To feel exhausted at some people's relationships

JudesBiggestFan · 2021-08-29T11:11:34+00:00

My sister has been dating a man for three years, since getting divorced. She has a 12 year old daughter. The man has made it very clear he won't commit and is only happy to see her three/four times a week. Every time she raises any suggestion of moving forward, he storms off and asks why she has to get heavy/ruin everything. They row constantly...again, he storms off home, leaving her distraught. Many nasty words said on both sides. Two days later, he's back round, all hunky dory- til the next time. There's no future in it, there's endless drama...and yet neither of them will just bloody end it. I've had to tell her I can't listen to it anymore...she's 41, not 17 and after living through her tumultuous marriage, I just can't waste my time on advice that she just never listens to. I've been married for 12 years, my brother the same, my mom and dad for 50 so it's not like it's normal even to her. Why do some people seem to thrive on drama...or at least be unable to walk away from it?? It looks so exhausting!

Royalbloo · 29/08/2021 13:45

Have you heard the phrase, "We repeat what we don't repair"? She's trying the same thing and hoping for a different outcome and it's not going to work...

Coriandersucks · 29/08/2021 13:49

Some people don’t do relationships very well. I’m sure being surrounded by family with such wonderful and successful relationships hasn’t gone by unnoticed by your dsis - she may be trying to replicate that and the thought of another relationship failing might be too much for her so she’s trying to keep the one she has in the hope it’s her happy ever after.

FizzyPink · 29/08/2021 13:50

My Aunt used to be like this. When I was growing up she’d turn up on our doorstep having had a blazing row with her husband and walked out on him and the kids. She’d then stay for a few days or a week and we’d come home from school to find they’d made up and she’d left as quickly as she arrived.

My parents thankfully had a very stable relationship with no arguing or anything so I remember being totally baffled at grown ups acting this way.

the80sweregreat · 29/08/2021 20:49

Someone I know had a relationship like this for many years : it's finally over ( so she said) but I'm not convinced.
Some people like the drama or just can't let go ? ( he is horrible , so it's a mystery )

Jangle33 · 29/08/2021 21:25

She probably thinks your relationship is deadly boring!

Original poster

JudesBiggestFan · 29/08/2021 22:13

@Jangle33 ha ha, I don't doubt it. It is I guess...but a couple of bad relationships in my 20s and drama lost it's appeal. I can't imagine being called the c word, someone walking out on me in front of friends in a restaurant, someone telling me they'll never marry or move in with me and yet going back for more? It's that being someone's definition of love when it is so so toxic that saddens me.

OP posts:

PearlyBird · 29/08/2021 22:21

She doesn't want drama though. She wants stability. I agree the pressure of having happily settled family members is probably adding to the stress. But this guy sounds awful. She needs to give up on him.

His ongoing rejection of her is probably lowering her sense of herself and making her believe she could never find anybody who was certain about her (and this is after her divorce, so her self doubt is human) he is making her feel like commitment is SCARCE so now she has a kind of scarcity mindset wrt relationships I suppose. He won't commit and that compounds her views that it's really hard to find somebody.

Which it is. I never managed it. I didn't want drama but a lot of people dumped me..........

I wish I'd figured it out earlier. Don't care now. Tell her that you'd admire her if she ended it and took away his options.

Cam2020 · 29/08/2021 22:25

She probably thinks your relationship is deadly boring!

I bet her (theoretical) kids don't though! Its, massively unfair in her her child to put her through this and model such horrible and chaotic relationships.

Have you heard the phrase, "We repeat what we don't repair"? She's trying the same thing and hoping for a different outcome and it's not going to work...

Isn't that also the definition of lunacy?!

Original poster

JudesBiggestFan · 29/08/2021 22:27

@PearlyBird oh I have told her. Two years ago when he said it was never going to happen. I can't express to you how little this guy wants commitment. He walked out on his daughter's mom 13 years ago and didnt have another relationship til my sister. I could weep for the lack of self-esteem but she has stopped telling me stuff because we row everything time I tell her she's worth more, it's better to be single than to be clinging on etc. He's getting what he wants...sex three times a week with no commitment and I honestly think he'd shrug if she dumped him. He just can't be arsed with the drama of doing it himself so he takes what he can get and storms off every time she asks for more. Amazing how many people in real life say to her at least she's got companionship, it's not easy finding a man to take on kids...it's depressing.

OP posts:

housemdwaswrong · 29/08/2021 22:45

She sounds like my sister. I've given up on her literally. It was too draining after 20+ years of it. I'm just grateful she never had kids.

She chose ubsuitable guy, after unsuitable guy. Moved in with them within weeks or a few months. Spend a couple years arguing, drama after drama, then when it eventually died, a few weeks later she'd repeat the same cycle.

I gave up last year, when she went back to her draggy ex after he threw a knife at her while on crack. And yes, I know it sounds harsh, she's a victim etc, but she was equally involved in the drug side of that relationship, and she's 50. Some people you just can't help.

Caveat: Thee way your sister doesn't sound like mine is that mine is a manipulative sociopathic bitch too, so I'm not recommending you cut her off. More of a sympathy post because people have no idea how draining it is to constantly pick up the pieces just to have them thrown back at you.

Babyroobs · 29/08/2021 23:14

I always feel sorry for the kids in all this drama. People need to put their kids first, not have a bloke semi-living there four nights a week then endless drama, tears and rows.

