To want to know how to make friends?

[tegannotsovegan]

Just that, really.

I’m 23, with a 3 year old son, a partner of (almost) 2 years, I have a wonderful job (that actually makes me feel fulfilled!) and I have ADHD. Due to my ADHD, I have trouble keeping friendships because I genuinely just get too overwhelmed to keep friends. Meeting up, talking on the phone or via text, all on a regular or semi-regular basis… it honestly exhausts me.
But I am so lonely, other than my partner and son. I have absolutely no friends and I moved 100 miles away to live with my partner (bad memories associated with my home town, I no longer felt comfortable living there) so I can’t really reconnect with anyone from my home town.

I really like singing - that’s the only hobby I have, but even that is fading away as I don’t really find pleasure in it anymore.

I just feel a bit… stuck. My partner encourages me to make friends (as partners should) and to be more independent but I really struggle because I don’t like going out by myself as I get easily overwhelmed and need another person there to distract me (and help me with my son when he gets overwhelmed, too).

I have tried counselling multiple times, as well as anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and nothing seems to help so far.

I just don’t really know what to do.

AIBU to be a 23-year-old who needs advice on how to make friends?

Also, if I do get any replies to my post and I give out more information that isn’t in my OP, I promise I’m not trying to drip feed - I have trouble recalling things until I’m specifically asked questions about it.

Of course you're not being unreasonable to ask for help. Anyone can find themselves a bit stuck sometimes.

What about going to a gym a couple of times a week to start getting used to going out? Perhaps take a class, yoga, whatever, and ease into talking to people outside of work and home.

I remember feeling so lonely when I had my first child and then I started to go to play groups often, which benefitted my children and the bonus was making myself some friends too.
Could you got to play groups? Do you have a sure start near you?

*go

I think a good place for you to start would be a support group for people with ADHD, have you looked to see if there are any on Facebook even? And if there are local people on it they might have meet ups or you could arrange your own. It would be nice for you to connect with people who understand and can support you.

I've also noticed on my local mums group someone new to the area asking if anyone would like to get together on a certain morning in the park to let the kids play together. So you could try to get an informal little group together and get chatting to other mums that way too?

@BastardMonkfish

I think a good place for you to start would be a support group for people with ADHD, have you looked to see if there are any on Facebook even? And if there are local people on it they might have meet ups or you could arrange your own. It would be nice for you to connect with people who understand and can support you.

I've also noticed on my local mums group someone new to the area asking if anyone would like to get together on a certain morning in the park to let the kids play together. So you could try to get an informal little group together and get chatting to other mums that way too?

@BastardMonkfish

I don’t use Facebook anymore (or any social media, unless MN is social media) as it was becoming toxic to my mental health but I could do a Google and see if there is anything similar on there.

I’ve tried arranging something with some local mums before but the plans fell through and when I’ve tried suggesting another meet-up, they just don’t reply. We’re moving to a new area in about a months time and the mums were from that new area.

It’s like everywhere I go I feel like I’m being judged for various reasons, you know?

@Aquamarine1029

I used to use the gym quite regularly but stopped going as I used to get laughed at (really not sure why), but when I move to our new house in a few weeks I am going to try to start going again

@Ifyouarehappyandyouknowit21

This is definitely something I could try. I didn’t know they did playgroups for children over the age of 1, really. So thank you for the suggestion :)

[quote tegannotsovegan]@Ifyouarehappyandyouknowit21

This is definitely something I could try. I didn’t know they did playgroups for children over the age of 1, really. So thank you for the suggestion :)[/quote]
Lots of play groups are 0-5. 😊 I went often for almost 5 years.

It appears that you struggle with social communication so you could benefit from CBT & training around this. Some people with ADHD also have autistic traits & social communitication is a key area of difficulty for people with autism. You might find some of these webinars on executive function and communication helpful.
thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/services/events/
There will be a lot of crossovers with ADHD & Autism in these topics.

adhdfoundation.org.uk/

Do you actually want friends, though, if you find seeing them, phoning them or messaging them overwhelming, and don’t like going out on your own or with your son without someone to distract you if you get overwhelmed? I mean, how do you envisage friendships working? What will they bring to your life?

Did you know the people you invited to do something in the new area?

Could you join a local singing group op - rock choir or pop choir or some other one - meet up group had one but it was solo singing so wasn’t my thing.
Local walking groups.
Definitely play groups but did you say you work full time.
Meet up have lots of groups - there maybe one for ADHD?
Good luck

Are you sure people were laughing at you? as much as people can be awful do you think your anxiety takes over and they perhaps weren’t?

@PallasStrand

Do you actually want friends, though, if you find seeing them, phoning them or messaging them overwhelming, and don’t like going out on your own or with your son without someone to distract you if you get overwhelmed? I mean, how do you envisage friendships working? What will they bring to your life?

Did you know the people you invited to do something in the new area?

@PallasStrand

I want friends because I’m lonely and I don’t really have anyone else to see. My partner works full time (though from home 3/5 days of the week) and my partners parents also work so I really don’t have anyone to see. I’m lonely.

@Auntienumber8

Are you sure people were laughing at you? as much as people can be awful do you think your anxiety takes over and they perhaps weren’t?

@Auntienumber8

Honestly, they were pointing at me and laughing and it really made me self conscious. I already struggle with my self esteem so I felt even worse after that 😅

My friend has just started up a local group called Singing Mamas, I think they are all over the country. It's for Mums/women of all ages to get together, socialise and sing, sounds like you would enjoy that? Hopefully one near you! www.singingmamaschoir.com/

I think the "feeling overwhelmed" at going out, texting or phoning is a bit unusual, so standard advice about friendships might not work for you. I didn't know that this could be part of adhd, though I do know that autism and anxiety can both cause this. Maybe reach out on the mental health boards to see if others experience the same thing.

If it is something you can work on, that would help a lot. If it's just a fixed part of you, then you need to figure out what kind of friendships would suit you and not be overwhelming.

I know that females present differently to males with ADHD so it's worth contacting ADHD support groups as well. Previous suggestions of attending hobby groups like choirs where you slot into an activity could work. The focus is on the activity and the social side comes later.

Look into getting cognitive behavioural therapy and counselling to equip you with skills to help you tackle difficult situations.