School Mum

[BL23]

Hi ladies,

Just looking for advice /opinions. I have a group of school mums who we all bonded since Kindy. Roll around to the following year in pre-primary and another Kindy mum welcomed this new mum into the group. Everyone seems to really like her and I've always been polite to her (we don't have much in common) but for some reason she hates me. She will walk past me and ignore me and I will always smile and say hi and she just looks at me then looks the other way. I'm the only mum she does this with out of the group.

The tricky thing is the school mums are becoming extra social from dinners to other events and frequently try to get everyone together. I sometimes go to these but often leave feeling like s* because she will make passive aggressive comments to me and I'm left feeling like crap. It could be from what meal I order just something totally insignificant to her (or at least it should be) or a comment about what I'm wearing or anything. She does have some financial troubles and marriage only know this because after a few drinks she is very vocal. She then sort of targets me and that I wouldn't understand because my husband gets paid well etc. I have never talked bad about her to anyone but I'm left not wanting to do school pick up or go to these events and lately I have started to back off from all the mums and they probably think I've gone weird but I just don't know how to approach this. I was receiving prank calls from a private number and it sounded a lot like her son and I could be wrong but I don't think I'am. She is the only person I know with sons the kind of age it sounded like that could possibly have my number.

My mum told me to hold my head high and smile at her and be the bigger person but when someone is so rude that can be hard to do. My question is should I remove myself from the whole mums group and just not socialise with any of them? I'm left feeling anxious and even though I work part time I'm left feeling awkward about school pick up on my days off. Can I really be friends with the other mums when I don't feel like I could be honest with any of them with how I feel about this one mum?

Hoping someone else has experienced this and can give me some pointers. Thanks.

That sounds like a really difficult situation. Its a shame to let this one person make you back off from everyone in the group. Is there one Mum in thd group you trust more than the others to run the situation by them to get another perspective rather than keeping it to yourself.

Do a search for threads on "Wendy" on MN.
It is a very well described situation that happens surprisingly often.
The new person is welcomed into the group and targets one person to bully out of the group. It is horrid if you are the target.

Yes, you're being wendy'd. Stop bothering to say hi etc, she isn't your friend. As suggested, if there's a Mum that you are more friendly with, run it past her. Start to have come backs ready. Don't challenge her, go down the kill-her-with-kindness route. Ask her if she's feeling ok because she's being very negative tonight, or seems to be noticing a lot. Don't respond if she's posing a question, so she can't shoot you down. You've got to go in with the mindset 'you poor thing' because in some way she considers herself inferior to you. If she comment on your DH earning a lot, big it up and say, no, we don't have your problems, full of sympathy. Her getting nasty when she's had a drink won't be going unnoticed. You could even mention it to the other Mum's from the position of being worried about her. It's quite sad really.
This is getting to you because you are letting it go. Choose your tactic and you'll feel better.

Thank you for these comments it is much appreciated. The mum I'm closest with out of the group of 6 mums (let's call her Amanda) would also be the mum that is closest to the mum that is being quite rude (let's call her Wendy lol). I think this is why I've kept quiet. Should I still go there and let Amanda know? I don't think she would be the type of person to judge me and stop being friends with me she is very accepting. I'm just a bit over making up excuses of why I'm not available to go out with them. Penoka7 funny that you say that because my husband has bit back at her a few times and she backs right down and he wants me to be more vocal. The thing is I'm not confrontational at all I hate it and would rather remove myself from a situation before it ever gets to that point.

1. Block the phone number
2. Next time she is bitchy or passive aggressive, call her on it, in public and with witnesses. To be clear, by ‘call her on it’, I mean openly acknowledge her behaviour. I don’t mean threaten her with handbags at dawn behind the bike sheds. Don’t do it in an aggressive manner. Smile sweetly and say ‘is that why you ignore me when I say hello?’ Or ‘is that why you seem to dislike me so much?’.

Seriously, life is too short to deal with crap like this. Be direct and let the cards fall where they may.

Don't remove yourself though, that's terrible you'd lose everyone because of one person. Are you sure nobody else has noticed? Next time she says something you need to find a way to draw people's attention to it. And I mean as many people as possible. Think of the advice you'd give your child. Tell someone. You've done nothing wrong.

Do a search for threads on "Wendy" on MN.
It is a very well described situation that happens surprisingly often.
The new person is welcomed into the group and targets one person to bully out of the group.

I agree with this advice, maybe something / someone on one of those threads can help you

Surely you don’t need to “let Amanda know”

If she’s been present at these social events, then he will have witnessed for herself?

Don't remove yourself from the group.
Next time she says anything reply with the standard MN reply "are you trying to be deliberately rude?" or "that's nice dear" or "how lovely"
You can bet your bottom dollar the other mums have noticed that she's bullying you and are probably hoping you'll put her in her place, I know I would.
Stop smiling or saying hi to her, pretend you don't see her at school.
Whatever you do do not leave the group, she'll have won then, don't give her the satisfaction.
It takes some balls to stick up for yourself but you only need to do it once and it will be liberating and come much easier next time.
If she tries to start an argument say "you clearly don't like me, I'm not going to argue with you but I'm also not going to allow your continued comments to go unchallenged"
Then ignore, ignore, ignore

YY to everything here OP. And DO NOT leave the group!

Also it is a 'Wendy-ing' situation, but OP is not technically being Wendi-ed ? . . . if OP had been the one to introduce mean mum to group that would've meant she had been Wendi-ed. Is that right?

Stay strong OP!

@user1493423934
Yes you’re right re being wendi-ed.

Op. Remember bullies are the biggest cowards.

Agree with others - do not let her bully you out of the group.

Never let her back you into a corner - every time call her out on it. Once she knows you’ve got a backbone she’ll soon stop.

If you continue to get phone calls say in a cheery voice Hello little twat face (whatever her child is called), Is that you again? How are you? Say hi to your mum? And laugh in their face.

Turn it around and stop being intimidated.

This sort of shit makes me so thankful my kids are out of school. Don’t bend OP - take the advice offered here and stand your ground. You will feel better about yourself even if she does remain a sad sack

Surely Amanda has seen the rudeness for herself?