OhDearMuriel · 30/08/2021 09:36

Totally understand OP.
I’ve got a friend like this and it’s totally and utterly draining.
I think she thinks I’m her unpaid psychologist.
Sadly she is alienating herself as people frankly get absolutely sick of it.

PearlyBird · 30/08/2021 10:00

@Mustfly it's sad. She'd be so much better off single. :-/
I never found anybody who'd commit to me (that I wanted) but being single is very healing. I wish she'd understand that.
I don't know what you can do. You can't give somebody else an epiphany.

AngelPrint · 30/08/2021 10:49

@Jangle33

She probably thinks your relationship is deadly boring!

Got if people genuinely think a good stable relationship is boring then I feel sorry for them. Repeating the same unnecessary drama week in week out with the same never ending results would bore this shit out of me.

SecretSpAD · 30/08/2021 10:50

It may be draining to you, but at the end of the day you have your lovely stable marriage and husband. She has no one.

It wasn't until I left an abusive relationship many years ago that I realised just how much society judges women for their relationships. I was seen as being weak and pathetic and desperate for staying in that relationship. Then a loser and pathetic for leaving and deciding to make up for the years of being stuck in said relationship by having a good time (dating and shagging lots of men).

It's easy to judge someone's actions from a position of happiness. It's easy for you to say you are fed up with her drama- but think for a moment about how she feels. Do you think she's happy? Do you think that she just doesn't want to have what the rest of your family have? Do you not think that she already feels the loser, the pathetic one who can't keep a man and can't get a decent one? However fed up you are....she's 100 times more sick of the situation so be the good sister, please.

PearlyBird · 30/08/2021 10:57

I don't think there's any evidence that she thinks that?
Somebody else up thread said it.

After all, she wants her bf to commit.

She is making the mistake of falling in to line with his agenda instead of honoring her own. A mistake I used to make, when my self-esteem wasn't great.

I also allowed that ONE person I was with at the time to define my worth as a woman. If they didn't want me, I took that as proof that I wasn't a commit-to kind of woman. I didn't see it that they were just shabby articles wandering around using whoever would put up with their bs.

If only the sister could get turned off by men who aren't certain about her. That's what happened to me eventually. It took me about 12 years to get there though. left an abusive man and dated a few more ''gentler'' users. IYKWIM. Finally I got to the point where I was just really viscerally turned off by these men who wanted to spend time with me but at a cost to my well being.

I don't know how you get somebody ELSE to that point though.
I did a lot of reading, watching you tube videos, therapy (two times, 13 years ago and last year). Family dynamics, issues to do with boundaries and assertiveness, self compassion. You can't just hand it over to somebody. Even though you know it's possible that they could see it eventually. It's frustrating.

PearlyBird · 30/08/2021 11:03

@SecretSpAD this is true. I was judged for having children with a man who wouldn't marry me, also judged for leaving him. Judged for being single (for at leave five years). Then later judged for trying to meet somebody else! Sad to be single! But also sad to try and meet somebody. So needy! Learn to be alone! And worst of all I was definitely judging myself for a series of short flings, but if they'd been honest then either the 'fling' wouldn't have got off the ground or if they'd meant what they said then the flings might have lasted longer. Basically, I didn't know they were just flings until I was dumped/ghosted/told my faults by a narcissist.
I've forgiven myself for all of it now. It was what it was. It was never easy. Never obvious to me at the time. Now I just stay single.

thepeopleversuswork · 30/08/2021 11:04

@Babyroobs

I always feel sorry for the kids in all this drama. People need to put their kids first, not have a bloke semi-living there four nights a week then endless drama, tears and rows.

Well, I don’t disagree on the drama point. But I don’t necessarily think a bloke living with you is optimal for kids.

I have deliberately chosen for my boyfriend not to move in because I want the default to be my daughter and I and she shares this desire.

My boyfriend is happy with this (he is also considerate and respectful and not afraid of commitment which helps). But I don’t think any of us loses out by not having my boyfriend move in.

If anything I think often adults with children rush to cohabit to the detriment of their children’s needs and often what’s best for the child is to have a stable home with their parent without having a man move in.

StripeyDeckchair · 30/08/2021 11:39

A friend & her partner are like this - always having huge rows, he doesn't pull his weight, she's going to leave him...etc

I've pulled back hugely from this friendship as I'm sick of every time we meet 75% of it being all about her, him & their dysfunctional relationship on a loop.

She either hasn't noticed, doesn't acre or has found someone else to moan at.

Albgo · 30/08/2021 11:44

@Royalbloo

Have you heard the phrase, "We repeat what we don't repair"? She's trying the same thing and hoping for a different outcome and it's not going to work...

I've never heard that before, but it's depressingly true and actually really helpful for me to have read. Thank you.

ABitOfAShitShow · 30/08/2021 11:47

@SecretSpAD

It may be draining to you, but at the end of the day you have your lovely stable marriage and husband. She has no one.

It wasn't until I left an abusive relationship many years ago that I realised just how much society judges women for their relationships. I was seen as being weak and pathetic and desperate for staying in that relationship. Then a loser and pathetic for leaving and deciding to make up for the years of being stuck in said relationship by having a good time (dating and shagging lots of men).

It's easy to judge someone's actions from a position of happiness. It's easy for you to say you are fed up with her drama- but think for a moment about how she feels. Do you think she's happy? Do you think that she just doesn't want to have what the rest of your family have? Do you not think that she already feels the loser, the pathetic one who can't keep a man and can't get a decent one? However fed up you are....she's 100 times more sick of the situation so be the good sister, please.

I was going to say something just like this but this nails it.