To feel guilty towards my children now I’ve taken aNew job…

[Mum21031608]

Due to having had a full time working mum when I was growing up and always feeling like I had missed out on being with her, I always knew that when I had children of my own I wouldn’t work full time if finances allowed.

After my first son was born I returned full time (37.5 hours over 3 days) but after my second son I reduced down to 25 hours a week (over two days).

As a result, over the years we have used minimal childcare and I have always been able to be really present in my children’s lives on a day to day basis.

They are currently 7 and 4 years old.

Recently though, my absolute dream job came up, it was for more hours but it was everything I had ever wanted, so I applied for it and I got the job.

It means I will be working full time now instead of my current 25 hours which obviously means I will see less of my children and we are having to substantially increase the amount of time they will spend in childcare and before/after school clubs.

I know it’s ridiculous but I feel so guilty.

Financially I don’t need to take the job and increase my hours, I’m doing it purely for selfish reasons - and I feel like my children will be paying the price for it.

I’m worried I’m really going to miss spending as much time with them and that our relationships may suffer as a result.

I also feel though like I have put my career on hold for the last 7 years and that maybe it’s time to think about me and my wants for a change. I feel like I deserve this opportunity, I’ve worked hard for it, I’ve wanted it for so many years….so I feel like maybe it’s my time to do something for me.

Maybe it’s just because I’ve been on reduced hours for so long that working full time is just an alien concept to me now but I need to accept that millions of women do it with no problems and their relationships with their children are absolutely fine, so there’s no reason to think things will be any different for me.

I don’t even know what I’m asking - my thoughts are all over the place.

I’m starting my job in two weeks so there’s no going back, not that I want to, but I just want to be able to embrace it without these niggling feelings of guilt in my mind that I’m choosing my career over my children.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you find it and did everything go work out ok in the end??

It's a tough one because of your own experience of a FT working mum. My mum worked FT al my childhood and I never felt I'd missed out. I asked my now adult kids if they'd wish I'd been a SAHM or working less hours, and they looked at me like I was mad and said no, absolutely not!

The circumstances is that they wouldn't have had the same lifestyle at all if I hadn't and they grew up to appreciate that. They are also sociable kids who have always needed to be stimulated, so they did enjoy breakfast an afterschool clubs.

Many people say that kids are tired, and that it's too much, but my experience is that it made my kids tougher. They both worked 16h+ whilst doing their A levels and getting top grades because long hours were the normality for them. Their friends who didn't refused to take on jobs because they felt it was possible to do so and still have time to study. They have found adjusting to adult life much easier.

Ultimately, if you find your kids to be very unhappy, you always have the option to give up the job anyway.

Congratulations on the new job! Be proud.

Your kids will accept life as it is - it's normal to be torn as a mum. They'll be just great, and if the job is all you hope, you'll be happier in the long term too.

Is the job over 3 days or 5?
Lots of parents work full time and the children go to breakfast and after school clubs. That's usually more fun than hanging out with your mum

The job is over 4 days: 10 hours a day.

I just feel sad about not being about to do the school drop-offs and pick-ups, going to class assemblies, being able to go into lessons when the teachers invite the parents in etc. Just generally being together after school and playing with them, going to the park, getting the paints out etc - just that sense of ‘being’ with them.

Now, by the time I get home from work, I will probably only see them for 1-1.5 hours before they go to bed.

It just doesn’t feel right. It just feel like such a big change to what I’m used to, and what they’re used to.

I’ve never ever felt guilty for working full time just because I’m female. Men do it all the time and it’s seen as the norm so shouldn’t be any different.
Mine know that working hard means we can pay the bills and have extras that benefit them. Those extras mean a lot to me after a very basic childhood.
They see it’s perfectly possible to work, look after a house and parent and I hope they go on to do the same. DH and I share the load 50/50.

You'll see them 3 days a week 'for the school drop-offs and pick-ups. Just generally being together after school and playing with them, going to the park, getting the paints out etc - just that sense of ‘being’ with them' '
And evenings. Plenty of time.

Schools are increasingly flexible about assemblies / plays and do evenings or multiple performances. Or could you come out of work for occasional assemblies?

Stop beating yourself up and congratulations.

I think as Mums we are a bit hard wired to feel guilt regardless of what we do. I don't work many hours and feel guilt over that for my own reasons. Your post is mostly about your joy in finding a job you have always wanted to do so I would say embrace that, accept that guilt will come along with you but that perhaps you can place it in the back seat as much as possible and just go for it. Your kids will be ok.

Congrats on the new job! You will have 3 days a week with them when you are not working. That is MORE than ok. It’s a role you have wanted for a long time, there is a decent balance with time for your family, it sounds great! Guilt in these circumstances seems unnecessary - you can choose to let that go and I think you should.

It's okay to want things in life outside of your kids! Yes they won't be small forever but on the flip side...they won't be small forever. They'll have their own lives and it'd be a shame for you to have regrets about missing out on your dream career when they no longer need you every day.

I totally get it OP. I worked full time when my 8YO was born and hated it. I felt guilty that I missed out on so much time with him. I then went part time when I had my 6YO. I worked evenings and was home all day with them both. I went back full time when they were 5 and 3. It was hard to begin with and I missed my youngest lots.

