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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS 21 with ASD feels lonely

23 replies

cinaminvanilla · 27/08/2021 21:12

Apologies as this isn't really an Aibu but posting here for traffic.

I have a DS who is 21 and has ASD, he's high-functioning and if you saw him you wouldn't notice he had ASD, his only traits that are noticeable is that he is quiet and struggles to make friends. He's going to start a masters soon which I'm happy about it, DS hasn't socialized with a single person his age since lockdown started. He doesn't have any friends and enjoys his own company but occasionally will feel lonely. He's never been in relationship yet which there's nothing wrong with as there's many people who haven't been in relationships yet at his age. Seeing all the people go to festivals has made DS a bit sad that this is something he wouldn't be able to do but he admits it's not something he would want to do which he feels is in part due to his ASD. I'm posting to see if anyone relates to this situation and DS knows that he's not the only one who would be in his position.

OP posts:

toolazytothinkofausername · 27/08/2021 21:16

Are there any societies your DS can join at the university where he will be doing his masters?

Wbeezer · 27/08/2021 21:19

My DS2 is high functioning aSD, he has only ever made friends through hobbies, he can't do small talk so has to have an interest in common to get him started. He wouldn't go to a festival either but will go to hobby tournaments. Does your DS have any hobbies that have scope for real life interaction or any that he could bring himself to try?

Tal45 · 27/08/2021 21:20

Is there a group on FB or anywhere for those doing a MA in his subject perhaps where he could chat to the others doing it ahead of time? It might make it easier for him when he starts as well. I know this happens for freshers starting uni but don't know if it happens for MA's.

Wbeezer · 27/08/2021 21:21

Uni societies have been good for my DS he ended up running one although he had to ta few before one stuck, ballroom dancing didn't work out!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/08/2021 21:21

Two of my friends married guys who were exactly like your DS. To be honest, I think their families were both delighted when they found a wife. They are still not massively social, but they are both excellent husbands and fathers, and this fulfils their social needs.

Frankly, there are always plenty of women keen to find a hard working, non straying man who is willing to commit. If he is in the market for that, it might be a more comfortable option for him than clubbing, festivals etc.

Mydogdoesntlisten · 27/08/2021 21:24

Is he into video games? DS (20) has made loads of online ( who are now real life) friends that way.

Original poster

cinaminvanilla · 27/08/2021 21:32

DS isn't interested in video games, I don't know if he has got any interests/hobbies to be honest

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 27/08/2021 21:42

My BiL has autism and is v, v high functioning. He married his second ever girlfriend, has two kids. He doesnt have, or want, friends as a nt person might, but he does have "hobby friends" - people he socialises with when doing one of his two hobbies - and this and his family fulfil his need for human companionship. He only sees the friends in the context of his hobbies though - wouldnt dream of going to the pub with them, or expanding the friendship beyond that.

Maybe something like that would work for your ds?

Porcupineintherough · 27/08/2021 21:44

Oh and BiL's hobbies are linked to his main interest as is his career - computing and engineering . He wouldnt dream of taking up golf, or join a band or anything like that. What is your ds studying?

tootiredtospeak · 27/08/2021 21:44

Same here DS 20 who is high functioning but nowhere near enough for Uni is on a supported internship so gets out for college and his work placement but other than that nothing. He is with me or at his dads or alone. He muddled along ok is learning to drive so hope that may help but so far zero friends and no relationships. Covid has put paid to his hobbies as the basketball team he played for was a special needs one and had to stop training too many high risk. The local wrestling he loves also hasn't been put on for over 18 months. Really hoping these things start back up soon as have him a little bit of a social life even if it was still a bit superficial

thesandwich · 27/08/2021 21:46

Has he looked at meet-up website to meet people? Board gaming?

Sundaymorningfiveninteen · 27/08/2021 21:55

No advice but came on to say my son is exactly the same albeit without a diagnosis of ASD. It’s just who he became over lockdown. It’s heart breaking isn’t it ?

Original poster

cinaminvanilla · 27/08/2021 21:58

DS wants to have friends that he can go to the pub with etc, when he was at uni before lockdown he would got the pub with people on his course. Lockdown and online learning has been difficult as he's lived at home throughout uni and when it all moved online all the socialization he was doing which he felt was important for him stopped.

OP posts:

Original poster

cinaminvanilla · 27/08/2021 22:03

It's hard as I work so does DH so if DS wants to go somewhere with someone it has to be when we are off work, and also the days when I'm not at work I've got other things I need to do which leaves DS feeling lonely as he can't go to places unless on his own.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 27/08/2021 22:08

So would he consider hobby type groups or sports or university societies as a way of making friends?

Original poster

cinaminvanilla · 27/08/2021 22:10

Yes he would consider attending groups and societies at university, we've both discussed this and both think it's a good idea

OP posts:

poppymaewrite · 27/08/2021 22:13

I think he feels like he’s missing out, even though these activities aren’t right for him.

Lindy2 · 27/08/2021 22:14

What is he doing his Masters in? Are there any social groups linked to that subject at all?

Can he do volunteering in an area he's interested in? At an animal rescue, a food bank etc - depending on his interests. Alternatively get a part time job somewhere where ge might meet new people.

My DD is younger and has ADHD and ASD. She struggles with friendships too and I also find it very difficult to see my child be lonely, so I know how you feel.

Original poster

cinaminvanilla · 27/08/2021 22:15

@poppymaewrite That's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:

5zeds · 27/08/2021 22:16

I think it’s not that unusual to feel like you’ve dropped into a void after school and then again after university. Would he be interested in volunteering?

junebirthdaygirl · 28/08/2021 05:06

Could he join a chess club at college? There is very little need for small talk but it is sociable in its own way. Also he might meet like minded people there. Lockdown has been horrendous for people in your dss situation but he won't have been the only one so hopefully on his Masters he will find people to do things with. I think it's worth remembering he doesn't need loads of girlfriends just one. That makes it somehow easier and more attainable for him maybe.

ohthatbloodycat · 28/08/2021 05:43

OP, my 20 year old daughter is the exact same. She struggled with university (socially, not academically) and so left and started working. That environment seems to suit her so much better.

OneinNine · 28/08/2021 07:18

It is a very odd feeling when you know you would hate to do something but at the same time kind of envy those who are having fun doing it. I guess as you get older you learn to accept that you do not have to go to nightclubs or large social events unless you want to and it is much better to find something you enjoy doing instead. As others have suggested clubs centered around some kind of activity (dh and I found a walking club & conservation group suited admirably) where you can have a little social contact as well as enjoying the activity worked well.

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