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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I expecting too much from sick husband?

19 replies

Maggie178 · 28/08/2021 13:52

My oh has had a horrific year. He went into kidney failure, had months of dialysis and then had a transplant. He's only 37 and it all came out of the blue. While he's been ill I've had to become the main bread winner, look after two young children and help him. I offered to be his kidney donor but I wasn't a match. Our marriage wasn't great before his illness. Before his transplant we talked about the future and what we wanted he promised to make an effort with various things eg. Making more of an effort with kids and work on our marriage.
He is still recovering but AIBU to expect him to make an effort in little ways like not criticising things I've done and not loosing his temper and shouting at the kids everyday?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2021 13:55

You’re not at all unreasonable to want him to stop criticising you or picking in your DC. You’ve both been through an awful time, that will already have had a huge impact on them.

He sounds like he needs help coming to terms with what’s happened and what the future will look like but ruining your family isn’t acceptable. The DC won’t this part of their childhoods back.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/08/2021 13:55

Well yes, of course BUT it sounds like both of you have been under a great deal of stress recently and it's easy to get cranky if you're poorly. Shouldn't be shouting at the kids ,can't he shut himself away for a bit if he needs peace and quiet?

Babyroobs · 28/08/2021 13:56

YANBU. Is he depressed or something or was he like this before he became ill ? I imagine he is awfully frustrated at not being able to do the things he wants to do but he needs to respect and acknowledge just how much you are doing.

AluckyEllie · 28/08/2021 14:01

Hmm, it’s hard isn’t it. He’s had a hugely life changing episode of illness and you sympathise with that. When was his transplant?

However, it doesn’t give him a free pass to be a shit. Do you have a plan for the next year or 6 months? Is he going back to work, if so when would that be? Is he helping around the house, looking after the kids when you work? You say your marriage wasn’t great prior- had you considered leaving or was it more minor than that?

Do you think he might need some counselling? He is young and it’s sounds like he was previously healthy so has this made him realise his own mortality- a bit depressed?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2021 14:05

You say your marriage was in a bad way before his illness. What was he like with you and the DC then? Are criticising and shouting part of his usual MO or are they a feature of his illness/recovery?

Just wanted to say that you don’t have to stay with him if it’s costing you or especially your children too much. You have to put them first.

Original poster
Maggie178 · 28/08/2021 14:30

He is planning to go back to work at the end of the year. He'll look after eldest but not youngest as he struggles with him. He does help with housework mainly because mine doesn't meet his standards. I had found somewhere else to live before his diagnosis. I have suggested councilling - he wasn't interested. I know he probably needs more time but I'm just not sure how much longer I can stand living like this.

OP posts:
SlipSlop · 28/08/2021 14:36

If you were thinking of leaving him before he became ill, then you need to leave now he is better.

You have looked after him but he hasn't changed, in that he still criticises you and the children. So it is now time to end things. Do not feel guilty doing so.

Hungry675tf · 28/08/2021 14:37

Parents can't just pick and chose which child to look after, thats ridiculous. He's basically refusing to parent one child and expecting you to fall in line and cover up him being a dick. Your kids will grow to know he favours one over the other.

I think even with his illness he is being completely unreasonable. He either gets a grip or he goes.

femfemlicious · 28/08/2021 14:41

I know its off point but how did he get a transplant so quickly.

FourTeaFallOut · 28/08/2021 14:42

He is still recovering but AIBU to expect him to make an effort in little ways like not criticising things I've done and not loosing his temper and shouting at the kids everyday?

Yanbu. It's not like you are asking him to get up and chip in, you are just asking that he doesn't make your life harder by being a dick.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 14:42

YANBU,
But I do know that kidney failure is very painful to experience and he must have been feeling pain long before the diagnosis and even now that he is post transplant. Has he got any pain management at all? Many men refuse to admit they are in pain and they lash out at their family because the pain makes them in a very bad mood all the time.

I think that you don’t mind doing most of the housework and childcare while he is unwell, so long as he’d be appreciative and content with your way of doing things. If you can find out why he is so grumpy and mean all the time, and if he can fix that, you might find the man you fell in love with somewhere under all that. Ask him to be honest about how much pain he is in.

Original poster
Maggie178 · 28/08/2021 14:52

Got it his transplant so quickly because his brother was absolutely amazing and gave him his one of his kidneys

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/08/2021 14:55

Just because your husband is recovering, it doesn't excuse his abuse. Don't raise your children in this environment. He either stops this bullshit or it's over.

KidneyNewName · 28/08/2021 14:57

Hi.

I wanted to comment as I have been where your husband was.

Went to doctor for something minor, 35 yrs old and diagnosed kidney failure, some months on dialysis and then a transplant. I should add to poster above, for me, this whole thing was over 2 years but if he 'crashed' into dialysis they would have escalated the timescales

On the health front. It is shocking, life changing and you have to get your head around potentially a life limiting illness (transplants don't last forever and at this age I'm fully expecting to need another). The recovery from a transplant is brutal. Tiredness like you've never known, new daily drugs with some horrible side effects and yet the world keeps on turning and everyone gets on with normality around you.