I think your kids are good age for you to go back full time. They don't need you there quite so much. They are in school all day, they are developing their own friendship groups and their own interests. They don't need you there to facilitate things as much. Mine don't anyway.

You are a person as well and it is just as important that you have something for yourself. My part time job was not something I ever wanted to do, but it was the perfect job for our family at that time. I always planned to move once my youngest went to school. The pay was great for great for the hours and I didn't have to pay for childcare. But it was soul destroying. I do a job now I enjoy and everyone is much happier. The extra money helps too. We definitely wouldn't be able to do as many family days out etc if I didn't work full time.

I am fortunate enough to WFH and it has also made a huge difference. It is nice during the holidays to still be home and see the kids even if I'm still working. I appreciate that's not for everyone though. Summer holidays were the worst part about being full time before I WFH because I felt like I missed so much of it.

I had FT working parents and never felt I missed out, they were happy and productive. It's also given me a strong work ethic. Is there opportunity to work FT over 4 days? DH and I both do this so we only need childcare three days a week and both have every weekend off (unless we're doing paid overtime but that's a choice)

Sorry just saw you most recent post. That's great, I love my one day off in the week with just me and DS , we have stronger finances for us both working and I am much happier being challenged in my work

Is their dad on the scene? Can he do drop offs and collections?

OP, my mum was a SAHM because it was the done thing at the time and she assumed that it would be better for us children. She was bored and unfulfilled and began to resent the loss of her career as we got older and needed her less. It is now her most bitter regret that she didn't do more to fulfil her own dreams. As a teenager, I was wracked by guilt for getting in the way of her career and wished more than anything that she had gone back to work.

Having time with your kids is important, but having a happy, fulfilled mum is even more important in my view. If you really want this job, you should go for it. You will make it work around your kids if you are committed to doing so.

Maybe your DH could take a turn reducing his hours?

Is that how your DP feels about working full time? Could he reduce his hours if you want a parent more available for the drop offs etc?

Talking to DD1 today, she felt both her and her sister developed good problem solving skills from not having DH and me around as much as other kids.
I would take leave days for important school days like swimming carnival etc. but as I think back, DH did not.
I think DC grow up to be more motivated and independent because they are used to problem solving and seeing both parents reach fo their goals. It shows them they can achieve anything they set their minds to.

Just remind yourself that if you don't feel comfortable with it after a few weeks, or the DC are struggling, you can always change again and reduce your working hours, possibly at another job.

DH is around and he will be doing the drop-offs and pick-ups to the childminder and before/after school clubs as my work hours don’t allow for that.

My DH has quite family friendly hours really in that he can leave at 3.30pm if he wants (and usually does once a week) but by doing that he then has to spend two hours in the evening doing work that he could have done if he’d just stayed until 5pm.

My DH is deputy head of a school so not real flexibility in terms of dropping hours or reduced days at work etc.

I suppose being able to do school drop-off and collections 1 day a week is better than nothing. And I will have all weekend with them too which I don’t get in my current job as I work every Sunday.

I think I’m finding it hard to adjust because I’ve had a set shift patterns for the last four years, so now that it’s completely changing all I can think of is the negative effects rather than trying to look for any positive aspects of it.

Having whole weekends as a family is such a positive and with your DHs time he must have some availability over the holidays too (I know there's work to be done) , so your DC will have plenty of parent time

My parents worked full time when I was a child and I don't feel I missed out.

I went back full time after maternity leave and both me and my husband were full time until DS was 2.5.
Unfortunately, my husband left his full time job due to ill health. He does freelance work now which he fits round DS (who is now 7).

So, my husband does all school pick up/drop off/assemblies. They do a christmas play in the eve as well so I go to that.
I make sure I do lots with DS in the evening and at weekends plus school holidays (I am off because I am a teacher).

Our DS is very happy and well adjusted. I certainly don't think he misses out because I work.

As much as our children are top priority for us, I don't think there is any harm in wanting a career for yourself too.

Good luck with the job

Op, definitely go for the job. Worst case? You realise you miss your kids, and don't want to sacrifice the time with them, so you find another job and drop back down to pt.

Best case scenario, you love the job and your kids are fine, and it's worked out even better than you hoped. It's definitely worth it to try it out

But they are in school anyway, aside from that you are only missing say an hour in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. Hire a cleaner, have the ironing outsourced so you can spend that free time with the dc.

But they are in school anyway….

My youngest one isn’t, and now instead of going to his childminder two days a week, he will now be going three times a week.

It’s him I feel the most guilty towards.

It’s such a horrible feeling.

I’m so, so unbelievably excited about my job but I feel like I’m not “allowed” to be this happy about it when there are negative effects on the children.

Why doing FT over 4 days when your two will be at school so you reduce the time you are with them 4 out of 5 days, but get to spend 6 hours for yourself? Is this the bit you feel guilty about?

I wouldn't have liked this arrangement at all. It was important for me to do drop off to breakfast club or picking them up and having time to catch up on the day before they became too tired, do homework with them etc...