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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner is handsome but I don't fancy him

15 replies

NoFrills01 · 29/08/2021 17:08

Anyone else?

My partner is a handsome man, I know he is attractive man, when we first met we were just insatiable he ticked all the boxes, but since DD who is now 5 I'm just not attracted to him at all in everyway! Our bedroom life is non existent.

I'm just switched off and shut down, I just don't want him or the sex with him, but I do want sex!

We don't even kiss or cuddle anymore, I find his annoying ways and forgetfulness in our home and DD life beyond irritating, it doesn't matter what I do or try I still do everything, and burn myself out and struggle.

I don't know what to do about it, family have suggested couple counselling ect but in all honesty I think this is just life and Men (some of them) just being bloody hard work at home, and the result is the woman just switches off.

OP posts:
Givemethatknife · 29/08/2021 22:33

saying that men are just like that is letting them off the hook big time. This is not nature, it’s something he’s learned / assumes he can get away with. You’ve just come out of the preschool frontline of parenting. You won’t feel you can put up with this in 5 years, never mind 15. I don’t think you have any choice but to sit down in counselling with him, unless you want to get more miserable every year. Sorry it’s turned out this way, but you don’t have to live with it.

Sparklesocks · 29/08/2021 22:40

It sounds like your resentment towards him for not pulling his weight at home has turned you off completely and removed any intimacy and attraction. Understandable, it’s hard to find someone sexy when you have to pick up after them all the time. Physical appearances can’t override that.

But it’s not just a case of all men are like that and you should accept it. Although you’ll need to weigh up if you really want to try and rejuvenate things, or if it’s too late.

SpacePotato · 29/08/2021 22:43

You don't have to stay with him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/08/2021 22:51

Resentment towards my exh did put me off him, no doubt.

dotdotdotdash · 29/08/2021 23:24

I used to love a handsome man but now what makes me hot is a man who uses a diary, takes a partnership role in running the household, demonstrates a bit of ambition, and can be relied upon to get things done. My ex is very attractive but he also let me down left, right and centre; and strangely enough I didn't find that a turn on.

You could try explaining to your man that your desire for him might be revived if he got organised and acted like a true partner. He might wake up and step up to his responsibilities, but then again, he might not. At that point, you might decide to leave!

Anordinarymum · 29/08/2021 23:28

When we are young we judge the opposite sex by looks. My husband was very good looking - heads turned when he walked by - and that was nice but after a while I realised we had nothing in common plus he turned into a bully, and was unfaithful a lot.
Looks don't mean a thing

sleepyhoglet · 29/08/2021 23:41

Absolutely. Give me an organised, tidy man who listens and holds a conversation (even about mundane stuff like naming the kids school uniform!) any day

Tcht888 · 29/08/2021 23:52

My dh is handsome. However, the turn on for me is when he is supportive and does jobs. He knows this too. He's guaranteed an evening of love and attention if he's mowed the lawn, put the washing on, cleaned the kitchen and made tea... Hence, he does it most evenings 😂

thebeatingofthedrums · 29/08/2021 23:58

Are you attracted to anyone, OP?

I'm wondering if you've shut down with him because you resent him, or if you've shut down on sex altogether because you're just generally knackered.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2021 23:59

You don't fancy your partner because any respect you had for him is gone. It's been replaced with resentment and anger. There's no coming back from this.

WomanStanleyWoman · 30/08/2021 00:03

I’ve no idea what he’s actually done wrong. You just sound a bit bored - and somehow that’s his fault.

NiceGerbil · 30/08/2021 01:14

Relationships have peaks and troughs. That's totally normal.

I think a lot of the time there are more for women in how they feel.

Hormones make a lot of difference
Pregnancy
BF
perimenopause
Etc

After children it can take a while to get back to normal due to injuries, tiredness, getting to grips with looking after a baby etc

With children generally they can be hard work. Tiredness, periods of feeling low. And sex opportunities reduce massively and often not at the right time in terms of fancying it!

Men go through this as well or at least some do. They aren't machines either.

It's one of those things. You need to talk to him about it. You both need to see what you want to do or if ok to leave it a bit and see if things pick up again.

That's usual in relationships too, to share how you're feeling.

Stick with don't fancy it rather than him obv! Because when for whatever reason you don't fancy it obviously the desire isn't there.

NiceGerbil · 30/08/2021 01:16

Oh sorry missed the end! My answer was rubbish.

Are you having much relaxing/ nice time just with him? 5yo are hard. And we've all been stuck away for 18 months. Without that everyone gets annoying surely.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/08/2021 01:18

Beauty is only skin deep it is actions respect and consideration that makes a person beautiful.
Yanbu.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/08/2021 01:26

I’m the in the same position, I now call him out on his BS and get sorry, sorry, but no change whatsoever. Thankfully he works away. I have the ick and can’t see it changing tbh

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