To ask experienced single parents for some positivity?

[Treesinthewind]

Afternoon everyone,

It's two years since I left my son's father and I think the adrenaline of a very stressful separation is wearing off, leaving me exhausted. It wasn't a healthy relationship and he had a lot of mental health issues which I eventually wasn't able to help him with. Sadly, he took his own life in December.

It's me and my five year old now, with a lot of support from my parents. But by gosh it's hard. I feel like it's finally hitting me that this is my life now and what that means, in terms of being my son's only parent, supporting him with his grief, working on my own problematic thoughts and behaviours around relationships, on top of working full-time and dealing with horrific bedtimes. It all feels impossible right now, and ai can't see it getting better.

I've got some very good friends but they live miles away, and my last relationship wasn't conducive to making friends so I feel very lonely. It's hard to make friends and do new activities when my parents are my only childcare and I fee guilty relying on them.

I was hoping to hear from some people who've been in similar spots and have moved on and created a life for themselves, and what that looked like.

When I was in the relationship I thought I would be trapped in an unhappy situation forever, and now I'm not, but I still feel so restricted and lacking in confidence. Can anyone share any words of wisdom of encouragement?

my advice is stop feeling guilty about relying on your parents for childcare, if they offer/are happy, then let them carry on.. having other positive adult role models in their life is important for your kids.

I'm 4 years into single mom mode, and my two are a older at pre-teens, but my Ex had very little input when we were together, other than to shout/scream/throw his weight around.. i did all the parenting on my own anyway.

Just remember, it'll take a while to find out who you are without them.. my lifeline has been investing in friendships i made through a hobby/interest.. mostly online, but i did find a small few locally who are amazing.

Just hang in there, it gets better

Single parent for last 4 years here, one dd and there are definitely a lot of pluses! My dd also used to be a nightmare at bedtimes, she was needy and hadn't responded well to all the change. She was 4 when we separated. Time and firm boundaries has solved that and I had my evenings back by the time she was 6 😊
It's been a tough time for everyone to make friends but it'll get easier now everyone can mingle more. When you do meet people I'd suggest offering to help others as much as you can - other single mums, or even married couples can be just as in need of a free evening as you, and having an extra kid for a playdate or sleepover isn't much extra work. Before you know it the favours will be returned and you'll be building up a whole supper network! My house is often full of other peoples kids and in turn my dd is often invited out to different places too 😊
As time goes on, the drudgery of single parenthood will lessen, your ds will become more independent and fun to hang out with. You'll be able to watch movies you both enjoy not just cartoons and have days out that are fun for you both! I took dd on a lovely holiday and road trip pre covid and it was so much fun just having us to think about and not juggling the wants of a partner or several kids.
You've gotten through the hardest bit now, I promise it'll get easier! X

*support not supper network oops!

Single Mum to 3.5 year old daughters. I left their father when they were 5 months old.
I don't have any family to help out and the Dad rarely visits. If he does, it's ordinarily for one day.
So, I get no break, have no support and am always struggling financially.
But, I've moved us to a new town, started making some new acquaintances and I have got them into a great preschool.
Life sucks a lot of the time, but I have two wonderful little girls and no dipshit of a partner systematically fucking up my life.
I'm so sorry to hear you have been through such a rough time. X

It takes time to rebuild a new life . At the moment you are neither here or there. Your old way of life has gone, but your not yet where you want to be.
I remember feeling very trapped, l had two sons looking to me, yet l felt so lost and out of my depth.
I think for me overtime l developed more self confidence in my abilities as a single, widowed mother. I wanted to be a good role model for my sons. . Also l knew l was really the only person they could depend upon, I didn't want to let them down. life had already been very hard for them, so l was committed to getting on track and making a success of it.
l worked hard on myself, on overcoming my fears, my mental conditioning, my self care, basically everything that was holding me back. l focused more on what l did have in my life, rather than what l didnt, and to know everything in life is a stage, it comes and it goes. Nothing stays the same for ever. To try and be comfortable with who l was and where l was.
It's easier now my sons are older. I used to worry about how they would turn out, there's a lot of negativity regarding children who lose a parent early. But what l discovered is that it is often the opposite, because like you they grow extra muscle, grit and self reliance.
I was surprised to read that 67 per cent of British prime ministers from the start of the 19 th century to the start of World War 2 had lost a parent before the age of 16, and almost one third of USA Presidents had lost a father whilst young.
My advice would be to read about other people who have been in similar situations, lots of widowed foruns, , authors , YouTube , Ted talks , etc.
To allow your life to naturally unfold at its own pace. To take care of you.
I am eight years on and live a calm and peaceful way of life , that is my priority now, it's still interesting and has its quirks. I am at peace with my past, and optimistic regarding my future.
I hope this has helped you and l wish you and your son the very best of luck.

