibly difficult. Especially if it has impacted on you because you’ve taken time off work. You need to see that as doing a favour for your partner though, regardless of her ex’s behaviour.

We can’t force people to be decent parents sadly, there is nothing you can do to make this man provide childcare for his own children, and you being involved is likely to make the situation worse. Leave it to your partner and her ex to deal with, and if you don’t want to take time off work, then don’t.

Rollercoaster512 · 30/08/2021 09:52

Irrelevant but can I ask how old DC are?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/08/2021 09:58

I've been on mn long enough to know that many many many non resident male parents are utterly shit.

No responsibility, just dip in and out.

I have no idea what can be done about it,it's not illegal to leave your own kids to someone else to bring up - unfortunately.

In his defence though - does he pay maintenance based on his having them only one overnight per week?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 10:03

It’s between your partner and her ex. Certainly not your place to start rows with anyone.

You’re not their parent. You’re not obliged to take time off to look after them or pay for uniform etc, if you do it should be because you want to, not to prove to yourself, your partner, the kids or their dad that you’re a better man.

Only give what you can without feeling resentment. It’s not your job to care more than the parents.

Original poster

Fiatman · 30/08/2021 10:22

Thanks for the replies so far. Much appreciated.

Just to be clear, I love the children just the same as I would my own. And taking time off for them is not expected by my partner but he felt appreciated. I do it because I want to.
I don’t expect praise, thanks Or reward for anything I do for them.

I get “involved” because my partner wants me to. She spent a lot of years with this man controlling her and testing her badly and her self confidence dealing with him so severely affected.
I don’t take over or take control, I just support her and help guide her what to do or say.
I have no dealings with him at all.

In answer to a few of your questions.
The children are 11 and 13.
Yes he does reduce his payment to reflect having them stay at his house one next a week .

OP posts:

Bonheurdupasse · 30/08/2021 10:22

You and your OP have every weekend available to you childfree.

Surely Dad can get a week childfree in the holidays for the whole year.

Kithic · 30/08/2021 10:33

@Bonheurdupasse

You and your OP have every weekend available to you childfree.

Surely Dad can get a week childfree in the holidays for the whole year.

Eh?

Theunamedcat · 30/08/2021 10:37

@Bonheurdupasse

You and your OP have every weekend available to you childfree.

Surely Dad can get a week childfree in the holidays for the whole year.

He has Monday through Friday child free

arethereanyleftatall · 30/08/2021 10:39

'Yes he does reduce his payment to reflect having them at his one night a week'

I meant this the other way round. He pays your dp maintenance based on your dp having them 6 days per week, every week. He's honoured this. If you want him to have them more, he can reasonably ask to reduce his payments even more to reflect this.

As an aside, at 11 and 13, they shouldn't need looking after. Unless you mean you took them out for day trips and stuff. Which is nice, but many many parents are working full time jobs and using no child care once the children are this age.

Rollercoaster512 · 30/08/2021 10:39

Sounds a lot like my dad growing up I couldn’t see it at first but by the time I got to 14 I didn’t want to see him anymore he would pay bare minimum in child support to my DM , wouldn’t pay for school uniform as apparently ‘he pays his maintenance’ his work changed and he became very well off but wouldn’t increase his child maintenance but could take whatever floozy he had to Caribbean holidays and treat them to new cars but when it came to my weekend he would drop me off to my grandmothers claim to work and pick me up On a Sunday then drop my back off after spending two hours with me , as a teenager I hardly spoke to him never stayed with him after the age of 15 now as a grown adult with 3 children my DM is the most amazing grandmother and my DSF is the most amazing grandfather he hates how close my kids are to my DSF as he takes them out to the park and shows etc on his own (where as my dad would never leave the house with them without supervision) if he’s got a call from work and they have the kids he will pop them in the van and take them in and loves showing them off he was even there when I gave birth , my dad will not see them from one month to the next and not bother , but the damage is done and that’s something he can now live with and I’m so grateful to my DSF as my ILS are hardly in their lives also so they only have one grandfather really .. OP you sound like a lovely man who is there to support his wife in these awkward circumstances, dc will be thanking you in the long run no matter how hard a position your in atm

Theunamedcat · 30/08/2021 10:39

@Bonheurdupasse

You and your OP have every weekend available to you childfree.

Surely Dad can get a week childfree in the holidays for the whole year.

And they dont have every weekend child free they have one night he takes them Saturday morning (which could be 11.30 for a we know) till Sunday

Its hardly adequate

Original poster

Fiatman · 30/08/2021 10:41

He has them every weekend at his request and choice. We don’t ask for that arrangement or insist on it.
He has a very flexible job, start and finish times to suit. Time off to suit and about 8 weeks paid annual leave. Which he takes but never with his children.
It just would have been nice for them (not us) to have spent time with their dad in the last 7 weeks. Even for a long weekend not necessarily a whole week.
He has plenty leisure time.
He does all sorts of activities but never with his children always with friends.

OP posts:

Brakebackcyclebot · 30/08/2021 10:43

You cannot make him be a good parent. You can't change him. Trying will be futile. Focus instead on what you can do - which is give the children a stable and happy home. You will probably find that your partner's self confidence grows if you take ownership of what you can do together. Trying to make someone else into a different person takes energy and focus which you could better put elsewhere....

Chloemol · 30/08/2021 10:56

@Bonheurdupasse
*You and your OP have every weekend available to you childfree.

Surely Dad can get a week childfree in the holidays for the whole year.*

What a stupid comment. He has every week available to him, with no requirement to even take them on holiday

Ot to put it in simple terms for you he has them one night a week, she has then 6. Or he has then 104 days a year and she has then 260 days a year

So who has more tone available in reality

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 11:43

He’s not going to change. Least of all if you and your partner to confront him or start an argument.

She’s accepted what he’s like, she knew him a long time and chose him as the father for two children.

All you can do is try to do the same. The children know who invests in them, spends time with them, wants to be fully involved in their lives. That’s what matters.

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 30/08/2021 11:48

No advice I’m afraid op but just wanted to say although this is hard and you’re fuming, you are 100% doing the right thing by your partner and her children. Her ex could certainly have shared the holiday load but it really is his loss.
I hope your partners kids will recognise and appreciate your input down the line. I think they will. It is difficult but try and keep doing what you’re doing by spending the time with your step kids.

ViciousJackdaw · 30/08/2021 12:23

Why can't the DC take care of themselves at 11 and 13 yo?

Original poster

Fiatman · 30/08/2021 17:23

It won’t just about taking care of children.
I know it’s a personal thing but we work 10 hour shifts. And for us personally we feel that’s way too long to leave children on their own.
We would leave them and we can but no more than 3 - 4 hours.

Also it isn't just about help with child care. It’s about spending time with them.
He has a lot of money and a lot of spare time and it’s such a shame his children aren’t more of a priority.

OP posts:

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