My husband really struggled to move from the role of husband to carer so early in our marriage and I relied on him for so much. We didn't have kids at the time but I know I wouldn't have been able to manage them as well. We got a cleaner to help around the house and that took the pressure off.

The shift in our marriage was significant. I was tired in the evenings, didn't want to socialise etc etc. But we had a good and strong foundation. Ive no idea how we would have coped if we were already rocky.

All in all I reckon post transplant it took me a year to get emotionally, mentally and physically better from the transplant (almost back to 'normal').

Here's the BUT... I couldn't have been more appreciative of my husband. I told him, was kind to him, thanked him and tried to do small things to show how valued he was. I honestly couldn't have coped without him. So while the above is to add some context, I don't think it excuses his attitude to you!

I can only suggest that perhaps he is really struggling with this all and is taking it out on you (again, not to excuse it)

YANBU to want to be appreciated for what you do. I don't think physically you can expect more from him, but kindness costs nothing.

larkstar · 28/08/2021 15:06

YANBU - you probably should put his position in perspective - remind him he is damn lucky to have you in his life - difficult as it might be for him - he needs to grow up fast, get his sh!t together and start making an effort equivalent to what you have done - what would he be doing if the situation had been reversed - do you think he could or would have done the same for you or would he have fallen short?

Lysianthus · 28/08/2021 15:07

@KidneyNewName

Hi.

I wanted to comment as I have been where your husband was.

Went to doctor for something minor, 35 yrs old and diagnosed kidney failure, some months on dialysis and then a transplant. I should add to poster above, for me, this whole thing was over 2 years but if he 'crashed' into dialysis they would have escalated the timescales

On the health front. It is shocking, life changing and you have to get your head around potentially a life limiting illness (transplants don't last forever and at this age I'm fully expecting to need another). The recovery from a transplant is brutal. Tiredness like you've never known, new daily drugs with some horrible side effects and yet the world keeps on turning and everyone gets on with normality around you.

My husband really struggled to move from the role of husband to carer so early in our marriage and I relied on him for so much. We didn't have kids at the time but I know I wouldn't have been able to manage them as well. We got a cleaner to help around the house and that took the pressure off.

The shift in our marriage was significant. I was tired in the evenings, didn't want to socialise etc etc. But we had a good and strong foundation. Ive no idea how we would have coped if we were already rocky.

All in all I reckon post transplant it took me a year to get emotionally, mentally and physically better from the transplant (almost back to 'normal').

Here's the BUT... I couldn't have been more appreciative of my husband. I told him, was kind to him, thanked him and tried to do small things to show how valued he was. I honestly couldn't have coped without him. So while the above is to add some context, I don't think it excuses his attitude to you!

I can only suggest that perhaps he is really struggling with this all and is taking it out on you (again, not to excuse it)

YANBU to want to be appreciated for what you do. I don't think physically you can expect more from him, but kindness costs nothing.

@KidneyNewName well done on your recovery, and thank you for sharing what kindness looks like. @Maggie178 you know what you need to do, the question is can you find the strength to move on, when he’s clearly bashed the stuffing out of you? I hope you can, for your sake, and your DCs. 💐
Original poster
Maggie178 · 28/08/2021 15:24

@kidneyNewName your perspective is very useful thank you. I hope you and your new kidney are doing well.

OP posts:
KidneyNewName · 28/08/2021 16:13

@Maggie178 I hope it does help. And again, it's not meant as an excuse for him.

I think a lot of people see a transplant as a cure and whilst it does make you feel better, life will never be normal again. It's like a grey cloud you just manage to blow back a bit.

I got a lot of cards post transplant with 'so pleased you're all better now' and the like. They simply don't realise the toll it can take and the ongoing issues and appointments you have to have. You will never be fully 'better' and unless you are very lucky, you will go on dialysis again and potentially have another transplant-the hope is this is a long way off.

Perhaps have a chat with him about how he is coping and the impact it is having on YOU.

If you were already wanting to leave and his behaviour hasn't improved (not only that but he's using his illness as a stick to beat everyone with) then that's not a life you should accept.

And you should not feel guilty about walking away if that is what's best for you now. It sounds like he has a very supportive family around him, he's out of the horribleness of dialysis and reassessing his life. This may be the shake up he needs

22esmeweatherwax · 28/08/2021 16:54

Recovery from transplant is hard but it doesn’t give him a free pass to treat you badly. My DH had a kidney transplant 11 years ago and I was his donor. Recovery was harder for me than for him initially and although I did the majority of the work looking after our 2 young DC at the time he was so supportive and appreciative of everything we did for him. There is no excuse for treating you like shit just because of his illness.

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