Single parent x3 here, two adults, one teen. Yes it's hard, but nearly as hard as being in a bad relationship, or as hard as trying to co-parent with someone who is messing up your kid's head. Accept that the buck stops with you, but take all the help that is offered, especially by other people who love your son. Find something you like doing for yourself and (if you can afford it and the bedtimes settle down) pay a babysitter so you can do it.
As a working single parent you will probably be skint, tired and guilty most days for the next decade, so make a point of appreciating all the good things and notice the days when it feels as though you are winning through.

Make arrangements to visit your friends, and start cultivating new friendships, with other single parents especially, but also couples with similar aged children. When you don't have a partner you have more space for friendships, which is great, and also good for an only child.

You can have a really great life as a single parent, but only once you let go of the idea that you need a partner to be a 'proper family'. Be gentle with yourself, it sounds as though you have gone through a lot of really emotionally exhausting stuff, and need to bottom out and find your feet again.

Give it time. Get to know yourself properly and begin to feel proud of getting out of a bad relationship and being a great mum.
It's a bloody hard job at times, lonely and thankless. But I wouldn't swap my single parent years. They shaped me into who I am today and they built an incredibly strong bond between me and my DC.
I'm now happily in a new relationship but I took the time to be alone first and that meant I wasn't rushing into anything until I was absolutely sure about it.

Can you afford therapy? You've been through an awful lot. I was a single parent for around 9 years - I resisted therapy at first but ultimately not only did I learn a lot about myself, it also made me a better parent.

I became a lone parent when DC were 4 and 5
They are now 28 and 29
It took me a while to get my head round it all and lack of money and lack of family support with child care were the main issues
However I’ve built a successful new career, had 2 long term relationships - seen quite a lot of the world and brought up 2 amazing DC who are now wonderful adults
We are all very close and I am very happy with my lot

Thank you so much for your kindness and compassion everyone. I'll take some time to absorb all your advice, but it's already helping.

Lone parent here mine were 6 weeks 5 and 8 when literally all in the space of 1 day I became both homeless and a lone parent
Yes it was hard I would say the 2nd year was the hardest emotionally.
I am now 17 years later amazing relationship with my 3 DCs and a successful career
I unfortunately didn't have much support and it's been really challenging due to circumstances for my DCs but we made it its lonely and hard having to make every decision no-one to bounce off , its exhausting being everything for all 3 of them and their individual needs.
But I would fo it all again in a heartbeat yo have the amazing 3 DCs I have

You're in a hard place, so be kind to yourself. Helping you with childcare is probably a joy to your parents, if you don't take them for granted.

What I would say is, don't overlook slowly building a social life.

Single parent here to teens. It's been the three of us since they were tiny. It gets easier. I think the thing I missed the most was sharing their successes with a partner - so I just shared them with my parents and friends instead. I wouldn't have it any other way now. We've spent the loveliest time together over the years just the three of us. We are incredibly close. I felt a lot of guilt to begin with, but actually I consider myself very lucky and fortunate now. I had one of those happy reflective moments this evening funnily enough.

I've always been a single parent so I don't know any different but it was hard when DS was younger because I was lonely and we were in a new area. My DS is 7 now and I'm really happy with it being just us. As others have said it takes time. Gradually between his clubs and school I've made friends/ acquaintances of other parents. I invite people round or go and meet up in parks/woods etc. We go out for breakfast every weekend but just the 2 of us. I feel like the routine of it all really suits me and I think I'll be a bit sad when he wants to do things without me!

That said, I still sometimes dream about being able to leave him on his own in the house to go out walking/to the shops. I think what I've learned is that I can make friends wherever I go so/whatever the situation so when he grows up I'll just move on again. I'm planning to up my hours at work when he's a bit older (I'm part time now) so that'll give me new opportunities. I feel very lucky to have the life I've got.

Try and look at the positives. You don't answer to anyone now and a relationship isn't the be all and end all. You might find you enjoy it being just the two of you after a while. At the moment everything will still be quite raw but honestly it'll get better.

I left dc dad when dc were 1 and 6. Its been so hard sometimes but life is so much better, easier and more beautiful than when I was caught up in someone else's significant mental health issues.
You've been through such a lot, be kind to yourself and celebrate the days when things feel easier. As other pp have said, it takes time to build a new life up - keep reaching out to others even when it feels hard. Hugs